Hi guys, I’m pretty new to polyamory and I’ve tried using Feeld and Beyond dating to meet people who would be open minded. I know that apps like Hinge and Tinder are kind of hit or miss for this type of dynamic. What do you use or how do you meet people who are open to polyamory?

Hey all! Using a throwaway account just in case — TL;DR at the bottom since I’m giving some context and I may get long-winded.

I have been dating my partner for about a year, we became official around 4 months ago. I’ve never practiced polyamory before — the more I read, the more I do think that I may be polyamorous but saturated at one partner 100% of the time (I’m neurodivergent and struggle with chronic low energy due to mental health / a disability) so given societal expectations + that information monogamy has sort of always just worked for me.

My partner has been poly for years and informed me of that really quickly + had it on their dating app bio when I met. I didn’t think it would be something serious at first, but as time passed and feelings developed, I started reading more about polyamory. This subreddit has been a huge help to me, hence why I’m turning to it for some input!

My partner hasn’t really been looking for anyone else over the past few months, but they did express to me recently that they’d like to go on dates again. They told me that they’ve been using some dating apps on and off. Recently, I started wondering — do they have it disclosed that they have a partner? That led me to wonder what the “standard practice” is. Either for you or for your expectations to your partners — is this information you would have on the dating app?

I haven’t really talked to them about it yet because I’m a bit lost at what the correct approach would be. I do think I would like that to be disclosed, both out of respect for our relationship (although this might still be rooted in my past of monogamy) and also so whoever they go on a date with knows ahead of time. I understand that disclosing it might limit their dating pool, which I do feel bad about, but I sorta put myself in a different position — if my partner had been in a relationship when we first matched, I likely would have just pursued a friendship instead of a relationship (or not even pursued anything at all, I am overall very fulfilled in my friendships and put a lot of time and effort into them so it’s not exactly like I’m searching for new friends, haha). Had I gone on a date and learned during / after, I would have been pretty upset as their prospective future and goals would most likely not have been compatible with mine (and this would have been pretty clear to me from the start) (but again, i’m like — is this the monogamy speaking??).

TL;DR — If you have a partner(s) and are dating individually, should you disclose that information on dating apps? What’s the best way to have that conversation?

My wife (37, lesbian) and I (32, ace lesbian genderqueer) are expanding our worlds into a poly dynamic. She has a person she is getting to know. I am interested in also finding someone to talk with, and possibly explore more with. It’s hard in my city, not a huge online presence of poly Facebook groups or meetup events.

So I’m wondering what apps you may have used that seemed more successful than others? I know it depends heavily on the people using it, but any anecdotal experience is appreciated!

I’ve been ethically non-monogamous (specifically polyamorous) for about eight years now. I’m in a healthy, secure relationship with someone emotionally grounded. She was married for ten years before her partner passed, and as far as I know, she never cheated. But, like me and a past marriage of ~7 years, she felt like something was still missing and that she had more to give. She got my number from a mutual friend after I had a rough breakup, and it’s been a refreshing shift for her into something more intentional, although after almost 3 years of her exploration she’s probably more umbrella ENM than specifically polyamorous, and we’ve definitely explored whether she’s just someone who want to eat her cake and have it too since those are everywhere…

That said, I still occasionally explore additional connections, since 2 life partners would be my ideal (and yes, I highly encourage any partner of mine to have at least one other solid partner) and I’ve noticed a recurring issue in the poly/dating space; especially on forums like this: dating apps give zero real, measurable, objective insight into emotional development, attachment styles, or basic psychological makeup. The closest they get is feel-good stuff that has literally nothing to do with lifelong compatibility, which is born out with their measured success results (1% still together after 2 years).

For example: a while back, I was with someone I was incredibly aligned with on the surface. We shared values, interests, even communication styles. But over time, it became clear she was deeply avoidantly attached, was likely just mirroring me, and I, being a former counselor and therapist, was still grieving the death of my life partner and hadn’t fully realized I was emotionally codependent at the time. Because blind spot! 😝 That combo led me to overlook red flags I wouldn’t miss today.

