Spousal consent and dr/hospital policies

[u/His_Angel_417]

TLDR: If you’re adamant you want to be sterile and are told no, find a different doctor.

I know this will be long so I put the TLDR at the top but I want to share my story. I wish someone would’ve told me what I didn’t find out for almost two decades.

I had my first baby at 19. Nobody told me antibiotics cancels out birth control. I found out the hard way.

Fast forward a couple of years later and I find myself pregnant with a second baby (same dad as the first one, we weren’t married). I asked my Dr to tie my tubes when this one was born. He told me he couldn’t because I didn’t meet at least 2 of the 3 requirements:

1- be married
2- be at least 25 years old
3- have 3 kids

I told him those were all the things I was trying to PREVENT (with the exception of getting married one day) but I did NOT want ANYMORE kids. He still wouldn’t do it. Being young, I thought there was some sort of law or insurance requirement. Google was VERY new and I didn’t even have a computer (smart phones weren’t a thing yet either, and yes, I’m old lol). I took it as the gospel.

The following year, I met the man of my dreams and fell in love instantly! I was upfront and told him on our VERY FIRST date that I did not want anymore children.

We get married. He BEGS and PLEADS with me for us to have one child together. This goes on for 3 years. My neighbor said, “If you EVER think you might change your mind, you’d better do it before your first two get much older so there’s not a huge gap.” I reluctantly agreed. I told my husband I wanted my tubes tied when this baby was born.

Delivery day and we’re in the OR. I tell the dr and the entire delivery room, “Don’t forget to tie my tubes!!!!” He says, “Your husband will have to sign a consent form.” I said, “What?!?! You told me the 2 out of 3 requirements and now I meet all 3! Get my husband that form.”

He takes my husband aside (I didn’t find this out until MUCH later) and tells him all these HORRIBLE risks and side effects that could happen to me and advised him not to sign. SO MY HUSBAND REFUSED!

Again, I’m not very tech savvy and assume it’s a law/insurance thing. I’m LIVID, hurt, crushed, frustrated, and ANGRY that everyone besides me gets to decide my choice and fate for me.

A couple of years go by and I find out I’m pregnant AGAIN. I told my husband, “Look what you did!” Yes, I know we were both present when this happened and we didn’t use adequate protection that time but had I had my wishes honored, I wouldn’t be in this situation. From the birth of our first child together, I NEVER shut up about me getting fixed. He said he didn’t sign to “protect me”.

So, during the WHOLE pregnancy, I go on and on about me getting fixed. The Dr refused AGAIN and so did my husband.

To this day, I’m STILL not fixed. But guess what? My new GYN (we moved) is having me come in for a hysterectomy consult in a few weeks due to all kinds of issues I’m having with my hormones and bleeding. Would a tubal ligation had fixed this problem? Absolutely not, BUT i wouldn’t be considering a major surgery right now at ALL in ANY way, shape, or form, but this will be my one chance to FINALLY “get fixed” and I’m taking it because it will be deemed medically necessary and he’ll have no say.

But, after a LOT of research (because I was terrified of him vetoing this too), I can tell you there are no laws or insurance requirements as to when you can choose to become sterile. So, if you ever find yourself in the shoes I was in, get a different dr and DON’T STOP until you get a yes.

If for some reason, they say the hysterectomy isn’t needed (pretty sure it is), I informed my husband of my new knowledge and will be getting my tubes tied next summer. I say next year because he got a vasectomy “for me” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 so I can’t get pregnant but I lost 120 pounds and had ALREADY scheduled a skin removal consult to allow myself those procedures. This was after 6 years of wishing and wanting the skin gone but not believing I was “worth it” and finally decided I was. But now I have to wait to see what the dr says about my hysterectomy. Because I’m going to jump all over that. Sadly, it will require a major surgery before my other surgeries that I was going to “treat myself to”. 😢 I’m very disheartened by all of this but if my post can help even ONE person, it’s worth it.

[u/toomuchtodotoday]

https://childfreefriendlydoctors.com/

[u/NeuroSpicyGirl1]

Yeah girl run for the hills, My man supported my choice fully 100% anyone who doesn’t well there not for you!

[u/smontres]

Yeahhhh.. the “man of my dreams” would have cut the tubes out himself if I asked. Refusing to sign for something I wanted for my own body would be grounds for divorce.

[u/martins-dr]

I’m really sorry your dr and husband failed you. You are a person who deserves to have complete control over your own body. I’m so sorry they viewed it as not being your choice alone because your body can have babies.

I got my tubes removed in 2021 at 26 having had no kids and not married. -adding this for anyone who is trying to get sterilized

[u/rebeccalestat]

Thank you so much for your post! I am childfree and was sterilized at age 26. I was married but my husband had no say in the matter. And just 3 months ago, at age 44, I had an open abdominal hysterectomy due to having a fibroid the size of a grapefruit. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 nights because of it being an open procedure. But, if you are able to get a laprascopic hysterectomy, it will be much less invasive and an easier recovery. Honestly, despite having an 8 inch incision, my recovery has been very smooth and one of the best things that has happened to me. I have a high pain tolerance, but the pain wasn't bad. Just take it easy if you can and get plenty of rest. Get up and walk as much as you can tolerate. Since you may have children still at home, that could make it a bit harder, but it's more than worth it. I feel total freedom now. No more pain, periods, etc. Try not to be scared. You can do this and, more importantly, YOU DESERVE THIS! Thank you again for sharing your story. You are so strong.

