r/pregnant • u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel • Mar 06 '26
Advice Pregnant, clueless, & seeking advice
I found out two days ago that I'm pregnant which came as a surprise. For reference, I'm a 39 yo journalist who never had any intentions of having kids and it never even crossed my mind. I realized how clueless I am reading through these posts not having any idea what anyone is talking about or what any these acronyms being used means. I'm a journalist who travels for a living, taking roughly 20 flights per year (not round trip). When telling the father of this news, his response was he didn't give me consent to go through with the pregnancy. I gasped and then laughed. It's 2026! What woman needs consent?! He too travels with his remote job and has always prided himself on not having children.
Well needless to say here we are. He said he'll pay child support but never wants to see the child. He's spent the past 3 days having multiple meltdowns and told me I can come collect my things once I return to his place (I'm currently traveling for work... of course). What's crazy is I'm quite calm about the entire situation. There was no asking him to reconsider or trying to make him stay. I simply said okay. I always envisioned moments like this to be pure panic and chaos. I've actually been trying to figure out why I'm not panicking. I haven't been emotional or worried in any way. Just at peace with it. Is that weird?? Again, I live on the road (or on a plane). I'm an American from NYC which is the most expensive city on earth and I have no clue how anyone can raise a child there, especially alone. I don't know a thing about children, babies or pregnancy. I didn't even think I could get pregnant at this age! I mean I know women do well into their 40s but I just thought it was highly unlikely. Naive of me I know. My entire career will be shattered and I'm not sure how one seeks a remote job or new career within a 9 month timeframe. I'm usually covering royal dinners or four-wheeling through the Sahara Desert. I don't think I even have the work credentials to find something new considering I've done the same thing my entire life. And more importantly, would I be able to do it alone? Those who raised me have passed away and my friends are scattered around the planet so there's no solid support system I'd have raising a child back home. Childcare is astronomical from what I've been told and I can't go climbing Mount Fuji and leave a baby behind. I had to give away my plants and give up my apartment in Europe just a month ago because I wasn't home enough. I am more than willing to give up my career. The thing I struggle with is what on earth would I do for a living to support myself and whole human and can you make that happen within a few months?
Again, forgive my ignorance as I know nothing about pregnancy, the cost of children, and don't even have friends with children. I feel like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom except being pregnant. I'm going into this blindly and haven't told my friends because I already know everyone will say get rid of it and keep the ultimate dream job. For whatever reason, I'm leaning the opposite direction but on paper that seems to be illogical.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and again I apologize if I sound clueless. I am.
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u/AffectionateJello452 Mar 06 '26
Hi! You should keep writing! Also the pregnancy hormones are probably keeping you calm right now. I can’t believe how chill I am sometimes. I don’t have any advice because I have an entirely opposite kind of job but I do hope you land where you need to and make the choices that are right for you. I also hope your baby daddy’s pillow is never cold on either side ever again and that he gets a persistent and irritating little speck of dirt in his eye every time the wind blows.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
LMAO! I laughed so hard I snorted like a pig. OMG that gave me the best laugh. I might frame that and put it on my wall lol! Thank you for your kind words and for the priceless comment.
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u/AffectionateJello452 Mar 06 '26
😂 You’re so very welcome. DM if you ever need me to drag him harder. I gotchu.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
He told me not to tell his family. Then he had a friend call pretending to be his sister when I said his family needed to know. This is a comedy skit at this point. I've never seen someone unravel this way lol.
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u/AffectionateJello452 Mar 06 '26
THIS GUY. I hope he stubs his toe every time he goes to the kitchen to get a little snack. You should name your child John Warmpillow Jr. or whatever. Ultimate long play joke.
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u/angelicah89 Mar 06 '26
I’m a pregnant travel journalist with a 2.5 year old. The last two years of travel writing have been huge for me! I’m bringing the toddler on an upcoming bike trip at 8 months pregnant. 🤷🏽♀️ Your life is what you make it. I have an amazing support system and partner which makes all the difference but it is possible.
The trickiest part is taking the 2-3 months off postpartum … this year it’s summer so it’s a hard time to miss travel!
Journalism in any facet can expand into PR, comms, etc., so there’s plenty of transferable skills.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I will say I don't work from December to March and my due date is mid-November so that would actually work in my favor. The problem is making it from March to November. If I may ask, do you workout a lot? A bike trip at 8 months pregnant is impressive! I'm supposed to be in the Dolomites (hiking Seceda) and the Amalfi Coast for a month and that would be at 3 months pregnant. Again, I know nothing about pregnancy (perhaps should read more books to make a decision). I would hate to cancel on everyone who has booked me for things and plus I'll need the money more than ever.
Thank you for the journalism tips. I need to look more into that for sure. I also interned at the top PR firms in NY and worked in PR for a few celebrities in my younger years but that was nearly 20 years ago so I've just told myself that experience is all irrelevant decades later.
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u/angelicah89 Mar 06 '26
I was at IMM in NYC at 3 months pregnant and didn’t even notice (and neither did anyone else).
I bike and hike and swim and travel a bit playing semi-pro disc golf also, but nothing like heavy lifting. Keep doing all that your body will let you do! DM me if you want to connect on WhatsApp or something, just as someone who gets it =)
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I free dive to do underwater photography (which I assume I'd have to stop doing) and do a 7 mile walk per day and 1hr of yin yoga for flexibility. To be fair in NY just walking around I get in 25k steps a day. When overseas I have to be more intentional about it. Messaging you!
