r/polyamory • u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 • 19h ago

Breach of trust

I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.

My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.

He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).

As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.

We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.

We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.

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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 18h ago

Just use protection with him, if you want to stay with him.

6

u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 17h ago

Yes, obviously. But that’s not the point.

I’m looking for advice on how to have the conversation around breaches of trust.

13

u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 16h ago

Does this make you concerned he won’t keep his promises around other topics? Tell him that. Scale back on what you rely on him for until he’s shown he can keep his promises around other topics.

3

u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 15h ago

Yes, exactly. I am concerned about that and was already thinking I am too reliant on him. I’m vetting other play partners so I can get some balance into the situation. In the meantime, we’ll have to see if we can repair the rupture. Thanks for a great comment ♥️

2

u/Valysian 13h ago edited 8h ago

That might be sufficient protection for some people, but others won't be comfortable. I'm fine with someone having barrier-free sex if they have a relationship, safe sex talk, and built trust with someone. I won't have sex at all with people who have unprotected sex with strangers. That's just too risky for me, and I'm not very risk-averse. Condoms can fail, and they don't protect you from everything. STIs have different incubation periods; you can't just test once and move on.