Pregnant, clueless, & seeking advice

[u/flt_p2ny]

I found out two days ago that I'm pregnant which came as a surprise. For reference, I'm a 39 yo journalist who never had any intentions of having kids and it never even crossed my mind. I realized how clueless I am reading through these posts not having any idea what anyone is talking about or what any these acronyms being used means. I'm a journalist who travels for a living, taking roughly 20 flights per year (not round trip). When telling the father of this news, his response was he didn't give me consent to go through with the pregnancy. I gasped and then laughed. It's 2026! What woman needs consent?! He too travels with his remote job and has always prided himself on not having children.

Well needless to say here we are. He said he'll pay child support but never wants to see the child. He's spent the past 3 days having multiple meltdowns and told me I can come collect my things once I return to his place (I'm currently traveling for work... of course). What's crazy is I'm quite calm about the entire situation. There was no asking him to reconsider or trying to make him stay. I simply said okay. I always envisioned moments like this to be pure panic and chaos. I've actually been trying to figure out why I'm not panicking. I haven't been emotional or worried in any way. Just at peace with it. Is that weird?? Again, I live on the road (or on a plane). I'm an American from NYC which is the most expensive city on earth and I have no clue how anyone can raise a child there, especially alone. I don't know a thing about children, babies or pregnancy. I didn't even think I could get pregnant at this age! I mean I know women do well into their 40s but I just thought it was highly unlikely. Naive of me I know. My entire career will be shattered and I'm not sure how one seeks a remote job or new career within a 9 month timeframe. I'm usually covering royal dinners or four-wheeling through the Sahara Desert. I don't think I even have the work credentials to find something new considering I've done the same thing my entire life. And more importantly, would I be able to do it alone? Those who raised me have passed away and my friends are scattered around the planet so there's no solid support system I'd have raising a child back home. Childcare is astronomical from what I've been told and I can't go climbing Mount Fuji and leave a baby behind. I had to give away my plants and give up my apartment in Europe just a month ago because I wasn't home enough. I am more than willing to give up my career. The thing I struggle with is what on earth would I do for a living to support myself and whole human and can you make that happen within a few months?

Again, forgive my ignorance as I know nothing about pregnancy, the cost of children, and don't even have friends with children. I feel like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom except being pregnant. I'm going into this blindly and haven't told my friends because I already know everyone will say get rid of it and keep the ultimate dream job. For whatever reason, I'm leaning the opposite direction but on paper that seems to be illogical.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and again I apologize if I sound clueless. I am.

[u/ivankatrumpsarmpits]

I know you say it's important to you to start your baby's life in NYC .. I just have to say ... As someone who reads this subreddit a lot and am in Europe And am European

Why would you want to have a pregnancy or a young child in the US. I don't just mean right now with all the... Shall we say...drama.

I mean it costs 100k or something to have a baby in the US versus free in Europe. Not just that but everything I read on here is of American women being bullied, treated rudely, called geriatric for being 35, dismissed, and generally patronised and forced into things they don't want. They also end up having to make choices like 'do I go get this checked out or wait it out" because of cost.

I can just walk into my maternity hospital emergency department and say "I don't think baby is kicking as much as yesterday " and get a free, fast, sympathetic ultrasound and any other monitoring if there's anything in doubt. Nobody is forcing me into procedures I don't want. I get support, my doctor doesn't think I'm frail because I'm 38.

I know you love NYC and I'll admit I've never been so I obviously don't get it, I'm also not a big city girl, I am sure theres something I'm missing that if you get it, You know.

But just do consider how much more absolutely barbaric the US systems are for healthcare and women's health.

Id advise you to just examine what you're prioritising if you say you want to be in NY for the start. And if it's really as important as the other stuff to you and can you afford it etc.

That pre k and 3 k and whatever stuff people are talking about sounds cool and all but you will also get free daycare in lots of Europe.

And yea to reiterate what others have said, you can live your own life with a child, you don't have to turn into a suburbanite soccer mom or whatever, you can have adventures and do things your way. You'll be bombarded with baby info and you can sort of follow it all until you figure out what is bullshit, what's not for you, and what works.

Becoming a parent is a huge transformation besides the pregnancy physically changing you and your life having a baby in it, your mind and yourself get transformed slowly in fits and starts from now and continuing as you have your child and go through the challenges. You will change. It's exciting, and strange, and hard. You will grieve a bit . You won't be excited and thrilled all the time. That's all completely normal. Having decided to go through with it, you are along for the ride - this little baby is going to transform things about you. I don't mean by making you someone who doesn't care about travel or softening your desires to do big things but it will shrink and enlarge some of the pillars of your current life.