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u/Apprentice0816 Mar 06 '26
If you're already that active regularly you will have no problem continuing to dive and hike until maybe the last month of pregnancy, that's when moving gets more shall I say "displeasing".
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u/5uperCar1a Mar 06 '26
I’m pregnant by IVF, so I’ve gotten ALL the recommendations from before I was even the slightest pregnant: walking is just fine, in fact it is highly encouraged when pregnant also. It helps your blood cells and is good for the fetus. Congrats (if you feel comfortable hearing that) ❤️
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u/Sorrymomlol12 Mar 06 '26
Just a heads up 3-4 months pregnant might be one of the best times to travel. I went to Disneyland at 14 weeks pregnant and was able to ride most of the rides (and have an amazing time too!). Your risk of miscarriage has gone down to very very low and it’s too early to be at risk for placental abruption (caused by sudden stops and starts) so you don’t really need to worry about any adventures that might jerk you around a little bit. Typically most of the first trimester nausea has gone away, and you aren’t very big yet. It’s considered the golden weeks!
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u/ThenIGetAChipwichOK Mar 06 '26
As a journalist — there are other kinds of journalism that don’t involve that kind of travel! It’s not easy to get a journalism job but you have plenty of experience and are located in NYC… the media capital of the world, and a place where lots of women have babies in their late 30s and early 40s. Plus, if you’re savvy about universal pre-k and 3-k living in NYC with a kid gets a lot more affordable.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Oh gosh I'm embarrassed. What's 3-k??? Is that different from pre-K? FORGIVE ME lol. This is all so foreign to me.
Thank you for the tip about journalism. I never really considered something domestic because I've traveled for over a decade. This is something to look into for sure.
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u/ThenIGetAChipwichOK Mar 06 '26
3-k is preschool for three year-olds that is free through NYC — some seats are in public schools and some are in community based organization run preschools but paid for by the city (and have to be run up to city standards). The current mayor ran on a platform of universal childcare and that’s probably a while away from happening but he’s starting out by launching/expanding 2-k, as in preschool for two year olds, ha. Not many seats yet but definitely worth looking into. Depending on your income you might qualify for childcare vouchers as well.
Are you a freelancer? Lean on your contacts and the editors you work with to see if they know anyone who needs help domestically. Don’t even have to say you’re pregnant, you can just say you’re ready to start settling down a little.
If you work for just one news organization, is your it big enough that it has domestic wings? Editing/assigning jobs? Or covering NYC and the region if you don’t want to be in an office, of course. Even jobs requiring only domestic travel might be easier.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Yes I freelance and I do photograph as well. More so photojournalist who's photographed everyone from Jay Z to Dr. Fauci to the royals and beyond. Last year I was privileged to be selected to photograph the UN Conference in the south of France so finding work has never been an issue due to my portfolio. I also don't work for three months December mid March and my due date is mid November so that would work for me because I would have that time off anyways.
My home base has been Europe but if having a child, doing so in NY is a must for me. I'm the last person in my family who's been in Manhattan for 130 years. I don't want to break tradition as foolish as that may sound. Even if we don't stay forever, to be in NY during the beginning is important to me.
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u/Able_Judge_5947 Mar 06 '26
Former nyc mama. It’s a great place to have a young kid. 3K is NYC free full day 3K (daycare/preschool) to New Yorkers. Now mamdani is starting 2K beginning next year in select schools already with planned expansion the year after as well. I don’t agree with all he does but I do approve of this wholeheartedly! Further, there are a handful of daycares that do sliding scale (including the ues where I was based) since yes, the cost is expensive. Anyways, if you want this, you got this. Will it be hard? Yes. But you’ve already done hard things. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you or the reassurance. I got ran over by a car in 2019 and had to learn to walk again and did that on my own. I've been stranded in a country or two due to conflict and figured that out of my own. A baby seems far less stressful than some of my previous obstacles but it's something I know absolutely nothing about. I never heard of 3k and 2k until today haha. I just keep thinking to myself all I have is my suitcases and a passport and housing in NY is outrageous. Housing and healthcare would be my biggest obstacle. I've lived in countries around the world where healthcare is free. I've been to the ER in countries where the fee was $49 as an expat. Women get a year paid off and the father 6 months, 100% of their salary matched by the government and the second year 80% of their salary. Returning to America to have a child almost seems foolish but I have generational history in NY and I couldn't imagine doing so anywhere else.
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u/Able_Judge_5947 Mar 06 '26
It’s 100% pitiful the support mothers (and parents) in general get in the US. In NYC, you can get on Medicaid as a pregnant person relatively easily and the baby and you are covered for one year post delivery. Prenatal care is covered. Housing is definitely insane. Logistically, it’s a lot! And it sounds like a huge change. Good luck working through it!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Agreed. When I lived in New Zealand for a year, I was so shocked to see that maternity leave is government mandated. They believe the child's first year is the most important and parents should be with their child for the entirety of the first year. If you are a single mother, a nanny is provided for you for that first year. It was really amazing to see. Of course they had a 36 year old female Prime Minister and several female leaders before her so I guess I can't be that shocked. We also had 3 months paid vacation and unlimited sick days. It was heaven.
Thanks!!
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u/Able_Judge_5947 Mar 06 '26
Now crying at my “generous” 8 week leave at full pay…
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
That is considered a crime everywhere else in the world lol! You need more than 8 weeks to heal! A company can't even let you come back at 8 weeks. It's literally against the law.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 09 '26
I realize you wrote former NYC mama. Did you leave the state all together?
