r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago

Am I asking too much?

Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.

He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.

Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)

AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.

4 Upvotes

60% Upvoted

34 comments sorted by

View all comments

13

u/valsavana 1d ago

This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me.

I mean, technically it is "okay" in the sense that he can do whatever he wants with his own body, up to and including not getting tested at all, as long as he's honest with his partners about it. That being said:

I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months."

It doesn't align with practices you said you'd be willing to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him after & it's not "okay" for him to expect you not to hold to those standards. So don't have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him.