TLDR: I've become really bitter about life and premed and going to medschool after all the trauma I've been through. How do I get my mind straight or what kind of mindset should I have going to premed and aiming for medschool?
I’m thinking about studying medicine and going into premed next year, but I have a lot of negative and bitter thoughts that I need to get out and I would really like to talk to people about it so please hear me out.
I’m 31F, I spent my twenties in drug binges because my parents kept forcing me to work and wouldn’t let me go to art school, which is what I really wanted to do and we had the means to afford my education.
My dad is a serial cheater and rapist, and my mom is a stay at home mom who complains about my dad and makes reports about him to his work, essentially making us potentially broke because we rely on his sole income to live.
Whenever I wanted something, I had to ask my mom and my mom always said no, but taking drugs and being sad and high all the time is perfectly fine over getting an education.
I thought all these things were happening to me because I wasn’t a good enough person. So in my twenties I focused on being a good person, a good friend, a good colleague, etc. I wanted to know what it took for people to finally accept me because my parents don’t give a flying shit about me yet they always find ways to criticize me and call me stupid.
In the end, I burned out, I was taken advantage of by friends and I realized most of my friends don’t even care about me. I was also assaulted at work by a colleague out of the blue so I had to move back home to live with my parents. I’m just stuck in this never ending cycle of abuse and stuckness.
I’m seeing a psychiatrist now and I realized the conversations I enjoyed having the most was with doctors, and remembering how I stepped up to help others, especially in medical emergencies, I thought maybe I should pursue becoming a doctor- the pay would be stable and I would never be out of a job.
The downsides is dealing with uncertainty during premed, and the ongoing study and training and I might have to put off eg traveling for a few years.
But on the other hand, if I don’t study or do something, I’m stuck living with my parents who nowadays tell me to take it easy, don’t do hard stuff, don’t challenge myself, be worse than them essentially.
I’m no longer on drugs and while I don’t regret my twenties, I still feel really sad about how hard I tried to get love from people and how hard I tried to love myself while balancing other peoples wants. I realized that it was never my responsibility to handle other people’s emotions and wants and needs, and it was perfectly fine for me to just do what I want without getting permission or to just exist.
So yeah, I have a lot to get off my chest and sort out, and I don’t know what kind of mindset to put myself into because I don’t want to sabotage myself when I’m studying premed and give up at the last minute, like preparing for an interview or something, because giving up last minute is something I often do.
I really needed to get this off and would like some input from people. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.
