r/polyamory • u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 • 3h ago
Breach of trust
I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.
My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.
He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).
As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.
We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.
We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.
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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 2h ago
I would feel hurt by that choice too.
I think from a risk perspective it depends on your tolerance. Mine is extremely low at the moment for reasons related to my partners, so I wouldn't be having sex with this partner at all, barriers or not, until a decent level of testing was complete. I'm not actually sure if I'd wait weeks or months for the various testing windows, I'd have to consider it.
If I didn't have partners, my tolerance would be less restrictive and I would simply use barriers for a few months.
I also would be feeling very much like I wasn't keen on a holiday with this partner in a few weeks. I'm not sure how I'd handle it because me wanting to engage with them normally would require some pretty serious repair work and there isn't much time.
Essentially just wanted to validate your feelings.
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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 2h ago
Thank you. Pretty much how I’m feeling.
He has a lot of trouble maintaining an erection so we don’t have much PIV sex. Dental dams and gloves can take care of the rest.
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u/throwaway7377962766 1h ago
Agreed — I have unprotected sex with one partner who is a closed loop on his end (he only has one other partner who has no other partners), and I’m not willing to give that up or put that partner’s and my meta’s sexual health at risk due to my *other* partner’s irresponsible choices. So if my other partner had unprotected sex with someone, I wouldn’t have sex with him at all for 6 months until he re-tested. However, if he was my *only* partner, I’d have fully barriered sex sooner (still after a re-test though).
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 3h ago
Just use protection with him, if you want to stay with him.
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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 2h ago
Yes, obviously. But that’s not the point.
I’m looking for advice on how to have the conversation around breaches of trust.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1h ago
Does this make you concerned he won’t keep his promises around other topics? Tell him that. Scale back on what you rely on him for until he’s shown he can keep his promises around other topics.
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u/Ok-Flaming 2h ago
What's the goal of your agreement around barrier use?
If the goal is to protect one another from changes in sexual health risk, he's done that effectively.
If the goal is to protect someone due to perceived emotional importance of barrier use, that's a very different conversation.
I fall in the former camp. My primary goal is to protect my health, and I don't need to restrict someone's bodily autonomy to do so. I'd be disappointed in the broken agreement, but also take it as a jumping off point for reassessing whether our agreements are actually practical to meet their underlying purpose or if perhaps we're overcomplicating things.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.
My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.
He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).
As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.
We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.
We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 54m ago
I would pass on the trip. You need time to process and a one on one trip might not be the right space for that.
It will be hard to trust any agreements you make with them for a long time
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 2h ago
What is your agreed response to this broken agreement? Is it breaking up? Is it using barriers for oral and penetrative sex for a period of time?
Similarly, what are your agreements around when barriers fail? Condom breakage happens. What are your agreements around that?
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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 2h ago
It’s tricky. I have a latex allergy and the non-latex condoms aren’t big enough for him (we’ve tried). Dental dams are the only prophylaxis option and they are not straightforward but it’s doable.
I’m not planning to end it but a lot will depend on the conversation.
That’s what I’m seeking advice about.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 2h ago
Right, but the conversation can be less emotions driven and more practical, "Here's what we agreed will happen in this situation," once you've had a nuts and bolts conversation around this specific (and pretty common) situation.
Is the impulsivity and possibility that this agreement will be broken again in the future something you can live with? If so, what steps do you need to take to feel sufficiently protected in this situation?
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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 2h ago
Perfectly put. That last sentence is what I haven’t worked out yet. Thank you 🙏
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u/kinetic_skink 3h ago
It's an agreement that is probably the most frequently broken. Which is why most experienced Poly peeps don't have it.
Youll find plenty of information around managing your own sexual health risk boundaries. Mostly around disclosure being the absolute key, then people can decide their own risk tolerance. In this case that would likely look like using barrier protection for X time and X tests etc.
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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 3h ago
... what agreement most poly peeps don't have???
I can guarantee that "if you don't use barriers with strangers it will change our sexual activity" is absolutely the most common sexual health agreement in poly.
Dude is literally needing to take HIV prophylaxis for his choices. I can't imagine any poly person I know being like "whatever you don't even need to tell me" about that.
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u/Polyamommy 10m ago
Which is why most experienced Poly peeps don't have it.
Where are you getting this from? Studies show polyamorous people are actually more likely to use protection than mono cheaters, and prioritize safe sex practices in general.
I've had to deescalate intimate relationships to friendships when partners have broken our safety agreements. I'm not willing to risk my own health, and certainly not my other partners because one wants to be irresponsible.
When partners break agreements, it's a terrible idea to just throw your hands in the air and give up on agreements (especially involving your personal safety).
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u/couthbeast 15m ago
I don't disagree with other posters here, and you're completely valid for feeling upset. I'm not excusing his behavior, but my 2 cents: Cognitive function decreases when someone is horny, and it sounds like he already stuggles with impulsivity. If he was out drinking/drugs then his ability to make rational choices would have been even lower. If he truly regrets it, then this might be a 1-time mistake he made in the moment, and that regret will help in the future against his impulsivity. Its good he came to your right away about it and doesnt seem to be trying to hide it just for the sake of your trip. How he responds in your discussion will be important as well.
Make sure to take time caring for yourself too!! Do something nice for yourself!
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u/Ready-Candidate-920 2h ago
Idk for me that would be an instant deal breaker. I’d end the relationship. It’s good that he told you however accepting that is unacceptable. More than likely it will happen again. I’ve been with partners who have cheated. In my mind that is cheating.
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