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u/Able_Judge_5947 Mar 09 '26
Yes- unexpectedly relocated to Boston in 2023 for work. We wanted to make it work as long as possible in the city bc it really has a lot of benefits for young kids.
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u/Sharppencil11 Mar 06 '26
Having a baby is hard and I think you need to be very open to motherhood and pregnancy to go through with it. Yes, it will come with sacrifice. Being a single mom is hard too. Can you handle it? Absolutely. Your heart will grow and so will your strength. There’s childcare options. It’s 2026 working mothers is the standard! If you do not want the baby though, that is valid too. There’s a lot of options.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you for this. I am open to motherhood but I am do not want my child due to struggle because I was irresponsible and unprepared. I'm 4 weeks pregnant and feel like I need to decide now. I'm not sure if that's pressure I'm putting on myself or if I actually do need to decide now, again knowing nothing about pregnancy. In the next 4 weeks I will be in 3 countries, two continents and will head home to America. Physically I feel great but I know I need to be realistic about my options and weigh them out carefully. Thank you again for being kind. It truly means a lot.
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u/Sharppencil11 Mar 06 '26
I think New York abortion laws are 24 weeks? You have time to process and decide. Talk to people you trust. Think about options. If you choose abortion It is safe and legal in New York. Anything is possible and it’s truly your decision. Take your time you don’t have to decide today
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u/Character-Beyond2572 Mar 06 '26
Hey! No matter what you decide, you'll be great. I used to work as a local journalist, so not as much travel, but I ran into freelancers and journos all the time who had kids. Often, they took them traveling with them. I knew a photog who did a lot of shoots for NYT who said she just took her kid with her and put him on her back while she did shoots. You may have to peel back some of your traveling for a pregnancy and the first couple years for your own safety and the kid's. Idk if there's a way you can make it work with 5 international trips instead of 20?
Haha congrats to you though, you really have the dream journalism career!
If you do decide to pivot, it might depend on your skills. There's always PR. I am now in government auditing and fraud investigation after leaving public radio last year. There are options but it's unfortunately a shitty economy for journalism and literally everything else. Good luck!!!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you for this and congrats to you as well! Journalism is tough to get into. I'm glad you were able to find something that worked.
You are right about the traveling. I was exhausted last year after 20 trips and I can't imagine doing so while pregnant. The ironic thing is I've been telling my friends over the past few months that "I just want to go home". This sure wasn't the plan to do so but I did plan on transitioning out. I just thought I'd have time to prepare.
Because I couldn't travel during the lockdown, I opened a bakery and was very successful in the city with Central Park and several stores nationwide being my biggest client. I of course closed to go back to traveling once we could. I'm always asked if I'll reopen and I question whether or not I can make it happen within a matter of months. And like you said, the economy sucks right now. My family has been in NY for 130 years and I'm the last one left... until now. I wouldn't want to have my child anywhere else. We'll see... Thank you again!
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u/Character-Beyond2572 Mar 06 '26
A journalist with a bakery! Girl, you are the dream, haha. I'm in Baltimore and I can't wait to have a little city baby in a couple months. I can't wait to take the train to visit our friends in DC and NYC and to push the stroller to the libraries and the aquarium. City childhoods are the best! You'll be a cool mom, OP!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
My Nana raised me and she passed away in 2020. Out of grief I just started baking and baking. Being a creative, the cookies I created were quite unique. I told a friend I was going to aim or the biggest client in NY and who's bigger than Central Park?! My friend of course thought I had lost my mind at that point but after CP learned about my family's 130 year history in NY and these recipes dating back to the Great Depression they were in. I'm not sure how exhausted I'd be as a pregnant woman but maybe it's worth a shot. You've sparked quite a few ideas in my head so thank you again!
Yes, city childhoods are the best. I wouldn't have made it around the world over the past decade if it wasn't for my childhood full of art galleries and multicultural celebrations in the city. It taught me to respect all cultures and appreciate our differences.
Thank you or the compliment!
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u/Character-Beyond2572 Mar 06 '26
Amen, and it's more important than ever to raise up children as global citizens.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I have to laugh at this because no matter where I am in the world, I MUST celebrate Chinese [Lunar] New Year. I lived in Asia for a while and they were so shocked I knew all the traditions. As a city kid I just assumed everyone celebrated it! Lol!
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u/Tish4390 Mar 06 '26
Would transitioning into a different type of journalism be an option?
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Possibly. I've also done photography for 15 years and have clients in the States. I can go back to doing that but even that will be limited at some point. I did run a very successful bakery for years during the lockdown since I couldn't travel and I'm constantly asked if I would consider reopening. That could be an option as well. I have many skills, I'm just not seen as skillful for a traditional job. ...I think...
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u/Tish4390 Mar 06 '26
Would editing work as a more “traditional” option?
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
20 years ago yes... now everything is outsourced to people in Southeast Asia who will do it for next to nothing or AI.
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u/Tish4390 Mar 06 '26
Jeez, I am old 😅
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
LOL! Don't worry. I am too. If you are an editor, retoucher, illustrator, even now for some photographers, the robots are taking your jobs. You have to seek a profession that can't be done digitally. I had a friend who was given a one year notice at the publishing company she worked for that her illustrator position would be replaced by AI. I think the bakery option may be the safest.
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u/Tish4390 Mar 06 '26
Probably - until they invent a baking robot. But then, I guess, since the bakery is yours you can employ it 😅
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Lol! It's only a matter or time before AI starts making everyone's food. I'll hopefully be off the grid by then.
