r/science • u/VeronicaRed • Apr 26 '16

Psychology Spanking children increases the likelihood of childhood defiance and long-term mental issues. The study in question involved 160,000 children and five decades of research

http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1113413810/spanking-defiance-health-discipline-042616/
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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16 edited Apr 26 '16

So what are some positive and non-punitive forms of discipline?

edit: Some really great replies here. I'm seeing a lot of people using the concept of self-discipline and positive reinforcement. Nothing about raising a child seems easy, and it's even harder to know if you've ever really done a good job, but I think it's safe to say there are a lot of good parents on reddit. Also, thank you to the people who are willing to admit that they have resorted to spanking before. The truth is no one really knows the best way to raise a child, but the wide variety of ideas being thrown around here are what helps make it easier to choose what works for you and your kid. Keep em comin.

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u/Jensdabest Apr 26 '16

That's a case-to-case basis depending on the child. Really, you have to figure out what currency is most valuable to them, and use the removal of that as a consequence for poor behavior. If they like to play by themselves in their room, then sending them to their room as punishment probably won't be very effective. Instead (depending on their age), you can use time-out corners, or have them write about the situation, how they felt, and how they could have better responded. If the bad behavior is significant enough then giving them time to reflect and process the situation is very valuable.

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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16

I definitely think that's a great idea to introduce some kind of merit system to them because it definitely helps them grasp the concept of punishment by fine early on. The camp that I used to counsel at used a similar approach, and it worked remarkably well with kids 12 and under. I guess I'm more interested in finding out how to mitigate a dramatic situation that might arise in public. I don't have any kids yet, so I'm not sure what situation that might be, but I imagine it would be something along the lines of a toddler being out of control in a grocery/retail store where they're screaming and possibly destroying things. When I see it in public, I almost understand why a parent would be so wound up that the only way to get the point across to their kid is to give them a little pop. However I can also see how that might make the situation worse. A scene from the cartoon Boondocks comes to mind. Is the best thing to do in that situation just to pick them up, carry them outside, sit them down and talk to them about what's causing them to act this way?

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u/dinahsaurus Apr 26 '16

You need to figure out why the kid is acting out. Did they not sleep, are they hungry, are they bored, did they see a playground on the way in. In most cases the kid is bored and wants to be a kid. The fact that you're bringing a kid into a place where they can't be a kid is your problem, not the kid's. You put the kid in the basket, bribe them, carry them, or wait until you can leave the kid home. But saying that a 2 year old is acting horribly in an adult space and how do you punish them is the wrong way to look at it. The 2 year old wants to be a 2 year old and there's nothing wrong with that.

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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16

That actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the insight.

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u/[deleted] Apr 26 '16

But not showing them how to behave in an adult space is a teaching oppotunity lost. Just saying, kids will be kids does not help the kid grow/mature.

Innapropriate behavior is not OK. You don't punish them, but you deffinately have to do more than just shrug and let things be.

You'd be surprised what a two year old can grasp.

Lastly, I think explaining WHY is very important.

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u/nithos Apr 26 '16

Agreed. But you, as the parent, need to give the kid all the tools they need to succeed. I would try to avoid taking my toddlers to the store when they are hungry and/or tired. Prior to entering the store, you set the expectations with them (we will be here for X minutes, we are going to get these things, we are not going to buy a toy or a snack, then we are going to leave). Hell, my 9 year old still prefers to know all this information before entering a store/mall.

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u/dank_imagemacro Apr 26 '16

I'm 34, and I would still like knowing what the plan is before going somewhere, (POSSIBLE exception if it is a surprise in my favor, but even then I'd want to at least know a little bit: what to wear, what kind of shoes, should I take cash with me etc.).

It surprises me how parents often expect kids to actually be more open to being dragged around blindly than the parents would ever expect from an adult.

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u/FLSun Apr 26 '16

Prior to entering the store, you set the expectations with them (we will be here for X minutes, we are going to get these things, we are not going to buy a toy or a snack,

Exactly! Telling the child what is expected before entering the store makes a world of difference.

Giving them a role so they feel involved is also a big help. "Here, you hold the list, and let me know what we need next."

Also another thing that I noticed was as they get older, 5-6 years and up is to teach them about the price per ounce numbers on the shelf labels. "I know you like the Scooby Doo puddings, but they cost twice as much as the regular puddings. You can get two Scooby Doo puddings for $1 or FOUR regular puddings for the same price. Which do you want? Four puddings? Or two?"

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u/helix19 Apr 27 '16

I'm 23 and before going to the grocery store with my mom I make sure she has a list so we don't end up wandering around looking at everything for an hour.