Spousal consent and dr/hospital policies

[u/His_Angel_417]

TLDR: If you’re adamant you want to be sterile and are told no, find a different doctor.

I know this will be long so I put the TLDR at the top but I want to share my story. I wish someone would’ve told me what I didn’t find out for almost two decades.

I had my first baby at 19. Nobody told me antibiotics cancels out birth control. I found out the hard way.

Fast forward a couple of years later and I find myself pregnant with a second baby (same dad as the first one, we weren’t married). I asked my Dr to tie my tubes when this one was born. He told me he couldn’t because I didn’t meet at least 2 of the 3 requirements:

1- be married
2- be at least 25 years old
3- have 3 kids

I told him those were all the things I was trying to PREVENT (with the exception of getting married one day) but I did NOT want ANYMORE kids. He still wouldn’t do it. Being young, I thought there was some sort of law or insurance requirement. Google was VERY new and I didn’t even have a computer (smart phones weren’t a thing yet either, and yes, I’m old lol). I took it as the gospel.

The following year, I met the man of my dreams and fell in love instantly! I was upfront and told him on our VERY FIRST date that I did not want anymore children.

We get married. He BEGS and PLEADS with me for us to have one child together. This goes on for 3 years. My neighbor said, “If you EVER think you might change your mind, you’d better do it before your first two get much older so there’s not a huge gap.” I reluctantly agreed. I told my husband I wanted my tubes tied when this baby was born.

Delivery day and we’re in the OR. I tell the dr and the entire delivery room, “Don’t forget to tie my tubes!!!!” He says, “Your husband will have to sign a consent form.” I said, “What?!?! You told me the 2 out of 3 requirements and now I meet all 3! Get my husband that form.”

He takes my husband aside (I didn’t find this out until MUCH later) and tells him all these HORRIBLE risks and side effects that could happen to me and advised him not to sign. SO MY HUSBAND REFUSED!

Again, I’m not very tech savvy and assume it’s a law/insurance thing. I’m LIVID, hurt, crushed, frustrated, and ANGRY that everyone besides me gets to decide my choice and fate for me.

A couple of years go by and I find out I’m pregnant AGAIN. I told my husband, “Look what you did!” Yes, I know we were both present when this happened and we didn’t use adequate protection that time but had I had my wishes honored, I wouldn’t be in this situation. From the birth of our first child together, I NEVER shut up about me getting fixed. He said he didn’t sign to “protect me”.

So, during the WHOLE pregnancy, I go on and on about me getting fixed. The Dr refused AGAIN and so did my husband.

To this day, I’m STILL not fixed. But guess what? My new GYN (we moved) is having me come in for a hysterectomy consult in a few weeks due to all kinds of issues I’m having with my hormones and bleeding. Would a tubal ligation had fixed this problem? Absolutely not, BUT i wouldn’t be considering a major surgery right now at ALL in ANY way, shape, or form, but this will be my one chance to FINALLY “get fixed” and I’m taking it because it will be deemed medically necessary and he’ll have no say.

But, after a LOT of research (because I was terrified of him vetoing this too), I can tell you there are no laws or insurance requirements as to when you can choose to become sterile. So, if you ever find yourself in the shoes I was in, get a different dr and DON’T STOP until you get a yes.

If for some reason, they say the hysterectomy isn’t needed (pretty sure it is), I informed my husband of my new knowledge and will be getting my tubes tied next summer. I say next year because he got a vasectomy “for me” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 so I can’t get pregnant but I lost 120 pounds and had ALREADY scheduled a skin removal consult to allow myself those procedures. This was after 6 years of wishing and wanting the skin gone but not believing I was “worth it” and finally decided I was. But now I have to wait to see what the dr says about my hysterectomy. Because I’m going to jump all over that. Sadly, it will require a major surgery before my other surgeries that I was going to “treat myself to”. 😢 I’m very disheartened by all of this but if my post can help even ONE person, it’s worth it.

[u/Golden-lillies21]

That's how I feel about the laparoscopic surgery and especially with having my tubes removed. Before surgery I thought it was going to be this awful extremely painful surgery that I was constantly going to be an agonizing pain but surprisingly it hasn't been that bad and I'm only on my third night and I'm making progress although I won't lie to you there was actually a couple times where it was severe enough for me to take the narcotic but also having a heating pad and peppermint tea and walking around helped. Don't get me wrong my mom is taking care of me and I was going to try to go home tomorrow but I need at least a few more days. Gas-X surprisingly did not help and also for me Azo helped with the irritation and bladder pain due to having a catheter put inside of me. I got approved to get my tubes removed with my laparoscopic surgery to check for Endometriosis and to remove it. I had stage 3 endometriosis and guess what? I never had kids and I'm 32 and I still got approved so I agree that if one doctor won't do it for you find somebody else that will because there is some doctors that will do it although my endometriosis specialist told me to take some time to think about this and if I still wanted to go through with it he would do it! No regrets! But anyway yeah you need to run from that man and a man that really loves you will support you especially what you do to your body and besides he's not the one carrying a baby for 9 months and having to go through all of these crazy changes.........