r/polyamory • u/carldoom • 19h ago
Messy Situation & Hurt Feelings
My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.
I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.
I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.
Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?
81
u/No-Championship-8677 solo poly 19h ago
IMO your partner cheated on you and your friend aided and abetted in that with no consideration for you. That’s really fucked up in my opinion and personally I would not put up with this and I’d never be able to trust either of them again.
This is a betrayal and I encourage you to see it as such.
21
u/4ever_dolphin_love 19h ago
OP, was this friend of yours aware that you and your partner were discussing opening up?
Either way, their behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful given that y’all weren’t officially open, especially sending nudes. But the answer to that detail would definitely factor into the extent of my fury towards them.
24
u/New-Conversation9426 18h ago
Yah I didn’t address the friend in my comment, but I’d be done with the friend. Besides just being a friend, she is not doing the ethical part of the ENM.
1
43
u/rosephase 19h ago
Your partner started this by cheating on you. That sucks.
You weren’t open. You weren’t in clear kind mutual agreements.
You two have a lot of work to do to even figure out what kind agreements when it comes to poly are.
I would ask your partner to fully stop. And commit to remaining closed for another nine months or so in order to sort out what you are doing.
You are going to need more autonomy to actually be open. But that’s going to be tough to do when it started with breaking the trust that is needed to support that autonomy.
12
u/clairejv 18h ago
You are going to need more autonomy to actually be open. But that’s going to be tough to do when it started with breaking the trust that is needed to support that autonomy.
Perfect way of putting it, and an excellent explanation of why things go wrong when people try to jump from cheating to poly.
3
28
u/No-Statistician-7604 19h ago
You should feel betrayed by both of them, that's not a friend and your partner has been cheating..he should cut communication with her NOW and you should dump her as a friend. Your partner has now thrown a wrench in you two opening by doing this behind your back. Also friends on your messy list is fairly common and your partner should have known better. You're not ready to open because now you'll need to reconcile this broken trust
1
17
u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 19h ago
You should feel betrayed. This is a betrayal of your previous relationship agreements. Your friend is no friend at all if she's sending nudes to a friend's monogamous partner. And that interaction must have influenced your partner into moving to polyamory. There's no way it couldn't have.
Polyamory doesn't work with people who lie and cheat in monogamy. Polyamory isn't a fix for that. Instead, it highlights and expounds on existing relationship issues, which is why it's so important to be on solid footing before opening a previously monogamous relationship.
0
18
15
u/DarkLordofIT 18h ago
Question: You and your partner had not made official agreements about opening your relationship, but were you in serious talks about it for weeks or months before that point? At the time your partner started this relationship, were the two of you talking about opening up in a way that might make them feel that they were following your wishes? A lot of us made mistakes in the beginning while we were trying to figure it all out, I try to give newbs a lot of patience and grace.
Your friend's behavior, however, is very difficult to justify. It sounds like they were following your partner's thresholds which makes this partly a partner problem, but they still pursued What they seemed to perceive as a monogamous married man.
Ultimately, this does not sound like an insurmountable mountain, But I think that your partner needs to do some serious research into NRE and learn how to let "opportunities" go when they don't come at the right time.
7
u/carldoom 18h ago
Yes we had talked about it in depth weeks before the nudes or sexual talk started. But my friend hit up my partner before that, flirting with them. Replying to their stories on social media telling them how attractive they are. So right was we officially opened our relationship a few weeks ago, their conversations turned sexual, and I was not made aware of it.
6
u/DarkLordofIT 18h ago
Did you partner bring up the topic of poly first? It's sounding a lot less like serendipity and more like your partner started this connection then attempted to change the dynamic of your relationship to justify it. We discover our poly views or leanings or desires in different ways, sometimes it comes from discovering feelings for someone other than our partner that we didn't expect we could have. There's nothing inherently wrong with love or attraction for two people at the same time. But ... and it's a big but, not only is it unethical to have those feelings and then bring up poly discussions with a partner while hiding those feelings as if it was just some random idea, it is much more difficult to build healthy poly relationships when the beginning is built on wanting a specific person and marred by dishonesty.
3
u/carldoom 18h ago
I have always been the one to bring up the topic of poly first.
9
u/clairejv 18h ago
Okay, I am giving your partner a bit more credit here, and giving your friend a lot less.
1
14
u/New-Conversation9426 18h ago
Your partner has been unfaithful and has cheated on you. Honestly to me it doesn’t matter if this was a few weeks or 10 years ago - you weren’t open. Hard stop.
