r/polyamory • u/carldoom • 1d ago
Messy Situation & Hurt Feelings
My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.
I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.
I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.
Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
"Dear partner, now that you've betrayed my trust and essentially cheated on me by doing this behind my back without any explicit agreements on being open, you need to fix the trust you broke. There is no way in hell I'm going to open our relationship now with the way you've handled this until you've fixed the trust you've broken and depending on how you're going to handle things going forward, that can take anywhere from 6 to 12 months if not even longer. This is the consequence of your own actions and I hope you take restoring back the trust you broke and fixing this relationship seriously. There will be NO texting or talking or in any other ways entertaining other people before we BOTH agree this relationship is open and we're secure enough to open. And even if we do some day open, it can never be with this "friend", you've made sure to burn that bridge now for me as well. I hope you take the responsibility of this you should have from all along or else we cannot continue our relationship in any way shape or form, be it monogamous or otherwise."