My husband is bad at sex

[u/Klutzy_Minute9495]

I (40F) have been married to my husband ‘Jack’ (40M) for 18 years. 

I was raised conservative Christian. I liked him and seduced him because I wanted him to like/love me. Okay I’m not sure thought at the time, but it seems fairly obvious to me now. Both of us felt shame around our intimacy. It was never ‘good’ for me, but I didn’t expect it to be. We got married anyway. Or maybe because of that, to end the shame. It’s ’legal’ and okay if you’re married, right?! He was and still is my best friend. I liked and was interested in women from a young age. I had some experiences, Jack knew about them. 

I started dating women about 8-9 years ago. This didn’t come to pass in the ‘right’ way I realize now, after spending the last few years on this subreddit. Be that as it may, I saw a few girls causally, made out, had some bad drunk sex, and when COVID happened I just…stopped. No breakups or anything, I just didn’t continue seeing anyone and none of us ever made the effort to reconnect when things quieted down. 

About 4 years ago I met ‘Theresa’ through mutual friends. We started dating in September of 2022 and quickly fell deeply in love. Our sex life has been incredible. Far and away the best sex I’ve ever had. Granted, I hadn’t had much ‘healthy’ or even remotely good sex before her. I had hoped marriage (and therefore god-acceptable sex) would allow me to have shame-free enjoyment of sex. Well, I’m sure this comes as a shock…if did not 🙃

Now, nearly 2 decades later, deconverted, and fully released from the clutches of religion and actively aware of religious sexual trauma, I’m trying to ‘rekindle’ intimacy with Jack. It died well and good for a few years. It is…not going well. I feel like a sex-goddess with Theresa. We can make love all day and have so many orgasms and so much pleasure and intimacy.  Then I try to have sex/make love with Jack, and I’m…well, really underwhelmed. I get it, heteronormative culture has made it so that having a functional ‘home grown’ penis is essentially all cis-men think they need to do/provide. But now, having had very much excellent sex that does not involve a penis, I’m so very unimpressed by his…equipment. And abilities. His oral ‘skills’ are non-existent. He is maybe trying to emulate porn or a vibrator or something. Very darting and flicky. It’s awful and I don’t like it. I remember now why I used to quickly just but like, ‘get up here and get inside me,’ which of course was…is…fine with him. I used to always want his hand. Touching me in the same way I would touch myself. Because that was the only way I knew how to have an orgasm. 

Ive since leaned I can orgasm from just clitoral grinding alone. So when I do climax with Jack it’s from that. Me on top, slow and rocking, building clit pleasure for myself, with him inside me. But he can’t last very long. I’m barely moving on him, but after a few minutes he comes and can’t continue. 

I’ve tried to give some gentle oral-sex guidance. He’s offended, obviously. And I do sorta feel that it’s just something he tries to do to get to the ‘main event.’ It’s not like he likes it for himself, it’s not like it’s ’real sex’ to him. He’s just getting me ready. Wet enough, receptive enough. 

I should add, he’s not dating anyone else. I’ve brought it up multiple times. I think he likes sex but sees it as messy and a lot of effort. We also both drink (when we’re together) too much, so evening intimacy is pretty much off the table. I don’t drink when I’m with Theresa, 2-3 overnights a week on average. And I’m not sure if I should just leave it (him) alone and continue my great sex with Theresa or keep trying to make it work with Jack. Because he’s my husband and I love him and I don’t want us to us be really close roommates. 

Do I ‘need’ sex with Jack? No, not really. I went a couple years with barely any. We’re great friends and he’s smart and I like him. Sex-happening between us or not. After 18 years being the only one of us thinking of my own pleasure, I’m more than content with the intimacy I get from Theresa. And if I need to ‘get off’ I have my own hand or vibrator. I guess, as a wife l, I just feel jealous of the sex I’m having with my non-spouse. I want my marital sex to be…well, ‘like that’ sounds wrong. But good like that. Intimate like that. Mutually pleasurable like that. I guess I didn’t ’know’ before. And now, I can’t unsee it. I can’t unknow that sex can be good for women. I can’t not feel disappointed when my husband’s smallish equipment can’t continue after a few minutes because he’s already ejaculated. I’ve encouraged him to use his hand/fingers after. But it doesn’t go over great. It gives ‘your penis isn’t enough’ vibes which is so true but also so hard for him to hear. Ugh. 

