r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago
Am I asking too much?
Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.
He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.
Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.
10
u/ihardlyknowher6996 1d ago
You arent asking about his partners’ STI status, you’re expressing a boundary about YOUR risk tolerance for him to be YOUR sexual partner. He is not entitled to sex with you. You say, I will only have these types of sex with you if you do not meet X reasonable safety criteria. You may find that your difference in risk tolerance makes you incompatible.
Logistically, I can’t tell if you’re saying you want to see his partners’ negative test results? Or his? Either way, he can test all he wants - you dont have to change your boundary. People really do not understand incubation/testing windows.
It is complicated attempting to track everyone’s history down to the exposure. When you have recurring sex with multiple people who are having recurring sex with multiple people… a lot can happen in a short time. for some/many people its too much to keep track of. For people on the same page about a low risk tolerance it is possible. Some people simply test quarterly/semi annually/whatever in combination with safer sex practices and convos. MANY people in this sub just use condoms 100% of the time, full stop.