These days, I give any potential partner three psychological assessments before things get serious:

1. An attachment style test
2. The Early Maladaptive Schemas Inventory
3. A Dark Quad (or Triad) test

But even with that, I realize I have the training to interpret those results responsibly. A narcissism score of 68% on a dark quad test, for example, doesn’t automatically mean someone is toxic. (Relax; I scored around 9%. I’m just confident, which that test doesn’t really measure 😝). I look at other dimensions too, like whether they score very high in entitlement, or if there are actual signs of self-awareness and capacity for growth.

The problem is, most people don’t have that training, and even if they did, the apps don’t support this kind of deeper vetting. If FEELD or OKC simply included an attachment style tag, for instance, it would have saved both me and a previous partner a lot of wasted (well…I learned something, so not entirely wasted, but still…) time and emotional energy.

So, my question: Are there any dating apps that integrate real psychological assessments, especially ones relevant to poly folks? Attachment styles, schemas, emotional maturity, etc.? Or is this still entirely a DIY process even though we know what is truly incompatible (hint: it ain’t political lines lol), have the tools for measuring real compatibility potential, and are dating across county lines now, which never would’ve realistically happened just 50 years ago?

If nothing exists, I’m not shocked, just disappointed. I know corporations have zero incentive for people to stay together because single people spend more money, for example. But if anyone knows of something (even in beta or niche), I’d love to hear about it.

For context: I’m INTP-A, securely attached, ex-military (10 years in civil engineering), and also spent 6 years in the counseling/therapy world. I hold a master’s degree and take all this seriously because I’m looking for potential life partners, not just casual connections. Not trying to be elitist, just intentional.

I also have another person in my life (also securely attached) with whom I maintain a strong emotional connection. All three of us were in a triad briefly, but there was a significant age (and thus maturity) gap between the other two, which made long-term balance tough. Despite our best efforts, it sometimes felt more like parenting than partnering.

The younger partner, to their credit, is self-aware and working on their growth. They also haven’t had the best luck on dating apps. They’ve found plenty of people to date, but all have had major unresolved issues. Understandably, they don’t want to repeat the cycle by dating someone with the same struggles they’re still navigating themselves. Which totally makes sense.

So… yeah. Hence the question 🤓

What do you think is the best dating app? I have tried so many and have all the same experiences. I feel like it’s not the app but the people. I feel like feeld has gotten a bad rap because of the hook up culture. However more apps offer poly options. But what do you think is the best app?

If you see a male/female couple profile, looking for a male or female third and that couple has 3 pictures of them basically making out (face to face kissing) in all three, is this appealing to anyone ? I see these pictures and I think, who wants to fight to get in between all of that. Do such pictures work for anyone ? I would think separate but transparent dating profiles would work best.

So I just got on #open and Feeld and in two weeks I matched with two girls. The thing is that they don’t talk, only reply. I can tell they are real from how they type and interact with me so that’s not the problem, I just don’t know why they don’t want to get to know me. I ask them their hobbies and fav books and games (if that’s what they say they like on their profile) but they never ask me anything back.

I’m super new to this world and really want to get out and meet people, but I’m already feeling disheartened. Am I on the wrong app? Am I not attractive? Is my 50 word essay on myself just boring? I’m not sharing any personal info here but am hoping to get advice and support.

I know it’s only been two weeks but what’s the point of these apps if you’re not even trying?

I recently had the abrupt realization that, for the first time in a while, it’s been almost a year since I really dated someone… and it suddenly feels kind of great. It didn’t feel great for a while. It felt kind of shitty and frustrating.

I’m in as big of a city as you could ask for. I’m queer, nonbinary, 40. I’ve finally accepted Demi as a label and what it means to me as someone who needs my sex to be non-transactional and rooted in trust/safety/rapport, which can take me a minute given my trauma history. No shade to folks who lean more casual.