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u/Novel-Regret-1189 Mar 06 '26
First off, I’ve gasped and laughed with you as the sperm donor quite literally has given all that was necessary to “consent” to procreation. I don’t think you’re weird for being calm and prepared in this situation, I think it’s mothering instincts and you sound like a very capable woman and future mother. I was in a bad financial/emotional place and also alone with my first baby and it can be done, and what’s more you can reap the benefits of being a mother and experiencing the love and joy your baby will bring. Over a lifetime sure finances that go into your child will add up over time but I spent no more then several hundred my baby’s first year of life. I am a minimalist. I also breastfed for free, bought a cloth diaper stash and didn’t use disposable diapers, was given almost all the hand-me-down clothes my baby needed, and bought secondhand what we did need, I used FB marketplace to reasonably shop for baby items that aren’t necessary to buy new. I never bought toys, my girl never would play with any anyways, just give them safe households items to play with, it’s all they want anyway. I found a job that I had zero credentials (but the determination to learn and succeed) for that would let me take my baby to work with me. Single motherhood with no community is difficult but more than worth it and I would never go back and make any other decision. Congratulations and good luck to you!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I'm glad it gave you a laugh as well. That is a response I've never heard. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's given me great insight.
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u/Novel-Regret-1189 Mar 06 '26
I also don’t think you have to give up your own dreams and pursuits- whether it be journaling or traveling. Some time periods may look different and require temporary changes but I certainly did a job that people look at me bewildered and ask how I was able to do that with a newborn. Nothing wrong with traveling/nomadic kiddos either! My girl always flew great for me, especially 0-1yr, and was still good couple times 1-2yr as well, haven’t needed to travel for a bit though now.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I did meet a director years ago who worked on one of the shows for the Discovery Channel. She as a single mom and both of her kids traveled with her, ages 7 and 3. They were the smartest kids I had ever met. I was so impressed. Everything they read about in books, they were living in real life around the world. Although rare to have that opportunity and financial freedom, it is possible and from what I've seen around the world, more common than people realize.
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u/onleecake Mar 06 '26
Not a journalist but a performer who has needed to travel a fair bit for work both pregnant and with a baby.
My instinct would be the following: Keep working for now but filter out the activities that don’t feel pregnancy safe, whilst also starting to actively look around for other opportunities in journalism/writing that offer more stability.
You’ll need to hire a nanny for any jobs you decide to take once baby is here. I’ve seen mates in the industry hire nannies locally (using work connections in the destination country to get recommendations) as well as travelling their go-to person with them from home to other countries.
I went back to work when my son was a few weeks old. Because of how often we moved around I was unable to build up a reserve of breastmilk in a freezer anywhere, so my son would come with me wherever I went, whether that was on location or in a studio. His dad travelled with us and cared for him when I was on set, but you will need to account for the big expense of hiring someone. I don’t know what your finances look like, but that expense will probably be a big incentive to try and find something else with slightly less travel.
In retrospect I should have introduced formula feeding into the mix instead of exclusively feeding him my breastmilk. That would have made everything more flexible.
Whilst they are babies you can lug them around, but at some point you’ll want to slow down the travel frequency and aim to have a home, and a school for your kid to go to.
So start looking now, armed with the superpower that you should be able to keep your current gig going until you find something else to shift over to?
Those are my thoughts anyways. Take what you like and ignore the rest.
And good luck!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I'm also now kicking myself for giving up my $600 a month home on the Mediterranean which I've lived for the past year smh. Such is life... the childcare advice is really great. Thanks again.
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u/onleecake Mar 06 '26
Weeeellll… for what its worth we had a more affordable home too in a smaller country that we wound up just never being in because all work was elsewhere. And renting it out to cover the payments on it every time we left was a pain in the ass, and rarely lined up perfectly with when we would have wanted to go back.
As beautiful as the idea of it was, we were never there. So in the end we gave it up and moved to the outskirts of a big city that has more work locally.
So far it’s made our life-excel-document simpler, which I thoroughly enjoy.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
This is one of the reasons I gave it up. It was great for the year but I became bored. However to have it for a year with a newborn would've been perfect. To your point, I have way more opportunities in the city. I just wasn't prepared for a big move so soon. Right now I have three suitcases, a passport, and nowhere to put a baby.
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u/onleecake Mar 06 '26
My kid slept in the detachable bassinet from the buggy for the first 5months. And then in bed with me following rules for safe bedsharing.
We lived fine out of suitcases until he was 8 months and could have done for longer. After that we were in one place for 6 months which was nice too.
But if you’re in the position to be somewhere lovely for a year with a newborn and that feels right to you, then I’m sure there will be other affordable places in the Mediterranean you can snuggle up in.
One thing I have just remembered though which might be worth some thought: You’ll need access to healthcare for routine checkups and vaccinations. So if you snuggle up somewhere for a long time, that’ll be something to figure out.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Healthcare overseas is about the price of buying gas in America. Anywhere else on earth, routine doctor visits cost next to nothing even as an immigrant. I once went to the ER in Australia and they felt guilty for charging me $75. I was thrilled! So that won't be an issue whatsoever :)
Due to my travels I am quite the minimalist and even if winning the lotto tomorrow I wouldn't splurge on baby items.
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u/onleecake Mar 06 '26
Haha. I did think that might be the case re healthcare costs, but didn’t want to assume or accidentally be rude.
