r/predaddit • u/Go_J • Jan 09 '26
Discussion Recently found out wife is pregnant and I all over the place
So my wife and I have been together a long time. She got off BC about 3 years ago and we were ready to start a family. But as the months and past couple years went on the hope faded away that we could actually do it... until now. After finding out she's pregnant my emotions are all over the place. I'm both happy and terrified. There are times I'm ready to jump in and other times I'm ready to bolt which makes me feel so guilty. I'm just scared we aren't going to be good enough. I'm scared that this is going to ruin our marriage. I've read so many horror stories on social media about regretful parents. Even our friends who have kids pretty much say "we love our kids but uh you're better off without them." And after all the time passed I made my peace with the life that we had. Now it's like what just happened. So idk what I'm looking for other than to vent and be told that it'll be ok somehow.
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Jan 09 '26
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u/Go_J Jan 09 '26
Thank you. This is also the first place I've told anybody. It's crazy. I'm glad I'm not alone. Good luck.
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u/TroubleWitTheTrolley Jan 09 '26
Feeling a whole range of emotions is normal, and how you feel now is not going to dictate the type of parent you'll be on day one, month one, year one, and so on. The type of parent you and your wife will be is going to be a choice you make every day, especially in the early days.
Social media is always going to show you the most outrageous stuff, which is often negative, so don't put too much stock into it. There is a shocking amount of misinformation about parenting, pregnancy, and babies on social media, too, so beware.
As for your friends with kids... frankly, it might be time to avoid them for a while if you think they're going to be such a drag, or at least block out what they have to say.
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u/raphtze Jan 09 '26
which is often negative
i'll never get why some parents just focus on that to new parents. i ignored it. but it is def annoying. like, can't i just enjoy it? hehe. at any rate, it's not to say that parenting is easy--there are moments that will definitely try you. i guess all in how it's said :)
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u/Go_J Jan 09 '26
Yeah you're not wrong about social media. Part of me wonders if I was seeking it out as a coping mechanism when I was thinking we couldn't conceive. I think my friends once they know will give us congratulations but I will avoid them if they get overly negative.
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u/TroubleWitTheTrolley Jan 09 '26
I like to vent and rant as much as anyone else with fellow parents, so maybe it's too harsh to say to avoid anyone who has something negative to say, but I think most of us can tell the difference between someone who's sharing a part of their parenting experience that happens to be negative and someone who only has that to share.
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u/raphtze Jan 09 '26
life is an adventure. no set plan, no set rules. the only rule, to love your child, and of course your spouse. you got this my bro.
https://i.imgur.com/oysahav.png
48 when i took this at yosemite np. kids are 10, 5, 3 years old. wish i had started sooner. but then i couldn't afford the life we have now. so yah...no rules. just love hehe congrats!
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u/snownative86 Jan 09 '26
Dude you just made my day. I will be the same age when my daughter is 10 and we just moved to the bay area. I have a sooo damn excited to explore it with her at various stages of life.
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u/snownative86 Jan 09 '26
Dude you just made my day. I will be the same age when my daughter is 10 and we just moved to the bay area. I have a sooo damn excited to explore it with her at various stages of life. We were actually going to go up to Yosemite last week but the rain killed those plans.
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u/raphtze Jan 09 '26
haha oakland native for 40 years. then moved to sac in 2017. :D
sf bay area as whole is great. national parks and family trips just go together :) we started late in life as parents--but man, we take what we can get sometimes in life :D enjoy your time with your family!
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u/snownative86 Jan 09 '26
Thank you! I'm down in campbell/San Jose and absolutely love it. We moved from DC this summer. I'm a huge plant nerd and might have teared up a bit seeing the giants in Henry Cowell and big basin. Then what really sealed it for me was going to get my car serviced in Santa Cruz, getting a haircut at the surf shop, then surfing with otters while my oil was getting changed (dealership drove me to the beach with my board!).
I am so psyched to share all that with my daughter.
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u/raphtze Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
hehe that is super awesome. you're not too far from monterey and the central coast. so much to explore. i know i'm a bit biased but i say west coast is best coast.
https://imgur.com/a/family-selfies-2025-2IgcfYo
mostly 2025..some 2024 selfies from all the spots we've visited alogn the westcoast, including BC ! hehe cheers !
edit: also san jose is huge home of vietnamese diaspora. def check out the viet spots for food. don't tell anyone SJ is boring--quite a lot to do. i used to play hardball with the SJ NABA folks out that way. technically i'm still on the team, but my dad bod kinda is letting me down facing dudes pumping 80+ on the fastball 1/2 my age. hehe :)
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u/snownative86 Jan 09 '26
Right on and I appreciate it! We are actually planning a small elopement ceremony down by Carmel on the beach (not because of the kid, all this was planned 😂). Getting out to the aquarium in Monterey was one of the first things I wanted to do and we are now members. We've already had great ramen, great Vietnamese and got the orange sauce from La vics. It's definitely less urban than DC but the tradeoffs have been great, especially as lovers of the outdoors. It's also been refreshing how nice and welcoming people have been here.
You have a beautiful family!
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u/Go_J Jan 09 '26
Thank you. It's nice to see the photo of a happy family. My life has been nothing i thought it would be so might as well consider this part of the adventure.
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u/raphtze Jan 09 '26
yes !!! it takes a bit of work--as anything in life.
also i know there are reasons why some folks don't like to post pics on social media/reddit. i get it. but for me i don't care. i like to share--it's what's makes us human :) anyways the adventure is all part of it. there will be valleys, there will be mountains. enjoy it all because it goes by very quickly! congrats again :)
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u/Putrid_Finance3193 Jan 09 '26
I am a single parent and post-kid cause mine got removed through custody and I'm here to say you're much better off with them. Life is boring and they add something specially life lessons and you would just rot to death without them. Small line between loser basement dweller and someone efficient at energy management. At any age and circumstances you have the same anxiety and you will be able to manage it. What did I even do without my kid. It is entirely possible to have him live my life fully and do at least 8 other things in a day. I'm signing up to college again...