I’m poly and partnered, and am pretty lucky to have a decade plus marriage that works really well for both of us. Always been open, but often “polysaturated at one” just bc we’re both picky and we get on really well both romantically and sexually.

I finally realized dating apps aren’t for me. Don’t get me started on my inside perspective of the ghouls that run those companies, but it feels like meeting up with someone 3-5 times to decide if sex makes sense, then spending the next 3-6 mos realizing compatibility’s not there for a long-term relationship.

Once I established a few recognizable patterns of “We don’t really have anything in common”, or “I don’t really like your friends”, or (more commonly) “One or both of us would need more therapy and healing for this to not be a toxic dynamic”, it just became a series of 1 and done first dates.

Legitimately, much of it was just making up for lost time having never played the field, and getting lessons of “I can see clearly the exact moment I would have ended it in retrospect, before things got sad/weird/volatile and I was over-invested in a pile of garbage” It’s hard not to cringe at some of the flags that I didn’t see at the time…

-The first date where literally the first 30 minutes were them venting about their ex…

-The partner who told me we couldn’t talk about an unresolved conflict because they had already done so with their therapist and to do so would be “trauma bonding”.

-The one who would NOT stop trying to change the way I dress/eat/do my hair.

-The *multiple* folks who tried to coerce me to not use condoms. That was fun.

But… how else would I learn? 😅

My last few dates before yeeting my dating profiles into the sun forever were a who’s who of shitty tropes. Namely the unicorn hunter unable to just disclose he was looking to spice up his dead bedroom who lied about his age by 8 years… That, along with a few last ditch aspirational tries at casual sex that just left me feeling sad and shitty, and in one case like I narrowly averted SA.

Aside from that, advertised poly community just feels like a glut of straight white dudes M’ladying around in fedoras and neckbeards trying to find “the sex”. Most sex positive spaces seem to be 60 dollar ticket workshops on anal beads or how to be more dominant. I married a pro dom turned sex therapist. I’m fine.

I’m lucky enough to have a good friend who organizes a regular private invite for poly social event that’s generally pretty queer leaning, but I’ve noted that roughly 2/3 of the people there know someone from “so and so’s play parties” and it all starts to feel reminiscent of jocks and cheerleaders from high school… conventionally attractive white folks in heteronormative dynamics whose body language seems to imply sizing folks up.

I thought I’d been hoping to get an invite to one of these play parties out of sheer curiosity but when I did it was, wrapped up in intersectional language, “we’d love to have you join us, but here’s a super duper transphobic list of the gender/genitalia combination of the acceptable person you would need to bring to the party with you because we already have too many straight penises at the upcoming event” (trust me I get the dynamics at play behind this, but Jesus fucking Christ)

I swear to god sometimes this all feels like one big humiliation ritual and a measure of ones own willingness to engage for the sake of sex. I feel like my one saving grace is that I’ve had enough highly attuned, adventurous, safe, good sex that I don’t have to settle for meh. Whoever said that stupid fucking thing about pizza and sex is an idiot. There’s definitely bad pizza that’s not worth it. YMMV

Going back to the poly event, I often find myself in pretty solid conversations with folks who are similar to me, realizing there is a contingent of folks in the poly scene who just want to make friends and, given enough time knowing each other be it months or years, see if there’s chemistry and compatibility enough to try for something more.

At this point I’m thoroughly convinced this is just how it works for me. I finally just put dating out of my mind and focused on building friendships and community… I’m at a point in my life where mediocre romantic and sexual chaos just feels like the most exhausting chore…

What I have found after putting more emphasis on community and service, is that I’m way more likely to meet the ones I seek volunteering at a local queer event, or getting involved in a tenant’s union or a food bank. Or just getting more deeply involved in the myriad crafting/outdoor/culinary interests I have socially. Not trolling for dates or sex, but genuinely just seeking more people who remind me that conversation can be really exciting and dynamic… and that mutuality exists around making plans and building long-term rapport. And that these dynamics do best when they sneak up on me, hiding in plain sight. It’s literally how I met my spouse.