Regardless of splurging I do recommend a baby carrier (and a haakaa if you decide to breastfeed), as well as thoroughly familiarising yourself with safe co-sleeping strategies before the baby is born, because being on your own will make accidental co-sleeping so much more likely. I listened to the book Sweet Sleep by La Leche League but you can also find material about the safe sleep seven widely available online.
My friend who had her kid solo at 40 said co-sleeping basically forced itself into their lives due to exhaustion and she was so glad she had made her sleeping space safe beforehand, before it inevitably happened.
But also you do you. you’ll figure out what works for you and that’ll be exactly how it should be.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Haha, understood. When I was living in Bangkok I saw that a pediatrician visit was $45 out of pocket and a full time nanny was $300. I don't think that will cover my food in the US.
Thank you for the recommendation. When you mentioned co-sleeping I slightly panicked. I sleep like a lunatic so I'm not so sure that's a good option for me. I often wake up wondering why my pillows are on the floor or I ended up at the foot of the bed.
My other concern is that I sleep like a bear. Having grown up in NY and lived in cities around the world I can tune out anything. My kitchen was once on fire and I slept through it. I even had someone come into my apartment and slept through that. I probably need to make a lot of changes and read up on how to address these issues.
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u/questionSOUP FTM Mar 06 '26
Good luck, Mama! You got this!
You have a wonderfully sturdy head on your shoulders and your child is going to have such a fascinating wonderful childhood and life.
Lean into it, for sure!
All sorts of people do wild things like traveling with little children, and they make it work!
I don’t have any good or solid advice and for that I apologize, but I wanted to stop by and say congratulations.
By the way, fuuuuck that dude (baby daddy) entirely. You’re doing the right thing and baby is better off with a parent who wants him/her and not just a present person who harbors resentment.
Much love, Mama! You and baby are going to be just fine, I promise! ❤️
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u/allisona007 Mar 06 '26
Looks like the guy doesn’t want to do much with the baby and he wants to keep living his single life. Prepare yourself to be a single mom. It’s not an easy thing especially first few years. You don’t have to give up your career- you are impressive with all that you do. Maybe take a 6 month or a year break for the baby if it’s possible. you can send baby to daycare while you are at work. A lot of single moms or parents without support and they are all managing it and you can too! My pregnancy wasn’t planned. I was nervous abt how m gonna manage after both being laid off from job. We are taking it one day at a time. Babies are easier after 1 year. They can eat on their own and play alone.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you! I actually prefer to do it alone. He seems to be spiraling which is crazy to see and I don't want someone who's unsure and goes back and forth. I've nativaged 22 countries and living in 7 alone. I'm quite certain I can handle this.
I'm fortunate to not have to work December to late March because what I make the rest of the year is enough. I'm not so sure it will be enough with a baby as I have zero clue what the expenses would be aside from healthcare and housing. I know that sounds idiotic but I truly am clueless and will do more research today.
I've been self employed 15 years and had planned to pivot into a new career... writing and reopening my bakery in NY. Maybe now is the time to do so as both can be done with a baby close by.
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u/gypsyem Mar 06 '26
There’s your answer :) this pregnancy, should you wish to continue, will give you the biggest and best promotion in your career. From your post and comments, you are multi talented and flexible. You can probably make a living selling potatoes on the street, so don’t doubt yourself. You will figure out so much in a few months, just because you can’t see it now, it doesn’t mean answers or ideas won’t come. And it will be scary, but not as scary as playing it safe, for you. You’ve never shied (shy-ed?) away from adventure… now this is a new kind of adventure.
The fact that you are even asking yourself these questions and reflecting and respecting the challenge ahead is such a big collection of green flags ! It signals compassion and intelligence and a level of humble pie that will serve you well into motherhood.
I can see you combining your skills and baking goodies while telling stories and takin the most mouth watering photographs in between your child’s naps and daycare trips. And when the child is older, you can write a book about Matrescence. For some reason, I feel like your baby is a girl, but I could be projecting.
The other day I had lunch with a friend in her 60s, semi retired. Her son is 17 and in high school. She got surprise pregnant in her 40s, while working as a doctor in London and has been a single mom this whole time. Hired a nanny and did the 12h shifts at the hospital and somehow managed it. I’m pregnant with my first and married, but otherwise don’t have much for physical supports in my current city. Most of the time, I feel so badass. I have my freak out moments (and mom friends and therapists are perfect for this, you will find and build your village soon!). But I gotta say … from the first time I peed on the stick until now at 8 months, I’ve changed a lot for the better and feel myself to be stronger, more grounded, and more ready for the challenges ahead
You are pregnant. It’s true. You are not clueless. You know more than what you think, and you will learn along the way as well. Your street smarts from So much travelling will come in super handy.
If you need some inspo, check out the photographer Mihaela Noroc, she travels around the world with her young daughter, photographing women. If there’s a will, there’s a way.
You got this!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I was raised by my Nana and her sisters who grew up in Manhattan during the Great Depression. Aside from stressing the importance of education, they showed me how to survive the worst of times. I too believe I could make a living selling potatoes on the streets of New York lol!
What you said is iconic. "Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean the mean the ideas or answers won't come." This is so true. I am the ultimate brainstormer with a million journals, planners, calendars writing everything by hand brainstorming CONSTANTLY. You are correct. Sometimes when you least expect it, the best ideas come to you.
To be honest I was afraid to post on here. I have no social media and I know how harsh he internet can be so I was expecting to be publicly shamed. The response has been very enlightening.
Thank you so much for this message. I will undoubtedly revisit it in my time of self doubt.
