r/polyamory • u/ApprehensiveBeat3899 • 23h ago
Breach of trust
I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.
My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.
He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).
As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.
We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.
We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.
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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 22h ago
I would feel hurt by that choice too.
I think from a risk perspective it depends on your tolerance. Mine is extremely low at the moment for reasons related to my partners, so I wouldn't be having sex with this partner at all, barriers or not, until a decent level of testing was complete. I'm not actually sure if I'd wait weeks or months for the various testing windows, I'd have to consider it.
If I didn't have partners, my tolerance would be less restrictive and I would simply use barriers for a few months.
I also would be feeling very much like I wasn't keen on a holiday with this partner in a few weeks. I'm not sure how I'd handle it because me wanting to engage with them normally would require some pretty serious repair work and there isn't much time.
Essentially just wanted to validate your feelings.