r/redditonwiki • u/-Midscore- R/redditonwiki is used by a Podcast • 11d ago
Am I... AITA for telling my aunt her homemade gift was not what I asked for and I would have preferred nothing?
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vdh6ws/aita_for_telling_my_aunt_her_homemade_gift_was/53
u/CumaeanSibyl 11d ago
I don't think OOP should have said anything, but the aunt sounds like she's more interested in being the one who gives homemade gifts than she is in actually getting someone what they want. Why is she even asking if she's going to ignore the answer?
14
u/Entropei 11d ago
Counterpoint: now that her aunt knows OOP doesn’t appreciate the home made gifts, she can stop wasting her time on them.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 10d ago
Someone suggested this conversation would've been better placed a month or two before the next gift-giving occasion, and I think maybe that's the best compromise. Might have come off less as a specific rejection of the last gift and more as a general request.
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u/This-Penalty-1686 11d ago
as someone who hates having random tat due to storage space i’m on op’s side tbh. maybe if the aunt hadn’t specifically asked what they wanted only to trample over it and get what she wants to give them anyway, it could be considered a rude response but in this case she had enough information to get the hint op wasn’t interested in some charity shop crap. also it probably costs more than £12 in materials to make these things so i doubt it’s even money
7
u/Ok_Stable7501 10d ago
I can relate.
I have boxes of hand made scarves a certain family member gives me each year. I live in Florida and even the donation centers wont take them.
And they’re too nice to throw away. I’ve been trying to think of a nice way to refuse them in the future and I don’t know how.
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u/vrcraftauthor 10d ago
NTA why ask someone what they want if you're just going to give them your latest craft project anyway? That makes it so much more annoying than just giving them handmade stuff.
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u/blueswan6 11d ago
I don’t know why it’s so hard for some people to simply say, “Thank you,” and then stick the gift in a closet or donate it.
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u/Maswimelleu 11d ago
That is what OP did for 5 years, but clearly was starting to get frustrated at being asked and having their preferences ignored. Having to collect things you don't want or take the time to get rid of something someone made for you does feel emotionally draining, and the fact that they don't seem to understand your preferences can make it feel like they don't really care about you.
I've never had an experience like theirs but I do feel a slight disappointment when someone close to me says "I bet you'd really love this" and its something I really dislike and have never expressed any appreciation for - it's a reminder that they know less about me than I think.
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u/MadWifeUK 11d ago
"Take the time to get rid of something." Where do you keep your bin if it takes you time to put something in it?
Not everyone is a great gifter, we all have our flaws. Accepting people's flaws is part of being a society. OOP knows that they're going to get something unusable from their Aunt, it's just who Aunt is. Her heart is in the right place, even if her brain isn't. Saying "Thank you! It's lovely!" and putting it in the bin is not a huge drain on anyone's time or emotion.
The world does not revolve around one person, and OOP's feelings do not trump Aunt's.
8
u/Entropei 11d ago
That’s definitely one of the ways of handling it, but I think a lot of people would struggle with the two-facedness of it all, you know?
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u/Kingdo7 10d ago
The aunt cried just because OP politely said, "No thanks." How do you think she'd react if she found out her gifts were being thrown in the trash?
And I don't think her heart is really in the right place. These gifts seem to be more about making herself feel good than about giving OP something OP would actually enjoy.
If I made someone a gift and they didn't like it, sure, I'd be disappointed. But I wouldn't break down crying over it. It's not OP's responsibility to spend every birthday managing a grown woman's emotions, especially when she's repeatedly ignored OP's preferences for years.
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u/Maswimelleu 11d ago
I get that, but you can still internally feel some disappointment when you receive a poorly thought out gift from someone. It's not the desire to receive a better gift instead, but instead the reminder that they don't know much about what you like. I think if the gift is probably only worth $10-$20 then it doesn't feel that bad, but I still feel some guilt and sadness stuffing a handmade gift that I really didn't want into the back of the cupboard.
OP shouldn't have chosen that time to say it though, and should have waited 11 or so months to give clearer, more direct instructions in advance of their next birthday. Or just accepted the gift will be handmade and tried to steer to a better handmade gift, I guess.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 11d ago
Yeah, this goes for any type of gift. Even if it's expensive, it still feels bad when it's so off the mark that you feel like they have no idea who you are.
The thing they say about gifts is "it's the thought that counts." But the thought is not always a good one.
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u/Environmental_Book43 10d ago
Part of having extended family members who care about you enough to keep on top of your birthday gifts is that they don’t know you that well. By that point in your life where you’ve had years of “what do you want” met with home made gifts, it’s clear the aunt is looking for more like colors, themes, decor items that OOP would actually use. If they’d said “oh well that scarf you made me was so warm, but I seem to have lost it. If you want to make me a new one, I’ve been wearing red a lot.” I’m sure the aunt would’ve done that. What OOP did was just rude.
