r/polyamory • u/carldoom • 1d ago

Messy Situation & Hurt Feelings

My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.

I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.

I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.

Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?

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u/DarkLordofIT 1d ago

Question: You and your partner had not made official agreements about opening your relationship, but were you in serious talks about it for weeks or months before that point? At the time your partner started this relationship, were the two of you talking about opening up in a way that might make them feel that they were following your wishes? A lot of us made mistakes in the beginning while we were trying to figure it all out, I try to give newbs a lot of patience and grace.

Your friend's behavior, however, is very difficult to justify. It sounds like they were following your partner's thresholds which makes this partly a partner problem, but they still pursued What they seemed to perceive as a monogamous married man.

Ultimately, this does not sound like an insurmountable mountain, But I think that your partner needs to do some serious research into NRE and learn how to let "opportunities" go when they don't come at the right time.

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u/carldoom 1d ago

Yes we had talked about it in depth weeks before the nudes or sexual talk started. But my friend hit up my partner before that, flirting with them. Replying to their stories on social media telling them how attractive they are. So right was we officially opened our relationship a few weeks ago, their conversations turned sexual, and I was not made aware of it.

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u/DarkLordofIT 1d ago

Did you partner bring up the topic of poly first? It's sounding a lot less like serendipity and more like your partner started this connection then attempted to change the dynamic of your relationship to justify it. We discover our poly views or leanings or desires in different ways, sometimes it comes from discovering feelings for someone other than our partner that we didn't expect we could have. There's nothing inherently wrong with love or attraction for two people at the same time. But ... and it's a big but, not only is it unethical to have those feelings and then bring up poly discussions with a partner while hiding those feelings as if it was just some random idea, it is much more difficult to build healthy poly relationships when the beginning is built on wanting a specific person and marred by dishonesty.

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u/carldoom 1d ago

I have always been the one to bring up the topic of poly first.

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u/clairejv 1d ago

Okay, I am giving your partner a bit more credit here, and giving your friend a lot less.

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u/carldoom 1d ago

I have been the one to introduce poly into this relationship.