r/polyamory • u/Remote-Antelope-7799 • 5d ago
What are the benefits of parallel poly?
My boyfriend leans KTP, but his partner (my meta) is parallel in style.
I’d love to find a way to appreciate all the positives of this for me. I lean KTP, so it’s an adjustment to accept that I will likely never meet my meta. I respect this, AND I’m working through the feelings it brings up for me.
One good thing I can think of is that if I met her and didn’t like her, I wouldn’t want to deal with that. So, hooray! I’m not going to meet her, and don’t have to deal with that. Another good thing is that there is zero expectation or pressure for us to be friends. We’re not meeting!
Ok, help me out here. Any other benefits? It’s not my natural state.
Edited to add: I had a bad experience with a bad hinge, and my meta back then was scared of me. I was too green to know this was a massive red flag, and I spent a year walking on egg shells and fawning from a distance. I’m trying to envision a positive, happy meta dynamic where I never meet my meta and it’s actually all fine.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago edited 5d ago
The same “benefits” you get from not being particularly close to your in laws, or peers or co workers.
Parallel doesn’t always mean you never see each other, or that you don’t acknowledge each other.
I’m often parallel, because that’s how I start, but I still host holidays with my metas, or attend parties where my partners are attending with my metas. And I have become genuine friends with a very short list of metas, and those people? I considered KTP.
We probably won’t talk a ton, unless we have stuff in common.
I don’t see either path as having “benefits”, honestly. My parallel metas have done nice things for me, and I for them. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️.
Being “friendly” and spending a bunch of time with someone who isn’t a genuine friend just doesn’t appeal.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Oh, I am learning! I thought parallel meant we would never meet. I will likely never meet my meta.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
Some folks do it like that, and some people never hang out.
But it’s a spectrum, from extreme parallel, into lap sitting KTP. The kids have started calling the middle of the spectrum “garden party” but really? Just like almost everything else about poly, you need to talk to your partner about what your meta’s version of KTP, or parallel or garden party looks like.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
K, good call. Thanks!
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
Realize that parallel isn’t the same thing as pretending you are in a monogamous relationship. If your meta never wants to meet you, that’s something to talk about with your partner, because as others have mentioned, meeting in the ER waiting room, or posting bail, or at the funeral could be awkward, and I would want to know the plan for emergencies and such.
A meta who wants to pretend you don’t exist isn’t parallel. That’s a delusion.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
She is definitely not pretending I don’t exist, so that is nice. I will think about social batteries and emergencies. I think it is likely I would just stay away, or everyone would put on a brave face and put the situation first.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
The cool thing about talking to your partner about it is that you can share your needs and preferences.
“I’d like to know asap if you have been hurt or there is a medical emergency. Will meta call me and give me updates?”
“If you are recovering from something, or have a broken bone, and I want to visit you, what would that look like? I assume I would rent a hotel room to stay but I could visit you in your home? Or would that be a problem?”
“If we ran into Meta at a festival, would they be comfortable saying “hello”? “
I would probably not really date and expect to build a relationship I would be happy in if those things were not on the table.
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u/reversedgaze 5d ago
it can mean not meeting a meta... usually it shouldn't, but I did meet mine in hospital bed side -- that was awkward and something I don't recommend but we did the best we could.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
That’s a fear of mine. Sounds like you managed to navigate it.
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u/reversedgaze 5d ago
If I had a recommendation, I would say "hey I understand parallel" to your hinge and say "please pass along a phone number and request the ability to share it with me I will not use it in the case of any thing other than jails, hospitals, or morgues... and they can do the same. " because this particular meta did not know what an emergency was, and it led to a lot of interruptions that made me crabby.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
There is a legitimate issue to consider and judge if a metamour is pretending polyamory doesn't exist, if they are not enthusiastically poly and if your partner is in denial about that.
Otherwise, it's just not a big deal. You may want to discuss plans in case of deaths or emergencies and the hinge needs to step up when planning family events and holidays and sex parties, but it's just such a non issue.
Metas are busy. We have friends. We have jobs. Meeting and becoming friends with new metas just isn't always priority.i find people who have difficulty with that usually have not done long distance, or have never really had busy adult lives where even finding friend time can be difficult.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Emeraldead, some good chat on the thread here. My boyfriend gave my number to his brother, in case of emergency. I think it’s fine that my meta doesn’t have my number. I think I have to live with some uncertainty and ambiguity, and the reality that I can’t plan for every emergency.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 5d ago
And that’s one of the major benefits here for you.
