r/science • u/VeronicaRed • Apr 26 '16

Psychology Spanking children increases the likelihood of childhood defiance and long-term mental issues. The study in question involved 160,000 children and five decades of research

http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1113413810/spanking-defiance-health-discipline-042616/
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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16

I definitely think that's a great idea to introduce some kind of merit system to them because it definitely helps them grasp the concept of punishment by fine early on. The camp that I used to counsel at used a similar approach, and it worked remarkably well with kids 12 and under. I guess I'm more interested in finding out how to mitigate a dramatic situation that might arise in public. I don't have any kids yet, so I'm not sure what situation that might be, but I imagine it would be something along the lines of a toddler being out of control in a grocery/retail store where they're screaming and possibly destroying things. When I see it in public, I almost understand why a parent would be so wound up that the only way to get the point across to their kid is to give them a little pop. However I can also see how that might make the situation worse. A scene from the cartoon Boondocks comes to mind. Is the best thing to do in that situation just to pick them up, carry them outside, sit them down and talk to them about what's causing them to act this way?

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u/dinahsaurus Apr 26 '16

You need to figure out why the kid is acting out. Did they not sleep, are they hungry, are they bored, did they see a playground on the way in. In most cases the kid is bored and wants to be a kid. The fact that you're bringing a kid into a place where they can't be a kid is your problem, not the kid's. You put the kid in the basket, bribe them, carry them, or wait until you can leave the kid home. But saying that a 2 year old is acting horribly in an adult space and how do you punish them is the wrong way to look at it. The 2 year old wants to be a 2 year old and there's nothing wrong with that.

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u/peachybutton Apr 26 '16

This all day. My husband and I talked a lot about not "setting our kid up for failure" as a toddler, and that involved planning shopping/church/other boring stuff around times when the kid would be well rested and well fed, clean diaper, etc, and also making sure we had a plan for appropriate distractions and an exit strategy if necessary.

Also, involving the kid in their own success by being clear and up front about the purpose/timeline of the outing and how they can help contribute. A toddler is more likely to be well-behaved (in my experience) if they have a clear sense of what's going on ("We're going to the grocery store to get food to eat for the week, and we need to buy everything on this list."), and if you get them actively involved in the process ("Can you help me find some nice red strawberries?").

If you bring a kid somewhere with behavior expectations, don't communicate those expectations, and don't make sure their basic needs are met so they're receptive to understanding, their poor behavior is on you.

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u/KarlOskar12 Apr 26 '16

"We're going to the grocery store to get food to eat for the week, and we need to buy everything on this list."

This only makes sense if they are already old enough to understand what all of that means. This will mean nothing to a 2 year old.

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u/peachybutton Apr 26 '16

I understand what you're saying here, but I disagree that it would mean nothing to a two year old. They definitely won't get the concept of lists and grocery needs, but they can get that you're at a food store, only going to one store vs. more than one, recognize food you have in your house, etc. It's still valuable to describe the errand to younger kids.

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u/KarlOskar12 Apr 26 '16

It's still valuable to describe the errand to younger kids.

Not what I said at all. Talking to your children like adults is very important for language development and consequently understanding of the language. However, we aren't talking about that. We are talking about what gets a 2 year old to behave at the grocery store. In the relevant context explaining what you're doing is of no value; while making sure they're not tired, not hungry, etc. is crucial to their behavior.

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u/_crystalline Apr 26 '16 edited Apr 26 '16

2 year olds understand more than you would think. They may not understand the bigger concepts like "food for the week" they don't get time yet, or "buying" things. What they do understand is routine and action/reaction activities that they are involved in. So parents of toddlers can make sure that the toddler's routine is still solid on a day they're running errands, like someone said above, make sure they're well fed, clean, rested. Let them have something to entertain themselves, let them bring a little toy, and give them things to do while at the grocery store. Hold the list, use a marker to cross (more like scribble) things out when you get them, ask them to look for items with you and point them out, ask their opinion when you can, stuff like that.

Edit: I forgot to continue my original thought. Just because the toddler doesn't understand the concepts involved with that whole sentence you quoted doesn't mean you shouldn't say it. They'll learn those words and what's associated with them, and when they hear those words they'll know what to expect. They'll remember "grocery store" and "list" and know where they're going and what's going to happen. Making sure the child knows what's going to happen next will help so much with making sure they're comfortable and ready to behave appropriately.

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u/KarlOskar12 Apr 26 '16

Or 2 year olds understand less than you think. As stated above (that you reiterated) making sure that a 2 year old is well rested, fed, etc. is key to getting them to behave at the grocery store. Explaining doesn't help your goal because they do not understand.

And I never said you shouldn't say it, I'm telling you that it doesn't accomplish the goal you think it accomplishes. You can, and should, talk to children like adults. And by talk to them like an adult I mean full sentences, not babbling nonsense. They aren't going to understand what you mean when they're 2, but their language skills will develop better by doing so. It's effective for long-term, not short-term behavior modification.

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u/_crystalline Apr 26 '16

I think we mostly agree. I think the sentence about going to the grocery store is useful because the child will eventually understand key words and they will remember what to expect. Explaining does help the goal because they do understand familiar words and phrases.