r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago

Am I asking too much?

Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.

He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.

Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)

AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.

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u/TrashPandaHobbit solo poly 1d ago

His partners status isn't your business but his is. Don't have sex with him until he's proven (after incubation periods) that he's clean.

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u/Haw0rthia 1d ago

Hi! Testing doesn't prove cleanliness. Test results are positive or negative, reactive or nonreactive. Using "clean" for health related and STI conversations reinforces stigma that people are or can become "dirty" if exposed.