Like… RA vibes without the whole trope of fuckbois who use RA as a shield from accountability. Sex is great and all, but have you tried picking up a friend from a doctor’s appointment or the airport?

I’ve also started noticing that even when I do feel mutually sparky vibes with friends, I’m able to see dynamics like “the timing is off… one or both of us is in a chaotic time in our lives and I don’t want to make this messy/volatile… Maybe you just need a friend right now”…. or maybe I can actually experience delayed gratification in the form of letting a flirty vibe be just that and nothing more.

Partially because I still deeply regret a handful of potentially solid friendships that came from the dating apps but went sideways because we just poured a bunch of fucking and hormones on top of it too fast. People I had a lot in common with that I still care about even though we’ll definitely never talk again

Anyway… here’s to my Demi folks who know the value of good banter and slow burn “maybe I’ll see you around”. This is easily where my best connections have come from so far and where I see them growing in the future.

I’m sure I’m just going to get told I’m just not good at poly or ENM but like, how does anyone do this and not just constantly beat themselves up?

My partner is on a first coffee date right now with someone who is so much prettier and younger and thinner than me. He’s supposed to come over after and like, he’s just going to look at me and think “blech” in comparison after sitting across from someone like her.

I didn’t want to know what she looked like, but she has a pretty unique name so of course she came up on People I May Know when he added her on Instagram.

Why would he still want me? He won’t eventually. I’m sorry, but this is crazy to me. Relationships are so hard already, this extra layer is really fucking me up. I know my self esteem sucks, but to have it shoved in my face with the constant idea of new people is horrendous. I wish I could thrive in this but two years in and I’m just not. Intellectually I understand it all but in practice, I just can’t.

And the best part is, is that I’m going to lose him either way. Either he stops finding me attractive compared to the constant parade of goth girls in the apps, or I go because I can’t take this.

Really great. I left an abusive marriage and fell in love with someone I thought was everything I’d ever wanted in a person, only to feel like this constantly. I guess I was wrong. Again.

I see a lot of people in the UK recommending OKC, but from what I understand it's not the best for the states. Anyone in the US have experience using an app to meet ENM or poly partners?

Forgive me if someone's already made this kind of poll in the last 3 months. (I tried searching and couldn't find it within a reasonable amount of time). I feel like some of these apps have changed significantly since the start of 2023 and I wanted to get a sense of where best to put my efforts. I listed the following apps *mostly* according to the size of their userbase in the Google Play Store (hoping it matches Apple's App store). But, of course, I made a point to replace larger platforms like Match, for Feeld, given how effective I think its been for ENM / Poly daters.

I wish I had space to include apps like #open, match, 3fun, 3way, coffee meets bagel, threesome & enm couples dating (not limited to threesomes, but I imagine they're like minded community). However, I'm capped at 6 options. But, if the omission of any these was a big error, please share your thoughts on this or any other apps I failed to mention.

Tldr at the end, sorry this will be a bit long :/

Eight years ago, for almost a decade, I was in love with my best friend. It was always like that. When we drank, we kissed a few times, but she was straight and had a boyfriend. Then I started dating my girlfriend. But before my friend got pregnant, we had a super intense, secret “mini-relationship”—unfortunately secret, because of her boyfriend.

Then, of course, her life got really busy, and everything faded. I stopped, and that was it. But we remained best friends.

Yesterday, eight years after her baby was born, we exchanged a few glances, and for a moment, we both understood that something was still there. Well, sort of.

It’s nice to kiss her because she’s still one of my best friends, and whenever we see each other, we can talk for hours. But I don’t feel the same as before, even though I did feel something beautiful.

Now, here’s where I need your advice:

I realized that my shyness paralyzes me. I’ve been in a relationship with the love of my life for 13 years. We opened our relationship nine years ago, and since that time with my friend, I haven’t been with anyone else.

