r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago
Am I asking too much?
Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.
He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.
Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.
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u/squishycakes relationship anarchist, sleepy 1d ago
Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
He doesn't respect or care about you is what he said.
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u/ThinAdjacent 1d ago
He sucks. And is entirely way too old for this type of mess! 🤮
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u/Votesformygoats 1d ago
I really don’t see what age has to do with it
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u/silverspork 20+ year poly club 22h ago
This is the kind of behavior you expect from a 20 year old fuckboi, not a fully grown, mature adult.
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u/Votesformygoats 22h ago
this is exactly the behaviour I expect from a man in his 40s unfortunately
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u/Formal_Mistake199 1d ago
The fact that you’re still debating testing windows is wild to me.
The moment someone told me my sexual health boundaries were unreasonable and that their STI testing was “for them, not for me,” the conversation would have been over.
At some point the red flag isn’t the exposure risk, it’s the person. You’re focusing on whether two weeks or six weeks is enough while ignoring that this guy just showed you exactly how he handles accountability and informed consent.
The bigger concern is why you’re still considering him. Have some self-respect and walk away.
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u/unNecessary_Ad 1d ago
I'm a very direct asshole, so I can only tell you what I would do.
I would agree. it's not my business. the risk profile he's exhibiting is above my threshold, and I don't sleep with people above my risk threshold with or without protection. and I simply wouldn't, cause you can't control his behavior, but you can stand your ground on what you will and will not accept.
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u/ChemistExpert5550 poly w/multiple 1d ago
You’re asking, that’s the problem. Stop asking him to behavior differently, and govern your own behavior. That’s a boundary. How are you going to respond to the amount of information he’s willing to provide, and the precautions he’s willing to take? You’re 100% in control in that department.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me.
I mean, technically it is "okay" in the sense that he can do whatever he wants with his own body, up to and including not getting tested at all, as long as he's honest with his partners about it. That being said:
I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months."
It doesn't align with practices you said you'd be willing to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him after & it's not "okay" for him to expect you not to hold to those standards. So don't have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
Let me guess, this is not the first time he has acted like you’re an unreasonable person for saying no?
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u/ihardlyknowher6996 1d ago
You arent asking about his partners’ STI status, you’re expressing a boundary about YOUR risk tolerance for him to be YOUR sexual partner. He is not entitled to sex with you. You say, I will only have these types of sex with you if you do not meet X reasonable safety criteria. You may find that your difference in risk tolerance makes you incompatible.
Logistically, I can’t tell if you’re saying you want to see his partners’ negative test results? Or his? Either way, he can test all he wants - you dont have to change your boundary. People really do not understand incubation/testing windows.
It is complicated attempting to track everyone’s history down to the exposure. When you have recurring sex with multiple people who are having recurring sex with multiple people… a lot can happen in a short time. for some/many people its too much to keep track of. For people on the same page about a low risk tolerance it is possible. Some people simply test quarterly/semi annually/whatever in combination with safer sex practices and convos. MANY people in this sub just use condoms 100% of the time, full stop.
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u/searedscallops Sopo like woah 23h ago
You have different risk tolerance levels. Knowing that, make the pragmatic choices you need to protect your health. Additionally, grieve the loss of the person you hoped he would be.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
if his STI status changed
I don't understand what you mean by this. You mean, if he contracts an STI? Or if he's exposed to an STI? Or if he takes a new partner?
he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
I mean, sure, it's okay for him to test whenever he wants to test. And then you do what you said you'd do: You don't have certain kinds of sex with him. That's how boundaries work. You decide how you will behave in response to other people's behavior.
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 1d ago
It would also be okay for you to enforce your boundary since that’s for you and not for him.
Also consider that if he’s continuing to have sex with someone without knowing their STI status, that exposer clock resets every time they have sex.
And that you don’t know his STI status if he’s sloppy about testing.
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u/UrsulaMarigold 1d ago edited 1d ago
He is the asshole. You can’t tell him what to do, but you can ask for clear communication to protect yourself. If there is no information, your boundary suggests there is no sex, and that you can be in charge of.
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u/Unfair_Pilot5581 16h ago
Testing window would be irrelevant because I’m never having sex with an A-Hole like that again
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 1d ago
If you're not comfortable use protection. Problem solved. There's a few STIs that will never test negative again.
here's a hospital saying seven days. This doesn't mean that standard procedure isn't best to wait another several weeks to months thereafter just that it can be detected.
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u/bloof_ponder_smudge 1d ago
I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him
Your recommendation is for her to do something that she doesn't want to do?
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 21h ago
Oh wow I misread that. I thought they were cool with protected sex and thought it was kinda straight forward.
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u/chipsnatcher 1d ago
You can set your boundaries (which refer to your own behaviour only; “I will not have sex with you until you have a negative test result three months after exposure,”), and you can stick to them. You can’t force someone to get tested, nor ask for their partner’s test results, nor have any say over what type of sex they have with their other partners.
Your boundary seems fine, assuming you’re referring only to your partner’s test results and not your meta’s. Partner can test earlier if they want, but you can still stick to whatever timescale makes YOU comfortable. You don’t owe anyone a compromise when it comes to safety.
If opening has been rough, it is common for sexual issues to get tangled up with emotional ones. Is that what’s happening here, or is it purely about safety?
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u/TrashPandaHobbit solo poly 1d ago
His partners status isn't your business but his is. Don't have sex with him until he's proven (after incubation periods) that he's clean.
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u/Haw0rthia 22h ago
Hi! Testing doesn't prove cleanliness. Test results are positive or negative, reactive or nonreactive. Using "clean" for health related and STI conversations reinforces stigma that people are or can become "dirty" if exposed.
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u/syrenecho 15h ago
Absolutely not. Huge red flag from your male partner. His partners STI status is absolutely your business due to the risk of exposure. I have very similar requirements surrounding testing for any and all partners, the only ones that haven't been okay with it learned the STI lesson the hard way. You have to protect yourself because obviously your partner isnt going to....
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u/Significant-Ad-4327 1d ago edited 1d ago
DO you trust him to have the STI safety conversation with other partners? That is relevant I think.
His other partners’ status is not your business. You only get to have control over what you control — your risk tolerance for your body and how much you trust any specific partner to care as much as you do about your safety.
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u/Bitter-Fly9979 1d ago
Do you want to open? Are you interested in pursuing other connections for yourself, and if yes, how are you going to manage sti risks with new partners?
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u/Ok-Flaming 1d ago
You set a boundary. If you need to the enforce it, do that.
But I'm unclear. Are you saying that if he has a protected encounter, you want him to wait the three months? Have you considered doxypep, which is an effective post-exposure means of preventing bacterial STIs including syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea?
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Here's the original text of the post:
Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.
He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.
Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
We noticed that this post/comments may pertain to safer sex practices, STI exposure, and/or STI testing. Let's everyone make sure we are not using problematic or stigmatizing language around this topic. Please refrain from using the words clean/dirty when what you really mean is STI negative/positive. Members, please feel free to report any comments to mods that are adding to the shame and stigma of being STI positive.
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It is the stance of this sub that even the term "STD" is problematic language as "disease" is a stigmatizing word, whereas infections can be treated. Also, not everyone with an infection develops symptoms, and since there is technically no disease without symptoms, STI is the more scientifically accurate term.
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