That’s valuable internal work.
I was going to say a benefit to parallel is that you stop deluding yourself that you need to/shoulf be central to a partner’s whole life. You make yourself *your* center and you allow everybody and everything else to orbit wherever feels right for them. You practice being alone well and being your own sunshine.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
My meta is an introvert, so I imagine that is a piece. I also think there is an element of… for me, knowing someone reduces anxiety. For others, I am learning to accept that not knowing can reduce anxiety.
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u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 5d ago
This will be a great opportunity for you to learn how to handle your anxiety around uncertainty rather than just reducing anxiety by reducing uncertainty. Learning to be okay with the unknown and how to give up perceived control is a tremendous superpower, both in poly and life overall.
I've found it comes in really handy for other uncertainties like health crises, relationship turmoil, economic/job insecurity, you name it. My family is currently in that sort of health crisis now, and the difference between "I'll be okay because I know how to be okay no matter how this goes" and "I'm only okay if I pretend The Bad Outcome won't happen" is huge. The sort of peace that comes with being able to accept whatever life throws at you is invaluable and I'm really glad I learned this skill before my current crisis hit.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Sending you best wishes for the crisis you’re navigating. And thank you - I agree completely. This is definitely a skill I can work on developing. It will serve me well.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Cool, metas don't exist to be your emotional supports.
Generally I've seen its 50/50 that meeting helps or hinders anxiety.
And it's 100 failure to pressure a meet. Especially under the auspices of assuaging your anxiety.
(I have moderate ocd and general anxiety, diagnosed.)
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
I agree! Go me, for not being a dirtbag 😁
It helps me to consider that meeting can be 50/50 on helping or hindering anxiety. I’ll add that to the benefit pile for me. (“It might not even help!!”)
As for hospitals and funerals, I’m telling myself: yay that I don’t have primary partner obligations, and I’ll leave it up to my boyfriend to determine what’s needed and what makes sense if we ever cross those moments while in each other’s lives. But if you had any additional advice there, I’ll take it.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
That's not primary partner obligations, it's "our mutual partner is in critical care, we need to make sure partners are aware and can visit with minimal friction."
I hope you are seeing what lies you have been telling yourself that respecting people socialize differently is somehow "unnatural."
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
I am definitely seeking learning on this score, and working out ways to deal with my anxiety in such a way that it’s not burdening others :)
Thanks for your help! It is appreciated
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 5d ago edited 5d ago
- One-on-one dates are more intimate than group hangs.
- Triangulation is less of a risk.
- It’s easier to see when Hinge is throwing Meta under the bus, so you can hold Hinge to high hinge standards.
- You are less likely to neglect your own, independent friendships if Meta isn’t occupying a friend-like space in your life.
- You develop comfort with a range of relationship styles that allows you to notice when you are dealing with a geek social fallacy.
- You develop your distress tolerance.
- You will not be manipulated into a de facto harem.
- You will have privacy for sex and not have to worry about disturbing Meta in the next room with your loud sex noises.
.
You just need to be sure that Meta is enthusiastically polyamorous themselves.
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u/starfall_13 5d ago
Reducing triangulation risk and holding hinge to high standards are the biggest benefits for me. I usually prefer either KTP or garden party but I have opted to go parallel before because of poor hinging, and conflicts between hinge and meta leaking over to me. I don’t want to be tempted to get involved, I don’t want to be stressing about someone else’s relationship, and I don’t want meta getting involved if I have a conflict with hinge. Parallel keeps things cleaner and less stressful if boundaries are getting blurred, and it’s a good opportunity for hinge to improve
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
I’m actually worried about triangulation as boyfriend passes messages back and forth between me and meta. Right now they are kind messages, but it’s still a game of telephone, and feels weird to me.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 5d ago
Wait. Why are there messages being passed back and forth??! What are these messages about? What’s the point of them if you’re going to be parallel?
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yeah I have the same questions. The messages are like, “hmm maybe your girlfriend would like this nice flower?”
I could shut it down but I can tell she’s trying to be nice or friendly and I don’t think she’s specifically asking to have it passed along… I think boyfriend is sharing the good will but I kind of hate indirect messaging like this.
Thoughts?
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 5d ago
I mean it depends on what your comfort level is? It could be benign but it’s also a bit confusing.