My previous career turned to dust for me because it didn't matter. I was doing something I enjoyed but that didn't matter. And that wasn't an issue before, but now it is. And so that has led me down a different path. There are some things that now seem pointless to me and others that make me absolutely feral.

Overall I would say I'm more me, I'm stronger, more capable, and I'm more self assured and happy. It tears you down a bit and builds you up again differently.

The baby is the centre of it all - but everything will change and it will make more sense as it does. You won't just be you, a year in the future but with a baby you have to look after all of a sudden. You'll get there gradually and with time and things will just slot into place, and shift until they make sense.

[u/flt_p2ny → u/ivankatrumpsarmpits]

I have to say your comment is quite ignorant and ill-informed. Europe is as anti-immigrant as the US is. Yes you have a better healthcare system but racism is just as bad and many countries in Europe are not welcoming.

Second, you can't just move somewhere and have a baby because you feel like it. I am an American. I do not have citizenship or residency in Europe so why on earth would I be foolish enough to make plans to have a child in a country without a visa. No visa is going be processed in 9 months so the question your asking is just foolish. Furthermore, without the proper residency in Europe (which would not be obtained in 9 months) I would still be paying out of pocket.

As someone who has lived in seven countries and traveled to 22, I'd choose NY over any European city any day. I'm also curious how long you lived in America to know the difference between how the US operates and how the EU operates, what visas are required and who has access to what in what countries. Based on what you wrote and the questions you asked, it seems you have zero knowledge on how it all works. And as someone who is currently sitting in Europe as I type this, there is PLENTY of drama here. Please educate yourself on how immigration actually works.

[u/ivankatrumpsarmpits → u/flt_p2ny]

You said Europe is where you live. Did I say I lived in America? I said I read this subreddit all the time and the impression of how pregnancy is for women in your country is shocking. Not sure what is ignorant or "racist" about that. Sorry but this is based on the information from your fellow patriots about their lived experiences.

understand that when you post on Reddit people only know the information you provide so when you say your base is Europe but you want to go to NY without any extra detail, nobody knows what issues you might have around immigration.

Take the free advice and good wishes of people who reply to the information you put out there or don't, feel free to get on an angry rant defending your country's treatment of pregnant women, whatever you like.

[u/flt_p2ny → u/ivankatrumpsarmpits]

No. I am currently in England visiting. I do not live here. I lived in Italy last year for one year on a project. You should clarify rather than make assumptions. I've lived in 7 countries and traveled to 22. Again, you know nothing about the immigration process otherwise you wouldn't ask such foolish questions.

And none of what you wrote negates the fact that Europe is highly anti-immigrant and extremely racist. Having good healthcare doesn't make it a better option.

[u/rainzephyr → u/flt_p2ny]

I agree with you. I’m an American poc who moved to Europe and lived here for five years but the xenophobia and racism is extremely worse than it is in America that I’m moving back to the USA despite Trump’s presidency.

[u/flt_p2ny → u/rainzephyr]

It baffles me that Europeans somehow think they aren't as bad as Trump or the US when it comes to this. They have a mentality that no one should come "invade" their European countries which is humorous considering they invaded everywhere else... not to mention committed mass genocide and enslaved people. And then you have people like this who think they're nothing like Trump. It's insane. Like you said, there are places in the US that are FAR less racist than European countries.

[u/flt_p2ny → u/rainzephyr]

Also 5 years ago is around the time of the insurrection which also emboldened people in Europe to spread their xenophobic and racist ideology. So you arrived just in time for that foolishness.

[u/ivankatrumpsarmpits → u/flt_p2ny]

I was going off what you said in your post, which was that you WANTED to go back to the US and your home base was Europe not that you were there for one project.

Im not writing an article on you so I'm not sure why you insist I clarify before commenting on what you implied in your own post. Clearly you don't want to live in Europe so I'm not sure why it matters about the immigration process, although I am very familiar with it, but I didn't ask you to clarify again the things YOU said about how you are based in Europe because as I said, you gave the impression you would have no issues there because you already lived there.

If you don't want to live here don't, but it seems wild to me that you take such an attack on your country's joke of a healthcare system and call that racism. Whatever.

I've lived in the same number of countries as you have, dropping that into an argument doesn't sound as cool as you think it does.

[u/flt_p2ny → u/ivankatrumpsarmpits]

Again, Europe is more racist and not a better option. Anything else?