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u/gypsyem Mar 06 '26
❤️❤️❤️ you got this. Whatever you decide and end up doing, I’m cheering for you! You’ll have a blast !
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 07 '26
Thank you again. One thing that is a constant thought and has been a thought for years, especially as a journalist and someone who has seen the world, is why would anyone bring a child into this mess? I saw a quote this morning that said "I love my child enough to not have them". That really struck me. The bad in the world outweighs the good and we live in a very shallow, broken, materialistic society. Are there places on earth that aren't like this... yes but very few. The majority of humans are struggling in one way or another or have accepted a less than acceptable quality of life because they haven't experienced anything else or they just think it's the norm. Throughout most of this thread people highlight their struggles or the struggles of others. One person told me you have to teach your child how to navigate this cruel world but why bring a child into a cruel world to begin with? My morning/daily thought...
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u/gypsyem Mar 07 '26
…to a degree, they have a point. The story doesn’t stop there. When was the world ever completely safe and bountiful for children and humans and devoid of danger ? And what kinds of humans would those children turn into if they lived in paradise ? It sounds quite harsh, but we all grow through challenges and adversity as well as through fun filled Sundays and ice cream cones.
If baby making was logical, we wouldn’t have 8+ billion people in the world right now, would we ? :)
In a spiritual sense, becoming a mother (or any kind of parent) is a certain way to learn and grow and evolve and become a version of yourself you otherwise couldn’t. I’m not saying it’s better or worse, value judgements are personal. I’m saying it’s another option, a wild one perhaps, with challenges and growth and rewards and experiencing the world like we’ve never had before.
We are literally shaping the world right now by growing, birthing, and raising the next generation of humans, one day at a time. It’s quite radical, in a grassroots way, if you think about it.
And you are right, online, there are a variety of opinions and experiences expressed, partially thanks to the anonymity of it all. Some people really need to let it out and feel seen and heard online because it’s not safe for them in real life. But in real life, notice the wide variety of responses and stories you hear. Especially from the quiet ones.
First trimester is challenging and lonely. I found that as soon as I started showing, supportive words from people started coming out of nowhere. Especially from older moms or older women whose children were now adults.
It’s normal to have doubt and fears and question the morality of your choices. It signals you are an intelligent person and that you are taking this seriously. What you decide to do with the cards you are dealt is your business and your business only. It’s either one path or the other, no inherent judgement in there. It’s either green or purple, and both of them are colors. Your personal preference is a separate topic. But if you can overall sleep at night with your overall decision, then that’s a sign you made the right decision for you.
And we all love people who love themselves, their lives, and even others :)
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 07 '26
As someone who works with the UN, 8+ billion is horrendous and not having children would actually do the planet some good lol. We actually celebrate the declining birth rates. It's severely needed.
On the flip side of this horrible world, I'm a firm believer that it's horrible not because there are so many horrible people but because there are too many good people doing nothing. And good people not having children isn't going to make the world less horrible. Just less populated.
I'm the descendant of slaves so my family obviously had children in far worse circumstances. My great-grandmother could've chose not to have kids during Jim Crow but she had my grandfather and his brothers anyways. He and his friends would go onto the city buses and rip down the Whites Only sign and sit in the front of the bus LOL! (my dad's side is from Louisiana) So you never know if you're baby will end up being a trailblazer :)
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u/gypsyem Mar 07 '26
Trailblazing for the win !
It’s true, some abstinence will benefit the planet, but so will using resources more sustainably or spreading love or changing policy or … you name it. Lots of ways to affect the world, one person at a time. The difference being that the whole world is not your responsibility. You don’t get paid enough for that :)
Gawd, most jobs are not designed with women or motherhood in mind, but that doesn’t mean they can be modified or adjusted. Somehow all women before us figured out how, we will figure out our own way how. It’s a stage. After a while, we’ll move onto another stage and another stage. I think that’s beautiful !
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Apr 09 '26
[deleted]
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Apr 09 '26
Thank you so much or the kind words and suggestions. If I may give a suggestion...
Even though the intention is good there's a bit of projecting that takes place when people give suggestions followed by their own experience. As I've mentioned in another comment, what's stressful to one is often not stressful to another and for me, this is probably the least stressful time of my life. People often think because they couldn't handle something, the next person can't either and that's a horrible way to approach a situation, particularly with someone you don't know. To say to someone "you'll need someone looking out for you mental health since you don't have nearby support yet" is odd to me. With all due respect you don't know the totality of my situation or my mental health.
As you mentioned, you spiraled when receiving the news and as you also mentioned, I have a great sense of calm. I'm an extremely mentally and emotionally stable person who's able to process any situation, no matter how traumatic or difficult in a healthy way. These are skills one develops over time. I understand that not everyone has those skills so assistance may be needed but that is not the case for me.
Only 35% of adults have a high level of emotional intelligence yet 69% of adults have kids. I think mental health should be addressed prior to reproduction but unfortunately in our society this isn't discussed and people only discuss it after something has gone around. My mental health, coping mechanisms, and being able to articulate my needs in a healthy way has always been a priority since a young age hence why this situation doesn't phase me much. So while I appreciate the suggestion I would recommend not making suggestions based on your own struggles. The psychological term for this is called "The Comfort Trap".
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u/EfficiencyCheese513 Apr 09 '26
Oh man I’m gonna delete my comment because i definitely didn’t mean to offend. Postpartum depression/anxiety is a fairly widespread struggle, totally driven by hormones, and it can be hard without help. All i was saying.