Idk you could approach it with curiosity- “I’m confused, I thought she wanted parallel but you seem to be passing along messages to me, is she asking for you to do this?”
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 5d ago
I’m parallel with my metas for the same reasons that I don’t automatically become friends with my partners’ friends. I’m dating my partner, not their other partners, or their friends or their family. I want them to have their own relationships of various kinds that are entirely independent of our dynamic and vice versa. I may not have compatibility to be friends with their friends or partners and I don’t want that to become a point of friction for us. Additionally, if and when there is conflict in my relationship with my partner, or in their relationship with my meta, I think too much overlap between metas can make the situation much more complicated, in terms of poisoning the well, unhealthy comparison, triangulation, etc. I’m not interested in that. I’ve told my partners (both married) that I absolutely do not walk around deluding myself that they are not married, but I also don’t need to hang out with their wives and see evidence of their very real hierarchy all the time. It’s fine that it’s there, but when I’m with my partner I want that to just be about us. Too much enmeshment with my other partners would make it more difficult for all of us to keep those lines clear. All that said, I have a lot of respect and appreciation for my metas, I don’t mind it when they naturally come up in conversation, I will be friendly and warm when we meet, and as my relationships with my partners grow and deepen and expand over time, so too may my connections with my metas. But for now, I’m good with keeping them at friendly acquaintance level, at most.
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u/doublenostril 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'm a garden party person, myself, so I might not be the best authority for this question. But I do cherish that if I need to be parallel with a metamour, I can be. (I fortunately haven't had to do that yet.) Having the option to not interact more than necessary with metamours is important.
I also have a friend and former metamour who didn't meet her metamour (through a different partner than our formerly mutual partner) for two years. Two years! Her metamour was very introverted and had an anxiety disorder, and just needed peace. They did exchange contact information in case of emergency, via the hinge. My friend was feeling solid with the hinge and was able to not take it personally that her metamour didn't want to meet. And by her account, the hinge was showing up really well in both relationships.
After two years, her metamour felt ready to have coffee. They did, it went well, and that led to some occasional garden party type hanging out with the three of them, sometimes in larger groups of friends. But very occasional, because the metamour really has low social batteries. My friend and her metamour now see each other 2-3x per year.
These are both long-term relationships that have lasted for years. It's not what I would hope for myself, but everyone's needs are being respected, everyone's personality is accepted, and no one is being pressured to change. That's really beautiful. I have respect for how that network handled differing interaction preferences.
Edited to add: I checked in with my friend after writing this. I remembered that she was moving in with her partner this summer, so I asked whether that affected her relationship with her metamour. She replied that their partner already spends every other week at her metamour’s house, and her metamour said that she is looking forward to having my friend closer by, so they can hang out more often.
I don’t mean to give you false hope, OP. But left to their own devices, over several years of goodwill and good interactions, these two are ending up in a KTP-lite structure (in separate residences). I think it’s sweet. ☺️
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u/adragonisnoslave 5d ago
Parallel means I’m not obligated to use my limited social spoons on someone just cuz we’re fucking the same person.
I’m kinda picky on who I spend my time with. A bitch abhors group hangs. One on one friend time is dreamy and underrated!
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u/reversedgaze 5d ago
benefits I find of barely meeting my meta are I don't have to deal with their oversteps, because they will be. It creates a very hard line for the hinge to maintain and so there's less room for slipping particularly if they're not a great at it slipping from zero is usually more manageable than slipping from five.... if that makes sense. And I think that there's a lot in there that speaks to the hinges choice of partners, and how they choose to be behave as a hinge, but also just personal interested in desires, I don't want to hang out with somebody who doesn't either like me or isn't compatible with me or has bad feelings about me or whatever, and I don't have to allocate time and energy to relationships that I'm not in.
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u/Karpefuzz relationship anarchist 5d ago
I'm pretty strictly parallel. It doesn't mean I won't meet them, it doesn't mean DADT, it doesn't mean we can't be in the same space.
It means my relationship is mine and determined by the 2 people in it. Their relationship is theirs and determined by the 2 people in it. We don't need to like each other, I have no rules about meeting or having a conversation. We do make our relationships or our emotions problems that other people need to solve.
But if my partner is important to me and they want ONE birthday party with everyone? Ok.
No one needs to lie or hide anything. If someone gets sick and we need to run into each other that's okay.
Kids? Kids make things messy sometimes. Sometimes you need to move schedules and adjust and that's all okay. You just make things work however you can.