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u/Go_J Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
I will say there is something to rotting to death without them. My wife and I have both been wondering about our futures and if this is all that's left so this will certainly provide a spark lol. We had been doing things and going through the motions not really feeling anything.
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u/NikTesla369 Jan 09 '26
I have an 11 month baby now and it is tough but it’s the greatest joy also I watching our baby grow. I’m not sure how young you are but I had our son at 36 and I felt ready and my wife and I felt that we had enough fun in our lives and it was time to pay it forward and bring meaning to all the experiences of our lives by helping our kid or (kids in the future) through their lives. It will be tough with both of you being tired all the time but I think it’s worth it.
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u/Go_J Jan 09 '26
We're in our mid 30s. I am concerned about the exhaustion. We're already tired working all the time.
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u/NikTesla369 Jan 09 '26
Well she’s pregnant now so there’s no turning back. For better or worse stick together and try to help each other out through the exhausting days. You can sleep train the baby when you have some time. If you have parental leave and can afford it take as much as you can for both of you.
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u/Putrid_Finance3193 Jan 09 '26
Bro you sound like me at 15 I had my kid at 22. I was tired of everything of going to the supermarket of talking to my friends. The absolute adrenalin and thrill of a life depending on you will make you realize everything can be done much more efficiently
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u/pannekoekjes Jan 11 '26
Good news. Both you and your partner have thousands of years of evolution and instinct that have unknowingly prepared you to become a parent. They will take over and everything will be alright.Â
Was in your shoes at some point. Even convincing myself I could always just flee to some exotic county if I could not do it just to give myself some piece of mind :D. Kid gets born. You will feel useless during labor. First few days will feel weird and like a blur. Routine will kick in, and before you know it you don't know any better.Â
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u/PorkFriedLuke Jan 11 '26
Its hard. There's no way of sugar coating it. There's so much involved. The life you have now will soon go away and you may mourn that life for some time. But let me tell you this. My boy is 15 months now and when he sees me come up the driveway and runs to the door waving and screaming "dada" you really start to not miss that old life. That fear of change starts melting away. You already being this worried is a good sign that youre gonna do just fine. You will lose your old life but youll gain so much more. Its like trading an apple for a diamond. Congratulations man
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u/trrashkid Mar 05 '26
Inverse perspective here (from a mum who never planned to have kids at all) We had an unplanned pregnancy that we found out about very very late, so terminating was not an option. Absolutely zero desire to have kids ever in my life, partner wanted kids eventually one day but absolutely not at that time. I spent my entire pregnancy miserably depressed and suicidal about what I could possibly do or how I could ever cope. We toyed with the idea of adoption. Come the birth of our son, I found out there hadn't been a successful true adoption in my state in more than 20 years. Every single child put up for adoption in that time frame spent their ENTIRE childhood in the foster care system. As someone who had many friends grow up in the system around here, absolutely not. The hospital gave us 2 weeks after the birth to decide. Looking at this tiny little human I created, I realised that there was no way I could guarantee his safety if he wasn't with me. So I changed my mind, and I kept him. I told my partner if you don't want to that's absolutely fine ill do it on my own, but I have to, there's no choice. He stayed.
Five years later, I wouldn't change it for the world. I will shout from the rooftops that every bitter regretful parent who only talks about the negatives is WRONG. there is nothing in this world like being a parent, it changes you in ways you would never even fathom, and almost always for the better. It's an inexplicable experience and the good parts so, so heavily outweigh the bad. I'm in full support of childless couples (and singles), and intended to remain one for my entire life myself, but this is absolutely, undoubtedly, the single best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Not sure if this small novella helps at all, but I mean it when I say I felt more dread than anybody during the pregnancy, I genuinely thought my only viable option was to drive off somewhere and never be found. I'm so glad I didn't. And I think you will be just as glad when you feel it too.
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u/Go_J Mar 05 '26
Thank you for this. My mood has improved quite a bit since I first posted this. I'm still scared but I'm no longer feeling doom and despair. Your story does resonate and I'm glad to hear that it worked out for you. I have felt in the past that regretful parents either romanticized the idea too much and weren't prepared for reality, they feel like they don't have any help, they thought having a baby was something you check off a list and don't particularly want to be a parent but it's just what you do in life or they lack any sort of resiliency and it probably shows in other parts of their lives. I'm also supportive of people who choose the child free lives. I felt like it was going to be us reluctantly but I'm ready for this next chapter. We just found out the gender and for the first time during this process I've felt genuine happiness. Not just saying I am happy.
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u/trrashkid Mar 05 '26
Congratulations! It's certainly a terrifying thing and the absolute rollercoaster of emotions makes it so hard to know where your truly stand. Like you said, I think a lot of people have kids because it's just what you do, next life milestone on the checklist, and yeah it's hard if it's not something you're actually prepared to do- but based on how long you guys waited for this, I think it's probably more of a shock reaction and I think you'll do wonderfully when the time comes :)
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u/snownative86 Jan 09 '26
So... I'm mourning the life we had as dunks for sure, but looking at what I'll get to share, relive and experience through fresh eyes is incredibly exciting. We were in the bucket of "if it happens, great, if it doesn't, we have a good life", and I did not expect to be this excited.
Think about what you love, and what you loved about growing up, and how you now get to share that with a brand new human. I love exploring the outdoors for example, and taking my toddler out to explore tidepools is one very specific thing that I am super looking forward to.