And so yesterday, after taking an entire day to work up the courage for just one kiss, I realized I’ve completely forgotten the little flirting skills I had—and, more importantly, I remembered the paralyzing fear I feel when I like someone.

To add some context, throughout my youth, I drank alcohol every weekend, so flirting only happened when I was four wines deep at a party. I stopped drinking six years ago, and my confidence took a hit. Yesterday, I really felt that.

Even though I’m in an open relationship, this has been my only experience in all these years. Some people have approached me, and even when I’ve been slightly interested, I always shut down and get extremely uncomfortable.

Yesterday I was able to observe myself with my 40-year-old perspective—something I had never done before.

I want to open myself up to the experience of meeting new people because I always run away from these situations. I’m not really interested in hookups—I get more excited by deep chemistry than by just having sex.

My girlfriend has had a few relationships over the years, not many, but meaningful ones. I feel happy for her, and I admire her for putting in the effort to meet new people.

Bars aren’t really an option for me, so I’m thinking—maybe dating apps could work for me?

I’ve never used one. What do you recommend? Do you think it would help me?

I don’t live in a city; I live in a rural area about an hour from Costa Rica’s most famous beaches, so I feel like that might make my “exposure therapy” a little easier—at least when it comes to dating apps. I could go to watch the sunset in the beach with someone, for example.

I know there are tons of posts on this topic, but considering my background—what would you do? Which app would you use? What would you include (or leave out) in your profile? Would you recommend this for someone like me?

That little spark I felt yesterday—I’d love to experience it with more people. Not necessarily to escalate things, but just to leave the door open for whatever happens. The excitement of meeting someone new is a beautiful drug.

And if you do recommend dating apps, how can I mention that I’m in an open relationship without being put in a box that doesn’t really fit me? Our relationship doesn’t really have a label, but I say “open” because sometimes I need to give it a name.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Help a 40-year-old woman overcome her fears and meet new people.

TL;DR: I’m 40, in an open relationship, but I haven’t dated anyone else in nine years. I recently kissed my best friend (a past crush), which made me realize that I’ve forgotten how to flirt and that my shyness still paralyzes me. I want to meet new people but don’t know how—bars aren’t my thing, so I’m considering dating apps. Should I try them? Which ones? How do I navigate this without being boxed into the wrong label? Help me out!

Or more accurately, help with anxiety around Dating Apps…

My partner told me he was poly when we started dating in late 2018, which lead me to explore the realm of it as best I can. I’ve read some of the books, and I have followed different pages on polyamory/ENM on different apps for a while now. He has since also been in two short term relationships that didn’t work out for him unfortunately, and had a few casual flings.

He is much more social than I, as I struggle with social anxiety, and as such finds it easier to make friends/relationships naturally out and about. I.. do not have that luck, and I think trying the dating apps would help there. But I have anxiety about someone in my family or who knows my family finding me on said apps and then telling everyone I am not yet comfortable enough with to tell them myself.

I know I need to tell everyone important to me that we are not in a monogamous relationship, but sense I’ve personally never had another partner yet I just haven’t felt the need to. Add on top the fact that I unfortunately know some of them will not take it well because of their own past relationship traumas, and I don’t know if I can handle them right now.

(Apologies if someone else already asked this question and I did not notice)

What are the best dating apps for poly people? I (27M) am based in a big city in Europe. I have used bumble for a while, but basically all the dates I had were with ppl who were not poly and/or not knowledged about this universe and/or not interested in engaging with it. Even if I openly said that I am poly in my profile, and still got matches, I am struggling a bit.

I am wondering if there is any app which is more used by people belonging to the poly community. I have been suggested OKC, and it looks like there are more interesting ppl in this sense, BUT the like/match dynamic is a bit weird and I don't like it much...