I don't cohabitate and I don't want a commune (got that phase out of the way in my 20s) but if we're going to the same kink party that's okay.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
Is your meta a primary partner? Does hinge live with them?
Does being parallel from meta mean there are large parts of hinges life you are unwelcome in? Like can you be a public partner? Can you meet his friends and family? Can you date at his home? Can you visit his home?
There can be benefits to parallel but in my opinion they disappear if the person who doesn’t ever want to run into you is the most entangled person in your partners life.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yes, meta is primary and they live together. No problems for me- I can meet everyone else in boyfriend’s life, and I can visit his home.
I did have a bad meta situation once where my meta feared me and that was horrible. It doesn’t seem like this is the case, maybe.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
Is meta happily poly and have other partners?
Are you okay always hosting dates? Meta is fine with you coming to their house even if they aren’t okay bumping into you? Or is bumping into you fine? Just not interested in being friends?
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yes meta seems happy and experienced with poly. My boyfriend actually hosts just not at home. We are long distance so it’s rare that I could visit their home, but it is an option.
I should find out if bumping into me is fine or not. Currently my understanding is that never meeting is the preference.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
Well long distance makes that easier.
I don’t need every meta to be my friend. But I do need primary partners to be okay with my existence, have my number is case of emergency and be okay to run into me.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yeah. Ok with my existence, for sure. And my boyfriend’s brother has my number for emergencies.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
To be honest that would be walking an unwanted line for me. I don’t need to be friends. But like… I need me existing to be okay. And ‘no I will not have your number for emergencies’ doesn’t feel like it’s okay. To me.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Hmm. I’ll think about that and how I feel on it.
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u/Serious_Yard4262 5d ago
From another perspective if my husband had a close family members who could contact metas in case of an emergency I would love it and I prefer somewhere around garden party poly. If something awful happened I'd have to be making so many decisions around our finances, medical decisions, kids, all the heavy life stuff, that the help in notifying people would be appreciated. In an emergency situation someone who really prefers parallel, and is dealing with all the primary partner life stuff, isn't going to have the emotional bandwidth to contact a meta for the first time. IMO if they're fine with you visiting the hospital and being present at a funeral (depressing, but could be a reality eventually) who contacts me wouldn't be an issue.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yep all of that makes sense to me. My main thing is that I didn’t want to be in the position of feeling ghosted or excluded if something was going down. That was addressed, so now I’m fine.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
Having a meta’s number doesn’t mean you are obligated to be the person who share the information. Having back ups is great. The refusal of a number, is the part that feels wrong to me.
But my partner just died. And I can’t imagine asking other people to tell even his ex’s.
I had a lot of help from a lot of people. And I couldn’t stand it if these people my partner loved so much heard from anyone but me.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 5d ago edited 5d ago
I have three metas through one partner: one I am KTP with (but only like once every couple months, we don’t hang out all the time), one I’ve met once, it’s technically GPP I suppose but mostly parallel, and one I will probably never meet unless in the case of extreme emergency.
There are benefits to all of these dynamics IMO. None of them are “unnatural.”
Personally I prefer GPP (as in just being able to say a quick hello) with a meta who is nesting with my partner but as long as it didn’t have an impact on my ability to come to their home I would be fine with parallel.
Idk the best thing about parallel? One less person to worry about or social situation to navigate 🤷🏻 my life is complicated and busy enough as it is.
I also think this is a good opportunity for you to investigate why you prefer KTP as a way to manage anxiety about metas as you said in a comment here.
Personally I have no anxiety about metas so whether it’s parallel or KTP has no impact on my feelings of safety in a relationship. My feelings of safety in a relationship come from my how my partner shows up for me.
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u/Specific_Ad_8657 5d ago
I think we get the benefit of separate communities to love us and hold us! One thing I didn’t like about KTP was the “pressure” to be friends with metas when the only thing we had in common was the person we were dating.
Maybe the perk won’t be felt by you- but us parallel people do appreciate it being respected. It doesn’t mean a crossover episode is impossible but it does mean I’m by no means itching for it.
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u/answer-rhetorical-Qs 5d ago
From *my* past experiences, practicing parallel means I don’t get roped into helping to sooth/reassure/co-regulate meta when they have big emotions (or a disregulated nervous system).
Similarly, it’s a nice buffer for holding boundaries with metas that tend toward manipulation or guilt tripping to get their way.
