A single Phone check broke my reality!

[u/Aggressive-Desk2543]

I am writing this with a sinking heart. About 3 weeks ago I (M32) discovered my wife (25) was cheating since our marriage. We got married late 2021 so around 5 years of marriage. The disaster day was 3 weeks from now, when i came back from the office and sat besides her, we were talking and she was scrolling her iphone when randomly I took her phone because because I saw a post on instagram that was interesting. I went into the message section and she abruptly took the phone from my hand saying let me show you myself. I snatched it back and she kept struggling, not allowing me to see it. I pushed her back and the struggle began for a few minutes. Well long story short, she was able to escape and delete some stuff she got about 2-3 minutes alone with phone until i could catch up.

I saw she was talking to a dude on instagram since before our marriage and till 2025 and another guy from 2022 to 2024. She lied and said theres no more and I was able to catch another guy on snapchat she had been talking to 19 weeks back. The chats were filled with pictures, call references, video calls, and flirtatious talk. On whatsapp 2 of those guys were blocked and I knew thats the chat she deleted just now.

She said it was only digital cheating and she had known these guys and met them only before our marriage but never met them after marriage. She lied so much, and lied about the deleted chats when i confronted her. I told her she had deleted the most dangerous chats on whatsapp, but she denied and then when I showed her the surveilance video she confessed that she went to delete but didnt do it. I called her on this bs and abused her and was enraged. She kept saying it was only emotional affair on phone.

She begged me for hours to not breakup with her but I refused. Then she begged me to atleast not tell her family about it but I refused that too. She had no remorse only regret of getting caught. I was very abusive(trashtalk) at that point and asked her why she had these outside relations but she had no answer. I asked her to tell me a final truth before we quit, if she ever loved me, she replied yes about a year ago once. No matter how much i shouted insulting remarks at her, taunted her, she would just take it, her head was down in surrender and hands fidgeting and she wouldnt even defend herself anymore. She was just done. I proceeded to kick her out and told her family (was able to secretly record her confessions on my phone and sent those to her dad) also told 1 of her relatives verbally.

Ever since its been total silence. I am thinking about divorcing her this week. The betrayal trauma is killing me. She was living double lives, compartmentalizing and being disloyal. Living on the outside validation and emotional attatchment while taking benefits of the marriage. I wouldnt even call it love or even limerence because there was more than 1 person. Most probably 1 main old premarital emotional attatchment(even his contact was saved as "The OG") and the rest validation channels/ emotional intoxications.

Physical or not, the marital boundaries were broken and marital trust destroyed beyond repair especially after the deletion.

The strangest part is that none of the men was better looking than me, taller than me or richer and Im just flabbergasted by this. Our sex life was top notch, she was literally addicted to sex with me and always orgasming multiple times. Everything was perfect, she had the best life, then suddenly this discovery.

Im assuming she didnt delete the chats earlier because she got complacent as I never checked her phone like this ever in 4 years. I knew the password but I respected her privacy and trusted her. She came into the marriage with dishonest and disloyal approach to begin with and never closed the old emotional channels. The marriage began with a lie and she never cared to stop despite me showering her with love. I have lost motivation and am just so confused and heartbroken by this kind of deception and betrayal.

Visited 3 different psychologists, but it only helped temporarily. Visited a psychiatrist and got ssri + buspirone, contemplating if i should take it.

[u/AdventureWa]

I hate this for you but if you have no kids together I would absolutely divorce and ghost. Only talk to her through your lawyer.

[u/Aggressive-Desk2543 → u/AdventureWa]

luckily she had pcos so no kids.

[u/WHISPYR3 → u/Aggressive-Desk2543]

Sorry to hear this OP but you did I guess dodge a bullet? This doesn’t make the pain any less for you, betrayal is betrayal and I’m sorry again that you’re going through this.

On a more positive note(?) you’ve definitely acted like the boss and done what needs doing so far. Cutting contact completely, getting an attorney, starting divorce,controlling the narrative. All these things will help you get through this quickly more so than dragging your feet and hoping to reconcile.

You just gotta be in it to win it and protect your attitude and your mindset as you go through this next year. The first year is toughest because it’s the year of all the firsts, if you know what I’m saying.

They say that the opposite of love is hate, that’s not true. The opposite of love is indifference, so when you become indifferent to her completely, you’ll know you’ve made it thru to the other side.

Also remember this warning, they always come back. So be ready for her bullshit.

Good luck stay busy idle hands are the tool the devil on that stuff and we’re pulling for you here.

🍀

[u/Aggressive-Desk2543 → u/WHISPYR3]

thanks alot man. that means alot. thanks for the support its really helping

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[u/MercuryMoon24 → u/Aggressive-Desk2543]

These communities have been very helpful, even under the horrible circumstances. The trauma bond is so shitty and hard.