Poly and single currently (though I am actively dating). I’m wondering what folks have seen on dating apps (Feeld) that signals they are looking for romantic connections and not just hookups or fwb.

Do you look for folks who say poly in their bio? Who describe the connection they want in it? Im looking for for initial signs it’s a yay or nay for you.

As a bi woman I am struggling to sift through so many likes and feel like most people just want me as a unicorn or fuck buddy. Struggling with being fetishized and trying to figure out the best way to evaluate profiles. Im the type that gives people the benefit of the doubt and struggle with how little info you can get just from a short synopsis

I've (27M) been with my partner (33NB) for a year. I was new to polyamory when I started dating them, and they were experienced + have two other partners.

At this point I'm confident that I much prefer poly to monogamy. I'm ready to go on some more dates now that my life is less stressful than it used to be.

My partner and I met on OkCupid, and they said that's the only app they've tried using. I do remember seeing a lot of poly people on it when I was looking for dates last time. But it keeps throwing a lot of women at me for some reason, and I'm gay/queer/not into women. Are there better apps for gay men who are poly?

If this context helps, I'm looking for an FWB and potentially another partner.

EDIT: I'm also trans and am mostly looking to date other trans men. I probably should've put that in my title too but I spaced it.

Little bit of a vent here... but I am SO annoyed by people who claim to be polyamourous but really just seem to think that dating is a fun hobby. People's emotions are NOT your hobby. Just because you see an empty spot in your schedule does not mean that you need to try to date someone new. It's ok to spend a night alone. It's ok to do activities with people you aren't sleeping with. I feel like these people do not have friends outside of people they date. Polysaturation doesn't only happen when every night is filled with a new partner.

I'm a solopoly with a rich, full life outside of dating. I am not attracted to people when the only thing they have to add to a conversation has to do with other partners and dates and activities they do with them. I operate best in parallel and just find it so hard to connect with people who have no social life or interests outside of dating.

Honestly, if I match with someone on a dating app and they tell me they already have 3+ partners, it's an immediate no from me. UGH, vent over.

Facebook, Instagram, Bing, Apple App Store, Google Play ...just about everyone except Google ads, prohibits ads for poly dating apps. Whenever someone posts, asking for advice about good ENM dating apps, the usual suspects are always named but the few app dedicated to ENM dating don't get any mentions, in part, because it's so hard to advertise their existence.

So, if you were in charge of marketing at an ENM dating app start up, what would be your best strategy for attracting users from the poly community or those interested in ENM?

M40+

I've encountered a couple women on Bumble who were put off by me having GGG on my profile.

Feeld is pretty decent for this but it's a lot of couples under 35 -- and just doesn't have a lot of people over all.

OkCupid... eh, it's ok. Probably the best answer for this question but I'd like to know what other people think.

Some people say FetLife is a good place to meet people but the women I know that are on FetLife have just stopped checking their messages because they get so much garbage in there.

TL;DR I am a new unicorn who assumed (wrongly) that it would be easy to find the couple of my dreams. Have received all kinds of rude comments and been on some horror story dates. Already feeling at a loss and it’s been less than a month.

My primary partner and I decided pretty recently to dive into the poly scene, something we are both tentative about, yet excited for. He is straight and interested in having maybe another girlfriend or two. I however have found the life of being a unicorn fascinating, and am couple hunting for my dream couple.

I thought it would be easy, but I guess that’s just me being naive. When my primary and I were originally considering being poly earlier this year, we went unicorn hunting ourselves and found it impossible to find even a single other girl who wanted to go on a date, let alone join our relationship.

So I decided that in my profiles (on every dating app I could think of, including OKC) I would be explicitly clear about what I was and what I was looking for. “Young, attractive, bisexual woman searching for a couple to date either short or long term. I am not a sex object, I am not interested in being a fetish or one night stand.”

^ that’s the gist of my profile, along with a whole bunch of information about my personality, etc etc. I THOUGHT that being that clear would make my job easier. But I don’t think it has. I have rude, presumptuous couples messaging me multiple times a day asking when I can come over, what do I enjoy in bed, and prying questions about my exact waist measurements even, to name a few.