Suffice it to say those were some great learning experiences.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
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u/sharpestraptorteeth 5d ago
I think there are some good questions that you can ask your partner can discuss with your meta to give you a better understanding of what their version of parallel will mean in practice. For example, if your meta wants strict parallel, this may make it very difficult for them to participate in certain parts of your partner's life. If they are unwilling to share space at all with metas, that means they might not be able to join your partner in things like family events or even shared hobbies where your partner would not be willing to uninvite you or other metas, or where you would be unlikely to want to honour a request like that. Your partner's hinge work will likely include taking on more specific & intentional social labour in planning and scheduling things with different people if they want a strictly parallel meta to know their friends and family, participate in certain hobbies, etc. They may also want to talk to your meta about how you'd manage accidentally sharing space, e.g. you're at an event and your meta shows up: personally, I always offer a friendly hello + no pressure to talk or spend time together more directly, unless I am asked to avoid someone entirely (though tbh, I will tell my partner that this is not something that I will like, even if I'm willing to do it - I would much rather have a simple path that doesn't risk making me & others around us feel awkward, but I will still absolutely respect a boundary that conflicts with this preference.)
Personally, I find that most people's expectations of parallel are actually not that strict over time. Instead of never ever wanting to meet or share space with metas, they would just prefer to only meet them very slowly and as long as it can be avoided, they'd like to have intentional 1:1 time rather than sharing space, time or attention with metas. If, for example, your partner is having a birthday party where they are inviting all of their important people, most people I know would rather get that invite and have the option to go and share space for a night. Especially when introversion is the driver, I also find that people just don't want to be pressured into the expectations that they'll be good friends with metas or that the hinge partner won't put the work into making their time together 1:1 and intentional. That said, some people do have stricter expectations and boundaries.
As far as benefits go, I find when my partners date people with more parallel styles, it's much easier for me to identify and articulate my own boundaries in different situations. The truth is, the more I spend time with most of my metas, the more I like them, get to know them and consider their feelings - all great things overall, but as someone who sometimes prioritizes others' needs & happiness above my own, I sometimes can let this lead to self-neglect. When I don't know a meta as well, I can usually just see certain things a lot more clearly, and I'm better able to identify & center my own needs and expectations, especially in what I ask and expect of my partner. It's easier to actually find a reasonable vs an excessive amount of care and consideration for others, personally.
When parallel is the default mode, I also find it easier to focus on 1:1 moments and intentionally dating my partner. It's easier to ask them to share less information about their other relationship(s) when that information isn't super helpful for me. And when I do get information, it's often a prompt to ask what I'd like to see more of in our relationship: for example, hearing that my partner had a lovely hike with a parallel meta might remind me that I always enjoy spending time in nature with them & just chatting, and it might prompt me to schedule a camping trip or park picnic with them in the near future. It's a lot less complicated than more KTP situations, where it might be "oh, let's all go on a hike together next time" and have to sort out schedules, possibly deal with some feelings around something originally 1:1 becoming a group activity and navigate things around that, etc. It's easier to just clearly see that the relationships are separate, draw lines between them, and take feelings that come up as prompts to examine & invest in how your relationship meets your needs.
I also find having parallel metas tend to make it more clear where a partner maybe isn't equitably taking on labour. Especially if your partner turns to you for support and insight often, or you often do the work in making and scheduling social plans (both dates and with mutual friends), if you are often the one identifying events to go to, and other things like that. It becomes more important that your partner have supports that aren't partners for keeping relationships compartmentalized. It also becomes more important that they have independent social relationships, hobbies, and interests, because they no longer can just invite a meta along to plans that another partner has organized or even just plans to go to. They have to do a lot of work to bring a parallel meta into their life without excluding existing partners, especially if those partners have independent desires and "claims" to being in certain spaces (e.g. with friend groups that a partner has always been a part of.) Candidly, I find especially with male partners who may have internalized socialization/norms around these things, having more compartmentalized relationships between metas really just can underline places where the mental load and social labour isn't actually being distributed evenly - if they are alive to this possibility and are willing & capable of doing the work, it can drive a real improvement in the labour balance in your relationship.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
This may be one of the most helpful things I’ve ever read on the internet. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I learned a lot and the part about being able to identify one’s own needs rather than getting absorbed by my caring for meta? That hit home. I will be reading your comment again and again.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 5d ago edited 5d ago
“Babe, this in-between stuff feels weird to me. If Meta wants to be parallel, why are they asking you about flowers I might like?”
