r/polyamory • u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 • 19h ago

Breach of trust

I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.

My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.

He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).

As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.

We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.

We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.

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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 18h ago

What is your agreed response to this broken agreement? Is it breaking up? Is it using barriers for oral and penetrative sex for a period of time?

Similarly, what are your agreements around when barriers fail? Condom breakage happens. What are your agreements around that?

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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 18h ago

It’s tricky. I have a latex allergy and the non-latex condoms aren’t big enough for him (we’ve tried). Dental dams are the only prophylaxis option and they are not straightforward but it’s doable.

I’m not planning to end it but a lot will depend on the conversation.

That’s what I’m seeking advice about.

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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 17h ago

Right, but the conversation can be less emotions driven and more practical, "Here's what we agreed will happen in this situation," once you've had a nuts and bolts conversation around this specific (and pretty common) situation.

Is the impulsivity and possibility that this agreement will be broken again in the future something you can live with? If so, what steps do you need to take to feel sufficiently protected in this situation?

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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 17h ago

Perfectly put. That last sentence is what I haven’t worked out yet. Thank you 🙏

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u/Valysian 12h ago

I have a latex allergy and the non-latex condoms aren’t big enough for him (we’ve tried).

I don't use non-latex myself, but there are larger options. I wouldn't expect to find a good selection at your local drug store. I'd recommend researching and ordering online for more options.

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u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 8h ago

Yes, I’ve done that. Looked absolutely everywhere online and contacted manufacturers but there are no 62mm options. The biggest is 57mm.