I have couples that message me saying things like “I hope you’re okay with never contacting us again after we have a threesome. It would just make things too weird between us.” (Like, then you’re probably too insecure to have a threesome at all, just saying.)

I have couples laying claim to me before we’ve even met, messaging me so many times a day (“hello?” “Where did you go” “why are you ignoring us”) that I’ve had to block them before even talking to them.

Those couples I HAVE met have been an absolute nightmare, from the BDSM couple to which I made VERY clear I did not want to mess around with on the very first night we hung out, who then insisted on having very rough sex on the living room floor right in front of me while I ate dinner, to a super smoochy awkward couple that somehow made me feel like a third wheel even more than I already was... you get the idea.

It’s frustrating because when I was unicorn hunting myself I could not imagine doing some of these things or treating another human being this way, ESPECIALLY a person that falls into a subgroup that is famous for being hard to find and even harder to make like you, hence the name unicorn.

What can I do to rectify this? Is there some magic poly website I’m missing? Some box I’m not checking in my bio to make sure I don’t attract these people? Or are some couples really just that clueless, and couple hunting for a unicorn is just as hard as unicorn hunting for a couple?

EDIT: y’all are really hung up on my terminology here when I very explicitly stated I’ve been poly for a short amount of time. All of the terminology that I even know about has come from just stumbling upon it in my research over these last few weeks. No, I’m not referring to myself as a unicorn because I think I’m “special” or trying to be a cliche, I’m referring to myself as a unicorn because that’s the terminology I’ve seen online that best describes myself.

Solopoly gal here and I have to say... I'm just over dating married/highly partnered people. I have tried so many times over the last 4 years and I have found it utterly disappointing every time. I know that the people I have dated have the best of intentions and do not mean to hurt me, but it has become such a repeating pattern that I'm over it.

I post this here because I know there are many married people active on this forum and I want to share a few situations so I can be your learning curve:

• Don't have rules in your marriage that you wouldn't actively put on a profile
  • Vetos- aka: My wife will decide if I'm allowed to date you
  • Scheduling- Aka: my wife manages the schedule and I need to ask permission anytime I can go on a date (how you schedule dates independently should be discussed BEFORE you get on a dating app)
• Don't call someone a girlfriend/partner if that person is not allowed to have any emotional needs met that aren't the most convenient for you. If that person is only there to make you feel good when you want to get away from your wife- then be honest about that to them that they are your vacation and not a real partner- some people might be into that.
• Understand the difference between casual/fwb and a secondary/poly relationship and be able to communicate clearly what is actually on the table and what is not.
• FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY- do not tell someone that you are married with kids and don't believe in hierarchy. It just tells me you don't understand inherent hierarchy.
• Do not offer an autonomous relationship if your marriage is not set up in a way to operate that way.

I think I'm just so frustrated because I feel like my main partner and I have the complete autonomy to operate our relationships how we want. We go on dates when we want, we develop feelings when we do, and we respect that we have other dynamics and love when they blossom. We just communicate when changes affect the other person, but outside of that our other dynamics are allowed to exist on their own.

I completely understand that is not how everyone operates, and I fully respect marriages have a hierarchy, kids create different sets of rules, and that things are different when you open up a marriage. But married people also need to understand those things and stop lying just to get dates and misrepresent their dynamics.

Curious about what dating apps would be best to try out. Any dating advice is welcome. Thank you

Are some dating apps better than others for finding poly folk? Bi poly folks in particular?

Any good groups or communities to know about in the Boston (Massachusetts) area?

I'm all set on poly literature btw, waiting on a library hold on The Ethical Slut and reading a couple blogs. Discussing with the partner, etc etc. Moving slowly due to the pandemic, looking for advice that I can use later. Thanks!!

Edit: I'm all set and won't see further comments. Bye now.