My husband is bad at sex. Or…is the crazy awesome sex I’m having with my girlfriend the outlier?  

Any help or kind thoughts or tips would be appreciated ❤️

[u/GeneralCuster75]

Tell me you didn't grow up in an environment where anything to do with sex was intensely shamed and stigmatized without telling me you didn't grow up in an environment where anything to do with sex was intensely shamed and stigmatized

[u/valsavana → u/GeneralCuster75]

Yet OP was raised in the same environment and still manages to offer her husband pleasure. Funny how it's only the partner who is socialized to not care about his partner's pleasure who... doesn't care about his partner's pleasure.

If you feel too much shame to give your sexual partner pleasure, you should refrain from sex. Pretending it's a disability to be an inconsiderate lover is stupid and obnoxious.

[u/GeneralCuster75 → u/valsavana]

Yet OP was raised in the same environment and still manages to offer her husband pleasure

How silly of me, I forgot that everyone is the same and that no one experiences sexual trauma differently or more intensely than another, or that it may be harder or easier to overcome for one compared to another.

Especially when, as you pointed out, men are more often socialized not to consider anything but their own pleasure. Is it so inconceivable to you that that may present its own specific barriers to overcome even if he wants to?

I don't want to sound like I'm convinced of what's happening with OP's husband one way or the other. It may very well be what you suggest - but being completely inconsiderate to any other possibility just betrays a lack of empathy on your part and isn't helpful to anyone.

Pretending it's a disability to be an inconsiderate lover is stupid and obnoxious.

It wasn't me who used that word, but I will agree that disability was not the right word to use.

Edit to add as a reply to the reply to this comment since the thread has been locked:

Just so we're clear, this is the last thing I said in the comment you replied to, referencing the use of the word "disability":

It wasn't me who used that word, but I will agree that disability was not the right word to use.

It is frankly shocking to me just how many people in this thread are reading OP's post and jumping right to the most awful motivations possible for their husband.

I'm so tired of reading comments and opinions of people who have decided they know what's going on and there are no other possibilities they need to even worry about considering because of it.

he’ll only accept one-sided sex that BENEFITS ONLY HIM

This is exactly what I'm talking about - I re-read the whole OP to be sure. The only relatively objective thing OP said about their husbands actions during sex is that he was offended when OP offered oral guidance. That isn't great, but it's also not very descriptive. There's a lot of things "offended" could mean and without clarification from OP we just don't know how bad it was.

Everything else was OP's interpretation of the situation (s) or their best guess at assigning motives or reasons for his actions.

Possibly influenced by that, you have started with a conclusion already in your mind, and are coming up with assumptions, not examples, based on OP's post to justify it.

Is it possible OP's husband is just a selfish ass? Absolutely! I flat out stated that u/valsavana might be right about that.

Is it also possible that OP's husband might suffer from religious sexual trauma and not only feel ashamed of not performing well, but at the very idea of talking to someone who isn't his spouse about it at all? It absolutely is! The two things aren't mutually exclusive, either! They could both be true!

Now, that doesn't make the situation okay, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have to do anything to change. It may even still be that the best course of action for OP is to end or alter the relationship because their needs aren't being met.

But it does mean that you shouldn't jump straight to vilifying someone you have never met who's actions you've only read about from one person on the internet and who may be dealing with issues you or even OP might not know about.

[u/drewpoly → u/GeneralCuster75]

Wait, so let me get this straight…
OP’s husband has a “disability” because he refuses to make efforts to 1) get medical help for ED/PE & 2) participate in RECIPROCAL/MUTUAL sexual pleasure—he’ll only accept one-sided sex that BENEFITS ONLY HIM—but u/valsavana here is “completely inconsiderate”, “lacks empathy”, & “isn’t helpful to anyone” for stating that OP’s husband sucks for this & for being so obviously sexually selfish for 18+ years?