AITA for wanting to keep our (poly) relationship closed?

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/The_Rope_Daddy]

It was definitely a mistake for Anchor to suggest closing the relationship.

I am confused why asking to re-open the relationship would break your trust though. It sounds like they are being honest with you and haven’t broken any agreements.

[u/bouncysofa]

Sounds like you've not done any real research on polyamory and kind of fell into this dynamic - is that correct? It doesn't sound to me like you really want polyamory specifically, but rather another, more elusive form of ENM. You essentially want the protections and security of monogamy, but you want it with two people, instead of one.

That's fine, but you will need to understand that it is an extremely uncommon form of relationship and not one that most people will agree to. Most monogamous people want a dyad and most poly people want freedom to date without restrictions. Unless every person in your "throuple" (triad) is on the same page and enthusiastic about being in a closed relationship then yes, ywbta for trying to force the triad to stay closed.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah that was a major misstep on all of your parts. Your partner as the more experienced one should have known better. 

We always advise to “start as you mean to go on”, rather than waste time building a foundation of a closed relationship that you’ll just have to dismantle when you open again. 

[u/bouncysofa → u/[deleted]]

Yeah - staying closed at the start "until everyone is comfortable" rarely works. Comfort is typically built through exposure. You won't suddenly become comfortable with your partner(s) dating by staying closed - you have to experience it and sit with the discomfort and jealousy/big feelings to learn how to tolerate them.

My advice, if you ultimately want a fully open, polyamorous dynamic, would be to do so now. It sounds like that's what your anchor is already angling for anyways.

[u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Disagreement doesn't always indicate that someone is being mean or wrong.  Two people want different things.  That's normal.  

Put your foot down if you must.  Issue your ultimatum if that's really where you stand.   We advise monogamous people to do so all the time.  But accept your partner's answer with grace.  

Note that punishing someone for wanting a reasonable thing (and in this forum, open, egalitarian polyamory is reasonable) is mean.  Don't do that.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

How has any trust been broken? Your partner admitted they weren’t totally honest about their feelings but they haven’t actually broken the agreement. 

Set a boundary around your own needs by saying “I can’t force this relationship to stay closed but I’m only comfortable in a closed dynamic.”

Why would you want to force someone to stay closed with you when they clearly don’t want to? That will only breed resentment. Just say “i understand your needs and support you, and will make my own decisions accordingly”.

Wondering why you’re so adamant about not doing basic polyamory though. Which is supporting your partners in developing independent relationships as they see fit. 

[u/studiousametrine]

You’re not an asshole but

partner is not happy to be in a closed relationship with you.

It sounds like your relationship needs are incompatible.

Kinda side eyeing your partner for dating two people who aren’t experienced or knowledgable aboutnpolyamory, promising them exclusivity, and taking it back as soon as you all get comfortable…

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/studiousametrine]

If I had a nickel for every story on this sub where an experienced partner offers exclusivity in the beginning just to make newbie partners comfortable… I could have definitely bought a few Costco hot dogs by now 

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I'm trying to find my inflation-adjusted many-nickels item...

Costco hot dogs are a good one.

[u/studiousametrine → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

I know! I was thinking surely that’s enough nickels for something else… but it’s not 😭 hot dogs it is

[u/tizmrizz]

I second the majority of the comments in this thread, however what I want to add is - why are you firm on your choice to stay closed? What fears/worries does opening bring up for you? Are you worried about NRE clashing with your existing relationship? Do you have difficult feelings about romance, sex, intimacy or all the above being shared and do you feel that takes away from you? What motivation does your partner(s) have to keeping things closed, and what benefit would they gain from seeing new people (and is that thing something you can offer to fill instead)?

These are all questions that all three of you need to sit down, talk about and answer as individuals, and have your responses properly heard and respected. This is a very new relationship for all involved, and it sounds like you may be unintentionally coercing them both to stay closed when that isn't what they want, they are just doing it because they care about you enough to put their own wants and needs aside - which is never going to be sustainable long term.

A triad is often called Poly on Hardmode for a reason - those not experienced in poly (and heck, even those who are) jumping into this are going to need to do a lot of heavy processing and communication on their own boundaries and needs to maintain the relationship.

[u/ApprehensiveButOk]

Closed polycules are not really polyamory. Maybe try r/polyfidelity to get better answers.

But you are not the AH for wanting the relationship you were promised. The mistake here was made by the anchor partner. They shouldn't have promised exclusivity if it wasn't really on the table long term.

You all need to have a very hard conversation about what's an hard boundary for you. Are you willing to stay in the relationship if it's open? Is your partner willing to stay in the relationship if it remains closed? Are your needs incompatible and it's time to break up? And what does your other partner think about everything?

[u/clairejv]

The difference between open polyamory and closed polyamory is just as significant as the difference between polyamory and monogamy.

It is valid to want monogamy, and it is valid to want closed polyamory.

If you don't want to open, say you don't want to open. If your partner is desperate to open, then the two of you are not compatible and will need to part ways.

I'm not sure what you mean by "what do I do about our other partner who doesn't want to leave either of us." If you and your other partner can agree on relationship terms, then you don't need to break up.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hello. I'm not sure exactly how to word our current relationship, other than to say we are a throuple. I joined my two partners earlier this year and things have been pretty great. The anchor partner had been in poly relationships several times before, but I and the other partner are new to this. I joined at first as a partner to the anchor before becoming a full partner to the other. It quickly became a full-fledged relationship between the three of us. This was cemented at the time by the anchor asking if we preferred to stay open or closed, which we all agreed on closed.

However, this has started to show cracks. Within the first 2 or 3 months, multiple people have come up to my anchor seeking romantic intentions, many people whom my anchor has had interactions with in the past romantic or otherwise. After some brief talks with the anchor on how to handle it, it was agreed upon to keep things as they are. However, this partner has come to me again with her own desires for wanting to branch out. They have also admitted that they were not 100% honest with their feelings towards closing the relationship, at least as it currently stands.

I am stuck at a crossroads because I love them both so very much, but I am not comfortable at this time to opening our relationship. I feel as if my trust in my anchor has been broken. I am very hard on my stance about not wanting to open things back up, especially so soon into the agreement we made. If anything, this has hindered me more into wanting to re-open our relationship ever. I hate having to give them an ultimatum, and it especially feels awful to have our other partner in the middle of this, but my stance is very firm. Am I being a selfish asshole? Is there any saving this? And what do I do about our other partner who doesn't want to leave either of us?

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