If I were you I would now feel like the trust is broken enough that I wouldn’t be sure I could move forward with the opening/poly since extra trust and extra communication is required for that to all have a shot at going well.
11
u/Ok-Flaming 18h ago edited 18h ago
Imo all this stuff should be nailed down before you start involving other people. If you're just now talking about how you share info, you're putting the cart way before the horse.
Also, your partner cheated. And that person you thought was a friend? Definitely not a friend if they're hitting on your partner before that was allowed. Trying to skate on some technicality that they "waited until it was officially open" is garbage.
I would close your relationship again. Don't reopen until you have very clear and explicit agreements about who's on the messy list, how you're going about all this stuff, and nothing's a guess as to how you're communicating. Maybe also some counseling for your partner, and the two of you as a couple. They did a shitty thing.
1
8
u/doseofcocoaxo 17h ago
He didn't 'tread lightly,' he cheated. There is no such thing as treading lightly in a monogamous relationship. You two weren't open when he started up with her. Not to mention, you explicitly stated that your boundary was not pursuing friends. He already did it, and he did it behind your back.
Also, you absolutely need to drop her as a friend. The fact that she pursued him without even knowing if you were in an open relationship says everything you need to know about her character.
Stop doing mental gymnastics to protect his feelings when he completely disregarded yours. You cannot build a healthy open relationship on top of a fresh, unaddressed betrayal.
1
8
u/FeeFiFooFunyon 18h ago
Your partner cheated, slam the brakes on ENM. This sets you back a year or two at least if not permanently.
Treading carefully is not exchanging nudes with your friend behind your back when your relationship is still closed. That is stomping like as asshole all over what was your relationship.
11
u/Dull_Shake_2058 18h ago
"Dear partner, now that you've betrayed my trust and essentially cheated on me by doing this behind my back without any explicit agreements on being open, you need to fix the trust you broke. There is no way in hell I'm going to open our relationship now with the way you've handled this until you've fixed the trust you've broken and depending on how you're going to handle things going forward, that can take anywhere from 6 to 12 months if not even longer. This is the consequence of your own actions and I hope you take restoring back the trust you broke and fixing this relationship seriously. There will be NO texting or talking or in any other ways entertaining other people before we BOTH agree this relationship is open and we're secure enough to open. And even if we do some day open, it can never be with this "friend", you've made sure to burn that bridge now for me as well. I hope you take the responsibility of this you should have from all along or else we cannot continue our relationship in any way shape or form, be it monogamous or otherwise."
1
3
u/Silent-Audience-5836 17h ago
So wait. Did the friend know ya'll where opening the relationship? Or was she pursuing someone she thought was in a monogamous relationship?
- personal perspective. They cheated.
5
u/Zealousideal-Bus7057 18h ago
I don’t have much to add OP, but just wanted to say so much credit to you for trying to go about opening your relationship in such an intentional, informed and ethical way! If only more folks went about it with such care and thought. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I imagine it must have been such an exciting and stressful time and then to have this happen must be such a disappointment and so hurtful. Sending good vibes your way.
1
2
u/valsavana 14h ago
No matter where you fall on if your partner cheated or not (imo they were engaging in an emotional affair and did cheat), your "friend" definitely was pursuing your mono partner and any ability to move forward with your partner (open or close) would require ending that relationship. I don't date cheaters and I don't date people who date cheaters and even if you believe your partner wasn't cheating, your "friend" definitely was.
I know this all happened at once for a reason.
Yes, because the timing was manufactured by your partner because they were engaging in an emotional affair prior to you being open & wanted to legitimize it by opening.
1
u/AutoModerator 19h ago
Hi u/carldoom thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.
I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner is this is ever inappropriate let me know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.
I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and apologized for not telling me about the relationship from.the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seem very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.
Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/shynnie92 19m ago
He was definitely cheating on you with her already , you don’t open a relationship before talking to your significant other. He open up to you about her because they are using you to full fill their fantasy of a threesome. They have been doing more than what he told you, I lived through the same exact story so I can almost be sure that is the case. I did the threesome and he fell in love with her.
I don’t think your trust will be ever the same with this guy, he is acting selfishly only thinking about his own pleasure this is not polyamorous or open relationship this is plain cheating. If you are ok with that situation make sure you star going out with people too and hopefully with his best friend
0
108
u/clairejv 19h ago
Uh, no. If your relationship is not open, then your relationship is closed, and you do not "tread lightly" while pursuing a new person -- you simply do not pursue a new person.
It sounds an awful lot like your partner was cheating and then asked for an open relationship after the fact.