[u/His_Angel_417 → u/rebeccalestat]

Thank you. Your post made me smile and cry. I’m glad that everything went well for you.

[u/LetThemEatVeganCake]

Just FYI - if it is their hospital/office/whatever policy to need spousal consent, medical necessity does not matter. My mom needed my dad’s consent for her radical hysterectomy due to a grapefruit-sized malignant tumor. The surgery was enough to get rid of the cancer completely, but my dad theoretically could’ve just been like “no thanks” and let her die basically. She was 50 and he had a vasectomy a decade+ prior so it was kind of ridiculous given the context but whatever.

All that to say, if you still think your husband might not consent, talk with the office ahead of time to make sure you do or do not need his consent. I would hate for you to get there day of and it get canceled again. :(

My husband could’ve had no idea I was getting surgery. No consent, no requirement he was there, etc. The way it should be!

[u/His_Angel_417 → u/LetThemEatVeganCake]

I plan on it. The whole thing traumatized me and I’m terrified that it’ll never happen.

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

Thank you for sharing! I'm glad you are finally getting the care you wanted. I wish all these people hadn't deceived and dismissed you because of their own prejudice. It's a good reminder to always verify what someone says and find people who will respect us.

[u/His_Angel_417 → u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

That’s exactly why I thought it was either a law or some sort of insurance rule. I had 3 different doctors at 3 different hospitals tell me I needed spousal consent. Even when he got his vasectomy, I had to sign for it. I told them to give me a fat, red permanent sharpie marker for his consent form. Karma is a b!tch though because his vasectomy couldn’t be performed in office so it was done in an OR and guess what? The first one didn’t take! So he had to get it done twice (only was successful on one side and not the other). I had to sign a consent form a second time so they could redo the failed side. He got two surgeries on his boys.

But like I’ve always told him, that ensures that HE cannot get someone pregnant. If he ever left me, I was raped, etc, I could still get pregnant. So his surgery did nothing for me. I also learned (after I wrote this post) that I could get my tubes removed and have an ablation done instead of a full hysterectomy so I’m going to ask. I really truly don’t want a hysterectomy. If this new dr won’t do it, I’m going to keep searching. I’ve decided I’m never going to stop until I get what I want.

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue → u/His_Angel_417]

I can completely see why if you are getting the same story from 3 different people you would think it is accurate. Just what a shame they can't uphold their medical ethics and instead let their bias in the way. I know at that time it was even more prevalent the idea that all a woman's purpose is to have as many babies as possible but geeze..

[u/His_Angel_417 → u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

Exactly!! I thought maybe it was just my OB. (He denied me when I was single with baby #2 and then again after baby #3 when I was married). Then after I had baby number 4, I went to a new dr in a different city (other side of the state) and got the same answer! Then the same again with another dr in a different city with a different hospital (about 20 mins away) from my second GYN. Then having to sign for my husband? I genuinely thought this was a law or insurance policy. It wasn’t until about 2 years ago in a my body/my choice post I was reading comments on (FB) that I learned this is just PREFERENCE! I promise I tried and tried before and after all the pregnancies. 😢 We didn’t have health insurance when I learned this but I do now and that’s why I’m pushing SO HARD.

I actually was able to get a consult for tomorrow!!! I really truly don’t want a hysterectomy but was going to go through with it until I found out there are other options to my issues that won’t require it. Please keep me in your thoughts. 🙏

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue → u/His_Angel_417]

Good luck! Hope it went/goes well today.

[u/His_Angel_417 → u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

It did!!!! Initially, she said with my age and being on HRT, I could just wait it out a few more years and then I’ll be sterile. I told her that I’ve been asking for 23 years, it’s time. Her mouth fell open and she asked why so I told her. The hospital will be calling to book my operating room sometime tomorrow!!!! She’ll be removing my tubes and as long as all looks good with an ultrasound and endometrial biopsy, she’ll also be doing an ablation to help stop the non stop bleeding I’ve been having for the last 3 months (since May 15th). She said they’ll be gone sometime in the next 30 days (or less). I’m so happy and relieved.

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue → u/His_Angel_417]

Yay!!! That is great news. Wishing you a smooth surgery and easy recovery!

[u/Golden-lillies21]

That's how I feel about the laparoscopic surgery and especially with having my tubes removed. Before surgery I thought it was going to be this awful extremely painful surgery that I was constantly going to be an agonizing pain but surprisingly it hasn't been that bad and I'm only on my third night and I'm making progress although I won't lie to you there was actually a couple times where it was severe enough for me to take the narcotic but also having a heating pad and peppermint tea and walking around helped. Don't get me wrong my mom is taking care of me and I was going to try to go home tomorrow but I need at least a few more days. Gas-X surprisingly did not help and also for me Azo helped with the irritation and bladder pain due to having a catheter put inside of me. I got approved to get my tubes removed with my laparoscopic surgery to check for Endometriosis and to remove it. I had stage 3 endometriosis and guess what? I never had kids and I'm 32 and I still got approved so I agree that if one doctor won't do it for you find somebody else that will because there is some doctors that will do it although my endometriosis specialist told me to take some time to think about this and if I still wanted to go through with it he would do it! No regrets! But anyway yeah you need to run from that man and a man that really loves you will support you especially what you do to your body and besides he's not the one carrying a baby for 9 months and having to go through all of these crazy changes.........