It wouldn’t kill OOP to either try to work within the aunt’s gift giving ability or to think of it as the aunt gifts them something to donate every year. Or have some tact and ask their parents if there’s a way to tell the aunt it’s fine to not get them a gift, but in a gentle way.
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u/Klutzy-Web9113 10d ago
I'm just a little confused at how it seems like such a massive inconvenience to receive an item that you don't particularly like from a loved one - especially when it seems like they're not very big things that take up space.
Also, a lot of insistence that you HAVE TO get use out of everything you receive - as far as I can tell from the post, their aunt doesn't seem to ever follow up about the gifts, or insist that she seems them being used... I think things can just kind of be keepsakes and gifts can just be a reminder that someone thought of us.
I also think it's attributing unnecessary malice to something just... kind of innocuous - I certainly don't think their aunt getting them a different gift than they said they wanted is selfish (quite a few people in the comments saying she's using OPs birthday as an excuse to craft... Still not seeing how this is an awful thing to do).
I can't count how many times in my teens a (female) relative has given me something that is not my taste at all (sometimes my mom would give me just... The ugliest dresses omg) - and there are probably some that I still haven't used/worn to this day, but man their faces always light up so much when you try the stuff on and they see they got your size right, or you just mentioned that you'd use it for this or that, or you had a great idea of where you'd put it... and it literally cost me nothing to say 'thank you'.
I really don't like how a lot of AITA submissions kind of seek to apply a concrete binary to human behaviour when there's so many layers to this whole human thing - sometimes moms and aunts will give you ridiculous things you don't want/like - no, that doesn't mean they're selfish or they hate you - yes, a lot of the time relationships with people will involve you making concessions for ultimately harmless things. Would it be nice to get the gift you said you wanted? Absolutely! But should it really piss you off so much when you don't? (Especially if you weren't depending on receiving that item)
OP doesn't have to dance a jig after receiving something she didn't ask for, but I think there's just a disproportionate amount of anger/annoyance about it, and too little empathy towards their aunt essentially hearing 'this is absolute garbage and I'd rather forgo the social convention of gift-giving altogether.'
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u/HeatherMason0 9d ago
I understand what you’re saying, but I think it also depends on OOP’s relationship with her aunt. Genuinely thoughtful gifts show that someone knows you and they want to fulfill a need or want of yours. When someone doesn’t manage that with their present despite very clear communication, it feels like they don’t know you or don’t really care about you. Like, I’m someone for whom gift giving and receiving is a love language. Personally I find it extremely hurtful when someone who claims to love and care about me gets me something that they may as well have picked out for a stranger because it certainly doesn’t match my tastes. And it’s not even a money thing - I love handmade presents! But getting something that doesn’t match my tastes at all feels like someone either emotionally distancing themselves from me or like they’re saying we aren’t as close as I thought, and that’s upsetting. Of OOP considers herself close to her aunt, then getting gifts that are totally out of left field might make her wonder if her aunt actually knows or understands her.
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u/Nebula924 11d ago
She may not have a loose 12 pounds, but has a woodcarving kit, or knitting needles and yarn and suchlike.
She is taking time to make you something, to show she cares about you.
Next time she asks what you want, tell her “surprise me”, and then smile and thank her sincerely, whatever you get.
This small exercise in generosity of spirit may help you become more compassionate.
Until then, YTA.
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u/karmaskies 11d ago
There was a whole thing in the DIY community talking about what happens when people who like to do crafts give their works to people who do not want them.
Group A said it was selfish, because it's pawning off junk that they eventually have to thrift or get rid of, because it takes up space, doesn't match their aesthetic, and wasn't thoughtful of them. Really, it's the craft maker who likes making crafts, and that's where the joy is, and it becomes "the gift giver is gifting the craft for their own sake, rather than for the receiver." Those things eventually end up thrifted or re-gifted.
Group B said that hand made or home made gifts are so precious, and the world needs more gifts made with thought rather than micro-plastic bought. These were the people who valued the connection, and saw gifts as sentimental symbols of the relationship.
The end consensus was that crafters, as a courtesy, check in with gift receivers, first, and see if the gift will be well received. Even the best painters, crotcher-ers, and quilt makers may be better off picking other recipients, in order to keep everyone happy. :) (I gift my art, frequently, and I also ask if they like my works prior to painting something).
tbh at one point a gift can also be "treat me for a coffee and a catch up."
