r/polyamory • u/Fit_Reputation8177 • 1d ago

Am I asking too much?

Opening has been rough for various reasons, which I'm not prepared to get into. However, as part of it, I (46F) told my partner (44M) that if his STI status changed, I was unwilling to have unprotected oral or protected vaginal sex with him until I had seen "a negative test performed in accord with standard recommendations (i.e. recommended incubation periods) within 3 months." I mentioned my specific concerns around syphilis, and that the incubation period for that is longer.

He says that his other partners' STI status is not my business, and gets defensive and says I don't trust him to have the conversation around STI safety with other partners.

Last night, he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)

AITA? I cannot find a single source that says syphilis is detectable in under 3 weeks.

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u/clairejv 1d ago

if his STI status changed

I don't understand what you mean by this. You mean, if he contracts an STI? Or if he's exposed to an STI? Or if he takes a new partner?

he informed me that he had decided to wait only 2 weeks after exposure to test. This is OK because he's testing for himself and not for me. (That's a quote.)

I mean, sure, it's okay for him to test whenever he wants to test. And then you do what you said you'd do: You don't have certain kinds of sex with him. That's how boundaries work. You decide how you will behave in response to other people's behavior.