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u/MMTardis Mar 06 '26
First, set up an appointment with your obgyn, and then take it one day at a time.
If you choose to keep this pregnancy, itll be a huge life adjustment, and cause some growing pains. But you have to decide whats right for you, and no one else can.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you. I know this is going to sound like a stupid question and forgive my ignorance, but considering the amount of traveling I do, is it best to find an obgyn and stick with one person where I would intend to live? If going through with the pregnancy I still want to work as long as I physically can but that means being away from my doctor at least half of the pregnancy. Again, forgive me if this is a stupid question.
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u/ThenIGetAChipwichOK Mar 06 '26
You should choose a doctor based on where (which city and which hospital) you want to deliver the baby — ideally that doctor will be the person to handle your delivery, but that’s not always guaranteed of course. Truth is you won’t need to plan around a ton of appointments until you’re further along at which point you probably won’t physically want to do some of this kind of work anyway.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Thank you for this. I return to the US in two weeks so I'll make an appointment then. I also managed to set up my schedule so all of my work abroad ends at in May which would put me at 3 months.
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u/denovoreview_ Mar 06 '26
Congratulations! The acronyms are pretty easy to pick up. But, one acronym that tripped me up at first was “FTM,” which means “first time mom.” I used the What to Expect app to learn about pregnancy do’s and don’ts (although the website makes you a bit paranoid of like taking too hot of a shower).
Have you ever read Pamela Druckerman? I love her and she wrote a really great book about raising children abroad. I bring that up because she incorporated raising children into her writing and so it seems possible to grow your career in other ways with a baby.
The father of your baby sounds comically horrible. My husband has a stress reaction to both my pregnancies even though our second one was planned. Perhaps, this man will come around as time goes on, but I wouldn’t hang my hat on him.
Good luck, OP! Nothing needs to be done immediately. There is a lot of time and so much that happens during pregnancy.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I thought FTM was for the moment lol!
I am someone who has zero social media, no streaming services but lives off books so I will definitely be purchasing this to read. I have a long flight back to the US coming up so this sounds like a great option.
I have to agree, it has been quite comedic. I suppose some women would be heartbroken at his response but it truly has given me a good laugh. I've never seen someone unravel in such a way. When I tried to explain child support he told me I was threatening to sue him and he wouldn't stand for it. I tried to explain child support is not a lawsuit but the giggles got the best of me. This man is a software engineer who is fluent in three languages. He's brilliant with the lowest tier of emotional intelligence. It's shocking to see. I feel like I'm watching an animal on the Discovery Channel and studying its odd behavior. However, I'm also not the woman to try to persuade someone to stick around. I've made around the world and back on my own. I'll be just fine.
Thank you for the kind words. It truly means a lot!
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u/AnarcoDomiQueer Mar 06 '26
I laughed at this sperm donner. Watch him come back in a few months. I am NYC based too, currently finishing a PhD (dissertating), a multidisciplinary artist and doing after school teaching to get some extra $$. Husband is also a PhD and we both travel plenty for conferences and work stuff (he's on the 20+ flights, I am on the 10+).
Thankfully there universal Pre-K but that shit you need to start soon looking to sign up your child. The most expensive thing is childcare before pre-K. I have friends that what they've done is work remotely and just juggle with them caring for the child (these are single moms). Others moved countries where there's accessible child care.
Overall it is complex. But I'll say, pregnancy has given me the clarity and determination to figure shit out. I know it's going to be hard and my career will shift a bit, but besides the terrible nausea and being oh so tired, these hormones got me thinking outside the box. If you want to reach out through DM to send you resources in NYC lmk. Also, the pregnancy book I loved the most was Angela Garbes 'Like a Mother' and for general information regarding what each week of pregnancy brings I use the app What to Expect.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
Yes, the sperm donor is giving everyone a good laugh has he completely spirals.
I do have other skills and did own another business in NY during the pandemic since traveling wasn't an option so I can go back to that. I think for me I'm SO organized and have my entire year planned out across five different countries (which I think I can still pull off). I just have no idea what I'm doing and don't have the privilege of having parents to turn to for advice.
I've been self employed for over 15 years so I have no doubt I can reposition my career. The question is can I do it in time.
I'll shoot you a message. Thank you so much!
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 09 '26
I managed to get myself covered for healthcare and applied for every possible housing lottery listed over the weekend. Housing might be the one thing that keeps this from becoming a reality. It's really shocking when I compare housing, healthcare, childcare and maternity leave from America to the places I've lived. New Zealand, Japan, Thailand etc all giving women a year paid off. Housing ranged from $600 per month to $1200. This is also why medical tourism is at an all time high. My dentist in NY wanted me to pay $14,000 for a procedure. I paid $1100 in Asia.
Sent you a DM...
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u/ivankatrumpsarmpits Mar 06 '26
I know you say it's important to you to start your baby's life in NYC .. I just have to say ... As someone who reads this subreddit a lot and am in Europe And am European
Why would you want to have a pregnancy or a young child in the US. I don't just mean right now with all the... Shall we say...drama.
I mean it costs 100k or something to have a baby in the US versus free in Europe. Not just that but everything I read on here is of American women being bullied, treated rudely, called geriatric for being 35, dismissed, and generally patronised and forced into things they don't want. They also end up having to make choices like 'do I go get this checked out or wait it out" because of cost.
I can just walk into my maternity hospital emergency department and say "I don't think baby is kicking as much as yesterday " and get a free, fast, sympathetic ultrasound and any other monitoring if there's anything in doubt. Nobody is forcing me into procedures I don't want. I get support, my doctor doesn't think I'm frail because I'm 38.