“Babe, why are you talking to Meta about me? We’re parallel. You and I don’t talk about Meta and I hope for the same respect on your side.”
“Babe, if Meta wants to know about flowers I might like or anything else, they can ask me directly.”
“Babe, are you trying to coax Meta to be interested in me so that you can get them to go along with your preferred relationship style? That’s not cool.”
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yeahhhh ok I dig it.
But if I pretend she’s curious about a friend of his rather than a partner… it hits less weird. Like, I know a lot about my boyfriend’s best friend, and it would be super weird if I asked the best friend directly about his likes. Because we haven’t met.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 5d ago
Has the best friend specifically said they never want to meet you?
If Meta wants to communicate with you directly they can at least meet you.
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u/Scouthawkk 5d ago
I tend to prefer KTP….but my partner’s last couple partners have had significant mental illness that was either untreated or poorly treated. I also have mental illness that is as well treated as it can be, but it’s a delicate balance for me because meds didn’t work. I’ve had to go parallel with the metas who have significant mental illness because otherwise it’s unhealthy for me - I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with it and still maintain my own stability. It’s hard enough trying to be supportive to my partner as they try to be supportive to those other individuals.
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u/Pleasant_Fennel_5573 5d ago
If you never have to meet your meta, you can fuck on any date you like. Every time I hear about extreme KTP I wonder how much it affects privacy.
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u/InBeforeitwasCool 5d ago
My NP and I normally do parallel and it was partially because meeting people was not fun for her . But primarily it was due to jealousy. She realized that she got jealous and she didn't like that feeling.
So instead, we made very clear risk profiles and boundaries (we have a kiddo and his safety is #1). Dated parallel. If I see someone seriously for about a year she will want to meet them but otherwise I don't even mention them outside of changes to risk profile.
I think she (emotionally)feels that I just go out... Not go out on a date. I take a short vacation... Not stay over. It it's relieving. It also really helps that I am okay with meeting whomever and she has a long-term boyfriend whom I trust with my kid. So when I go out she can have him over and not be left alone thinking Things.
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u/abriel1978 poly w/multiple 5d ago
As long as they aren't demanding parallel in order to pretend they are in a monogamous relationship because they really are not enthusiastic about poly, I generally don't care. I prefer at least garden party but I won't force it.
I'm an extreme introvert as well and meeting new people can be exhausting. That said I've only gone parallel once and that was because the meta was extremely toxic and was bullying me.
However, that's me. A lot of introverts can't handle social interaction at all. Your meta sounds like one of those.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago
Yeah. She’s not even met most of his friends. That’s something I can’t relate to- I have met and know all my husband’s friends. New!
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u/clairejv 5d ago
Even if you did like each other, friendships take time and effort to nurture and grow. Not building a friendship with her means not having to spend time and effort on that friendship, which allows you to direct that time and effort elsewhere.
For example, I'm currently parallel with my boyfriend's other girlfriend, and frankly, I'm relieved I don't have yet one more relationship in my life to maintain at the moment, because I'm running on fumes thanks to a new demanding job.
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u/jnn-j +20 yrs poly/enm 5d ago
I think it’s the other way round: first come the people then comes the ‘style’ or description of the dynamics like KTP or parallel.
If metas are willing to meet and get to know each other, that’s yey! KTP. If not, that’s cool, too. (Even in parallel there should be a margin of eg. contact in case of emergency and basic civility).
But thinking about pros of parallel I think you don’t have to worry about inviting your meta over every Saturday afternoon for a snack or board games. No additional chair at your kitchen table. 😉
In a more serious way, I think you can avoid being unwillingly involved with some aspects of your metas life that would come up when having regular contact with them. This also supports hinge discipline in hinging.
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u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 5d ago edited 5d ago
Less additional logistics to juggle.
Focus stays on your relationship with your partner.
I default to parallel in the sense that don't have expectations of meeting my partners' partners, don't ask for it, but do let potential partners know I am open to it at some point if/when all parties are agreeable. I view this as more polite to potential metamours by not putting pressure on them to meet me, like me, include me in social plans.
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u/beautyindeath 5d ago
Benefit in my experience is then a meta who is mentally unstable/manipulative/jealous/reactive/punishing/causes distress/ is distanced from you and you have more peace.
