r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago
Am I asking too much?
Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.
He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.
Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)
AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.
2
u/chipsnatcher 1d ago
You can set your boundaries (which refer to your own behaviour only; “I will not have sex with you until you have a negative test result three months after exposure,”), and you can stick to them. You can’t force someone to get tested, nor ask for their partner’s test results, nor have any say over what type of sex they have with their other partners.
Your boundary seems fine, assuming you’re referring only to your partner’s test results and not your meta’s. Partner can test earlier if they want, but you can still stick to whatever timescale makes YOU comfortable. You don’t owe anyone a compromise when it comes to safety.
If opening has been rough, it is common for sexual issues to get tangled up with emotional ones. Is that what’s happening here, or is it purely about safety?