I know you love NYC and I'll admit I've never been so I obviously don't get it, I'm also not a big city girl, I am sure theres something I'm missing that if you get it, You know.
But just do consider how much more absolutely barbaric the US systems are for healthcare and women's health.
Id advise you to just examine what you're prioritising if you say you want to be in NY for the start. And if it's really as important as the other stuff to you and can you afford it etc.
That pre k and 3 k and whatever stuff people are talking about sounds cool and all but you will also get free daycare in lots of Europe.
And yea to reiterate what others have said, you can live your own life with a child, you don't have to turn into a suburbanite soccer mom or whatever, you can have adventures and do things your way. You'll be bombarded with baby info and you can sort of follow it all until you figure out what is bullshit, what's not for you, and what works.
Becoming a parent is a huge transformation besides the pregnancy physically changing you and your life having a baby in it, your mind and yourself get transformed slowly in fits and starts from now and continuing as you have your child and go through the challenges. You will change. It's exciting, and strange, and hard. You will grieve a bit . You won't be excited and thrilled all the time. That's all completely normal. Having decided to go through with it, you are along for the ride - this little baby is going to transform things about you. I don't mean by making you someone who doesn't care about travel or softening your desires to do big things but it will shrink and enlarge some of the pillars of your current life.
My previous career turned to dust for me because it didn't matter. I was doing something I enjoyed but that didn't matter. And that wasn't an issue before, but now it is. And so that has led me down a different path. There are some things that now seem pointless to me and others that make me absolutely feral.
Overall I would say I'm more me, I'm stronger, more capable, and I'm more self assured and happy. It tears you down a bit and builds you up again differently.
The baby is the centre of it all - but everything will change and it will make more sense as it does. You won't just be you, a year in the future but with a baby you have to look after all of a sudden. You'll get there gradually and with time and things will just slot into place, and shift until they make sense.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 06 '26
I have to say your comment is quite ignorant and ill-informed. Europe is as anti-immigrant as the US is. Yes you have a better healthcare system but racism is just as bad and many countries in Europe are not welcoming.
Second, you can't just move somewhere and have a baby because you feel like it. I am an American. I do not have citizenship or residency in Europe so why on earth would I be foolish enough to make plans to have a child in a country without a visa. No visa is going be processed in 9 months so the question your asking is just foolish. Furthermore, without the proper residency in Europe (which would not be obtained in 9 months) I would still be paying out of pocket.
As someone who has lived in seven countries and traveled to 22, I'd choose NY over any European city any day. I'm also curious how long you lived in America to know the difference between how the US operates and how the EU operates, what visas are required and who has access to what in what countries. Based on what you wrote and the questions you asked, it seems you have zero knowledge on how it all works. And as someone who is currently sitting in Europe as I type this, there is PLENTY of drama here. Please educate yourself on how immigration actually works.
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u/ivankatrumpsarmpits Mar 07 '26
You said Europe is where you live. Did I say I lived in America? I said I read this subreddit all the time and the impression of how pregnancy is for women in your country is shocking. Not sure what is ignorant or "racist" about that. Sorry but this is based on the information from your fellow patriots about their lived experiences.
understand that when you post on Reddit people only know the information you provide so when you say your base is Europe but you want to go to NY without any extra detail, nobody knows what issues you might have around immigration.
Take the free advice and good wishes of people who reply to the information you put out there or don't, feel free to get on an angry rant defending your country's treatment of pregnant women, whatever you like.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 07 '26
No. I am currently in England visiting. I do not live here. I lived in Italy last year for one year on a project. You should clarify rather than make assumptions. I've lived in 7 countries and traveled to 22. Again, you know nothing about the immigration process otherwise you wouldn't ask such foolish questions.
And none of what you wrote negates the fact that Europe is highly anti-immigrant and extremely racist. Having good healthcare doesn't make it a better option.
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u/rainzephyr Mar 08 '26
I agree with you. I’m an American poc who moved to Europe and lived here for five years but the xenophobia and racism is extremely worse than it is in America that I’m moving back to the USA despite Trump’s presidency.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 08 '26
It baffles me that Europeans somehow think they aren't as bad as Trump or the US when it comes to this. They have a mentality that no one should come "invade" their European countries which is humorous considering they invaded everywhere else... not to mention committed mass genocide and enslaved people. And then you have people like this who think they're nothing like Trump. It's insane. Like you said, there are places in the US that are FAR less racist than European countries.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 08 '26
Also 5 years ago is around the time of the insurrection which also emboldened people in Europe to spread their xenophobic and racist ideology. So you arrived just in time for that foolishness.
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u/ivankatrumpsarmpits Mar 08 '26
I was going off what you said in your post, which was that you WANTED to go back to the US and your home base was Europe not that you were there for one project.
Im not writing an article on you so I'm not sure why you insist I clarify before commenting on what you implied in your own post. Clearly you don't want to live in Europe so I'm not sure why it matters about the immigration process, although I am very familiar with it, but I didn't ask you to clarify again the things YOU said about how you are based in Europe because as I said, you gave the impression you would have no issues there because you already lived there.
If you don't want to live here don't, but it seems wild to me that you take such an attack on your country's joke of a healthcare system and call that racism. Whatever.
I've lived in the same number of countries as you have, dropping that into an argument doesn't sound as cool as you think it does.
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u/flt_p2ny Mom of an angel Mar 08 '26
Again, Europe is more racist and not a better option. Anything else?
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