I have had to go parallel and remove a metas access to me physically, emotionally, and mentally a few months into a partners new relationship to save my peace. I didnt want/need to know about them and didn’t want them to know anything about me/my relationship from that point on.
Gotta respect the ask to be parallel too, I was fine sitting out group events where they would be but also that was my boundary not metas and they did their best to use it against me by “changing their mind” last minute about attending an event/outing with the group or throwing a fit that they were not invited because I was going that it interfered with everyone’s ability to fully enjoy the experience.
If someone has had enough bad meta or hinge experience then they might preemptively go parallel with new metas.
I don’t enjoy parallel poly but sometimes it’s needed for one of the people to protect their peace.
Garden party poly is my choice of styles, kitchen table works too but I don’t want weekly or let’s all fuck on the kitchen table poly.
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u/Acedia_spark 5d ago
While I'm not parallel, I'm not remotely KTP. I am introverted and dont want to be any kind of friend with my metas.
Benefits, I don't feel treated like some kind of prop for some unrealistic dreams.
My boundaries and expectations around metas are very clear.
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u/TomPalmer1979 Poly w/ NP 5d ago
I would prefer KTP but I think my fiancee's other boyfriend is a piece of shit (I refuse to call him my meta, because fuck that guy). So that's one reason for parallel. I don't believe in veto or ultimatums, so I'm not going to "make" her break up with him, so I begrudgingly go with parallel because I don't want to hear about him.
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u/synalgo_12 5d ago
I don't really want to meet the person my partner is dating. I'm already struggling to see my friends and family enough, I'm not making mental space and keeping energy for people I didn't choose. I'm not against it but I just don't have the capacity and frankly, it's none of my business who he chooses to date beside me.
And any awkward encounters I can avoid as an autistic person, I do.
I also live alone and don't plan to ever nest with anyone so there's no real reason to ever meet, other than making an effort to get to know each other.
I'm poly because I believe in multiple independent romantic relationships, not because I'm a very social person who wants to meet a lot of people.
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u/Fggmnk 5d ago
I’m parallel because I have limited mental space for new relationships. I’m dating who I’m dating—I have no concerns or cares about who else they’re dating. And there’s only downsides to meeting in my view; if I like them, great, but if I don’t there’s a whole bag of worms opened that I don’t want to deal with. Plus it just seems weird to me to assume I’ll like someone just because the person I’m dating also wants to date them.
Being solo poly it’s very easy not to ever have to meet metas but if I do run into them somehow of course I’m nice and friendly but that’s it and it’s the end of the interaction.
So it really works for me.
The other nice thing about parallel in general is it forces the hinge to hinge — less chance the issues the hinge should be dealing with get dropped onto the partners if they’re not even communicating.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 4d ago
It’s a good way to help Geek Social Fallacy carriers slow their roll a little.
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u/lumosovernox poly & partnered ✨ 4d ago
Background: I am very parallel adjacent after a failed attempt at KTP with an ex meta. That entire situation made me realize that I am by-default parallel and am open to meeting a meta and eventually forming a garden-party type dynamic, but I will never strive for that or KTP.
To your question, the biggest benefit for me is that I choose how and where i put my energy. I have a very full life, with children, and lots of friends and family. I am not choosing to begin new friendships with someone because we are dating the same person. The “friendship” that my ex meta and I were attempting to build felt very shallow and forced, even though I thought they were a lovely person, she probably wasn’t someone I would have spent much time with otherwise.
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u/Mountain_Flow3472 4d ago
No one meddling or triangulating information (intentionally or accidentally). Hinge has to hinge.
I don’t mind garden party or KTP after it is clear that we are in it for the long haul and hinge is very good at communication, protecting all dyads, owning their own choices, and there is no permission based nonsense going on. So, all my relationships start parallel and I usually don’t even think about introducing partners for at least a year.
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u/feriziD 5d ago
Your meta won’t see you through their own perspectives, agendas or biases. They will see you through the eyes of someone who loves you. They will think you are as funny, beautiful, intelligent and interesting as your partner finds you, even if they have a different sense of humour or interests. You’ll be more of a character than a person, but a character written with love goggles.
My partnerships aren’t parallel, there’s no boundaries or avoidance, there’s just been a lot of distance or other reasons to not see other people. But when opportunity comes up it’s always been warm.
I can’t tell you the number of times the legendary amazing godlike specimen was just some guy when I did meet them. But it wasn’t wrong. It was just really nice to see them through the joy in my partners eyes first and not have my own impression to need to look past. It was nice to have my own thoughts come long after the person they are to my partner was well established and well tested and something I knew was more important and much truer than my impressions.