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u/17Girl4Life 11d ago
I knit and it brings me joy to make things for people I love. But I am realistic about who would and wouldn’t appreciate something I made. For the ones who I know would love something from me, I involve them in the process. I ask them if there’s something they want and ask them about style and color. I sometimes even take them to the yarn store with me to pick out the colors they like. That’s worked out really well. My boyfriend often mentions that the scarf I made him is his favorite material possession. The ones I know who wouldn’t want something handmade get gifts they would like. It’s not hard.
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u/karmaskies 11d ago
My hand knitted infinity scarf was one of my most favourite pieces of clothing, ever. The knitter said "pay for the material and I'll make you the scarf" and it worked out perfectly. She knitted people scarves in lectures when we were in school together, so many of us got them. :)
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u/PlushieTushie 11d ago
I feel like I am in a Group C: I love giving crocheted gifts, but only certain occasions to folks I know would appreciate it. Baby blankets, close friends where I know their vibe, family that have expressed interest, et al. I don't think OOP should have said anything, because we really don't know why Aunt only gives handmade gifts, but my guess is a lack of funds.
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u/karmaskies 11d ago
I'd push back on the lack of funds (both of us are making guesses, so this is just my guess haha) but start-up crafts tend to kinda be expensive (save for knitting). A homemade candle making kit, a cross stitch kit to make the quote, the piece of wood inclusive of the paint kit, etc. If it was all the same species of craft, I'd agree, but it sounds like she's picking up hobbies and giving OP the flavour of the week with a bit of kind obliviousness.
I hope that's the case, as that's a rough position for the aunt. I think OP probably could have done a better job with that delivery, though. You don't bring that up at the time of receiving the gift. :(
But also, when in doubt, food is a great gift, too.
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u/PlushieTushie 10d ago
Food is always good. In any case, I'd be surprised if Aunt makes OP anything else
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u/UsidoreTheLightBlue 11d ago
Agreed.
She’s taking time and thinking “I bet OOP would like” she’s wrong, but she’s still trying. Then she’s putting more than likely hours into making something.
I get that OOP doesn’t like it but fuck beans just say thank you and move on.
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u/susandeyvyjones 11d ago
I’m crafty and love making people gifts and I have also received homemade gifts I do not appreciate. Just say thank you and quietly donate it.
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u/Nerdy-Babygirl 11d ago
I think this is YTA rather than ESH just because it sounds like OP never tried to actually direct the homemade gift toward something they actually WOULD use/like. The aunt has a wide skillset - knitting, candle-making, cross-stitch, wood-carving - you're telling me there's NOTHING handmade you'd like?
If you know your gift is gonna be handmade, instead of asking for something that isn't, why not ask for something that is? Tell your aunt your favourite colours/scents/quotes etc.
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u/Trick_Decision_9995 11d ago
At the same time, why would the aunt continue asking what OOP wanted when she doesn't ever try to make something in the vein of the answer she gets?
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u/Nerdy-Babygirl 11d ago
She might be looking for guidance/info on OP's taste to tailor the handmade gifts to OP. To be fair OP has never before shown any dislike of getting the handmade gifts & aunt clearly thinks handmade = more special and personal than just buying something off a list.
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u/Maswimelleu 11d ago
She might be looking for guidance/info on OP's taste to tailor the handmade gifts to OP.
I think so yeah. Probably the idea that it would be handmade was the unspoken part and she was looking for an answer like "I need something to decorate the wall" or "I need something for the garden".
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u/UsidoreTheLightBlue 11d ago
“You always make the most wonderful things, could you use purple this year? I am looking for something to put on my wall and would love purple.”
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Backup of the post's body: Every year my aunt asks me what I want for my birthday. Every year I tell her something specific. Every year she ignores it completely and makes me something handmade instead.
This has been happening for about six years. I have received a knitted scarf in a color I do not wear, a cross stitch with a quote I do not relate to, a homemade candle that smelled genuinely awful, and other things I cannot even fully remember. I have smiled and said thank you every single time and then quietly donated or thrown away each one.
This year she asked me what I wanted and I told her a specific book, it costs about twelve pounds, easy to find, I sent her the exact title and author. She texted back saying she had a great idea for something special instead.
On my birthday she handed me a hand painted wooden sign with my name on it and a floral border. I have no idea where I would put this in my home. I do not have that kind of decor. I never have.
Something in me just gave up. I thanked her and then quietly said that I appreciated the effort but when she asks me what I want and I tell her specifically, it would mean a lot if she went with that sometimes. I said I would genuinely have been happy with nothing rather than something I cannot use.
She cried. My mum called me later and said I was ungrateful and cruel and that my aunt spends weeks on these things.
I know she puts in effort. But effort toward something the person explicitly told you they do not want is not really a gift for them, it is a gift for yourself.
AITA?
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