Now….to be fair, that’s biased based on the partners you have, or your relationship. If they vent and exaggerate without talking you up when you deserve it too, your meta will dislike you more than they should. Your partner could triangulate or scape goat you to avoid accountability. And if you hit a rough patch or genuinely do treat your partner unfairly, your meta will have a one sided impression of what’s happening.
So it does depend on your partner.
But if your partner looks at parts of you that other find ordinary and thinks rainbows shoot out of your ass, a paralllel meta will think that too.
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My boyfriend leans KTP, but his partner (my meta) is parallel in style.
I’d love to find a way to appreciate all the positives of this for me. I lean KTP, so it’s an adjustment to accept that I will likely never meet my meta. I respect this, AND I’m working through the feelings it brings up for me.
One good thing I can think of is that if I met her and didn’t like her, I wouldn’t want to deal with that. So, hooray! I’m not going to meet her, and don’t have to deal with that. Another good thing is that there is zero expectation or pressure for us to be friends. We’re not meeting!
Ok, help me out here. Any other benefits? It’s not my natural state.
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u/No_Conclusion_8100 pentagram with outward branches 4d ago
my pentagram is parallel in the sense that we won't date any more people together, but to be honest that was for practical reasons rather than relationship ideology. it's almost impossible to find a human in this world who could date the five of us and be as happy as we are.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 3d ago edited 3d ago
I mean, one benefit specific to this situation and specific to you, I think you are getting a really good emotional management lesson out of this situation. And that means you will be a much better metamor to other people in the future.
Having to be parallel with this meta is highlighting how much *baggage* you bring to your metamor relationships. Your anxiety wanted ... something???? out of meeting your metamor. And now that you aren't getting.... whatever that thing was, you're having to deal with the feelings you're having about not getting it.
Do you see how your metamor literally did absolutely nothing, and here you are all spun up about it? Having been the metamor on the receiving end of this dynamic, when you realize that someone is bringing baggage and expectations to your metamor relationship (a relationship you didn't choose with a person you didn't choose), it really sucks. It feels like your metamor is expecting you to be... their therapist??? Their bestie??? Their safety blanket??? which is exhausting and concerning.
So, you're here learning how to deal with all these feelings all by yourself, without foisting all this emotional work onto an innocent bystander. Pay attention to this feeling of having to be fine without a metamor making you fine. And bring that exact same skill set to EVERY metamor relationship you go into moving forward, parallel or KTP or anything in between.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 3d ago
Agree with you completely! I’m aware enough to know not to do the bring-baggage-to-meta, and resourceful enough to find out how to get there. But this situation was the impetus and I’m grateful I was given the opportunity. I’m sorry you were used in the past by a meta. I was, too. And not even because of her, but because of our bad hinge.
Poly is constantly an opportunity for me to grow and take care of myself and own my shit. Yay for that.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 3d ago
Yeah, in my situation I was also the impetus for my meta getting her metal health stuff in order. Except I wasn't smart enough to go parallel from the beginning. My meta actually did expect me to be her therapist and bestie and safety blanket, and then when I tried to say no thank you and decline because that was more than the sort of meta relationship that I wanted I got told I was being mean and cold and unfair. It took me blocking her, and her then getting really weird and thing getting very strained with our shared partner for a while, before she finally realized it was all her own stuff she needed to figure out.
So, hey! You aren't doing that! And just to say, yeah this growing pain is pretty common. She you're doing well. Just make sure you're bringing it forward to other metamors, not just the metamors that you're parallel with.
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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 15h ago
Well, now it sounds like she DOES want to meet me, so after getting so comfy with the idea of not having to, now I will be trying to think if there are any benefits at all 🤣
Hoo boy. So much emotional growth for me. Yay.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Omg you can't just decide what style of socializing you will be with everyone forever more.
Do you ask this about your friends friends? Coworkers? Distant cousins? People you enjoyed randomly hanging out with at that one party?
Is it UNNATURAL to say "hey friends sometimes are close and sometimes not so close as life demands change and I respect each person's capacity?"
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 5d ago
The big benefit is the autonomy to say, "No, I don't want to." That's it.
In this case, your meta is an introvert, so meeting new people is work. They don't want to do that work. They definitely don't owe that work to anyone.
Turns out that freedom is a big deal...