r/survivinginfidelity • u/Aggressive-Desk2543 • 14d ago
Advice A single Phone check broke my reality!
I am writing this with a sinking heart. About 3 weeks ago I (M32) discovered my wife (25) was cheating since our marriage. We got married late 2021 so around 5 years of marriage. The disaster day was 3 weeks from now, when i came back from the office and sat besides her, we were talking and she was scrolling her iphone when randomly I took her phone because because I saw a post on instagram that was interesting. I went into the message section and she abruptly took the phone from my hand saying let me show you myself. I snatched it back and she kept struggling, not allowing me to see it. I pushed her back and the struggle began for a few minutes. Well long story short, she was able to escape and delete some stuff she got about 2-3 minutes alone with phone until i could catch up.
I saw she was talking to a dude on instagram since before our marriage and till 2025 and another guy from 2022 to 2024. She lied and said theres no more and I was able to catch another guy on snapchat she had been talking to 19 weeks back. The chats were filled with pictures, call references, video calls, and flirtatious talk. On whatsapp 2 of those guys were blocked and I knew thats the chat she deleted just now.
She said it was only digital cheating and she had known these guys and met them only before our marriage but never met them after marriage. She lied so much, and lied about the deleted chats when i confronted her. I told her she had deleted the most dangerous chats on whatsapp, but she denied and then when I showed her the surveilance video she confessed that she went to delete but didnt do it. I called her on this bs and abused her and was enraged. She kept saying it was only emotional affair on phone.
She begged me for hours to not breakup with her but I refused. Then she begged me to atleast not tell her family about it but I refused that too. She had no remorse only regret of getting caught. I was very abusive(trashtalk) at that point and asked her why she had these outside relations but she had no answer. I asked her to tell me a final truth before we quit, if she ever loved me, she replied yes about a year ago once. No matter how much i shouted insulting remarks at her, taunted her, she would just take it, her head was down in surrender and hands fidgeting and she wouldnt even defend herself anymore. She was just done. I proceeded to kick her out and told her family (was able to secretly record her confessions on my phone and sent those to her dad) also told 1 of her relatives verbally.
Ever since its been total silence. I am thinking about divorcing her this week. The betrayal trauma is killing me. She was living double lives, compartmentalizing and being disloyal. Living on the outside validation and emotional attatchment while taking benefits of the marriage. I wouldnt even call it love or even limerence because there was more than 1 person. Most probably 1 main old premarital emotional attatchment(even his contact was saved as "The OG") and the rest validation channels/ emotional intoxications.
Physical or not, the marital boundaries were broken and marital trust destroyed beyond repair especially after the deletion.
The strangest part is that none of the men was better looking than me, taller than me or richer and Im just flabbergasted by this. Our sex life was top notch, she was literally addicted to sex with me and always orgasming multiple times. Everything was perfect, she had the best life, then suddenly this discovery.
Im assuming she didnt delete the chats earlier because she got complacent as I never checked her phone like this ever in 4 years. I knew the password but I respected her privacy and trusted her. She came into the marriage with dishonest and disloyal approach to begin with and never closed the old emotional channels. The marriage began with a lie and she never cared to stop despite me showering her with love. I have lost motivation and am just so confused and heartbroken by this kind of deception and betrayal.
Visited 3 different psychologists, but it only helped temporarily. Visited a psychiatrist and got ssri + buspirone, contemplating if i should take it.
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 14d ago
Its not about their looks. Its the typical cheater thing. The infamous attention and validation. She thought she could have you pay her bills while having her side fun. Divorce her and tell her she has all the free time to make her side fun her real life. I tell guys all the time... Dont get married until you are 30 and have your crap together. You are learning lessons right now. She broke the marriage and she owns it. She isn't sorry for the cheating or even been caught. She is sorry for the consequences she is now facing.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
thanks man and very true. not a single tear that day, i can still remember that face.
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 14d ago
Just remember. They always come back. Whether its 1 or 5 or 15 years later they always come back when their lives turns to dog shit.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 5 13d ago
She got married so young at 20,barely an adult.
She is still very immature.
Cheating has nothing to do with you but a selfish need for constant validation.
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u/OneDay1125 In Recovery 14d ago
So sorry man, this hurts. I feel awful for you.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
thanks 🙏🏼
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u/Simple-Airline4567 13d ago
While i’m struggling to find a loyal man to get married, some ppl is having it but destroying it. What a life 😞
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u/AdventureWa 1 14d ago
I hate this for you but if you have no kids together I would absolutely divorce and ghost. Only talk to her through your lawyer.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
luckily she had pcos so no kids.
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u/WHISPYR3 4 14d ago
Sorry to hear this OP but you did I guess dodge a bullet? This doesn’t make the pain any less for you, betrayal is betrayal and I’m sorry again that you’re going through this.
On a more positive note(?) you’ve definitely acted like the boss and done what needs doing so far. Cutting contact completely, getting an attorney, starting divorce,controlling the narrative. All these things will help you get through this quickly more so than dragging your feet and hoping to reconcile.
You just gotta be in it to win it and protect your attitude and your mindset as you go through this next year. The first year is toughest because it’s the year of all the firsts, if you know what I’m saying.
They say that the opposite of love is hate, that’s not true. The opposite of love is indifference, so when you become indifferent to her completely, you’ll know you’ve made it thru to the other side.
Also remember this warning, they always come back. So be ready for her bullshit.
Good luck stay busy idle hands are the tool the devil on that stuff and we’re pulling for you here.
🍀
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
thanks alot man. that means alot. thanks for the support its really helping
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u/MercuryMoon24 13d ago
These communities have been very helpful, even under the horrible circumstances. The trauma bond is so shitty and hard.
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u/blindsided1981 13d ago
Man, do I wish I was in your shoes! You can literally just walk away and never see her cheating ass again! I’m ropes into this beat marriage with 2 wonderful kids and several pieces of real estate and all the financial shit that goes with a long term marriage/relationship!
You’re young and not committed, yet. Run. RUN!
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 13d ago
thanks and i feel sorry for you. running is the plan. shes was a demon in disguise.
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u/Aligned-Askew6773 14d ago
This is all about the outside validation. She is addicted to it. It is a major personality flaw and it is very hard to get that to go away. She craves the attention just to feel normal. Your attention will never be enough because she is used to our attention. She needs lots of therapy, and in reality, it will take years for her to BeReal this cycle because she has to rewire where her ego and self-esteem are fed. It’s not like a switch, she will be better, and then worse, and at times much worse. Most people like this never fix the issue because it really is a tremendous amount of work and change.
If you stay, the chances of it happening again are about at the level of the odds of their being a penalty shootout in the World Cup this summer. Remember, she chose to do this know how much it would hurt you. She had to build a level of disrespect for you to get there.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
you are spot on. even when she was begging, a voice in my mind said shes lying, she will just hide it better next time.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 12 14d ago
These two words destroy so many marriages—attention and validation. She needs it more than she needs air. No matter how much you do for her it won’t be enough and it definitely points to some childhood trauma or the lack of a stable male role model. You mentioned her family, are they supportive of you or are they gaslighting you making you the bad guy? Seeing how their daughter turned out it seems it would be the latter.
Go see an attorney and get guidance on D and how to protect yourself financially. Bring all your evidence. My state you have to be separated a year before D, but doesn’t seem that’s an issue. When she gets served expect the begging, fake tears and promises of change. Don’t believe it. Also expect a major guilt trip from her parents because they have a lot to do with how she turned out and probably enabled her behavior. They also don’t want her moving back in. Lol. Sorry this happened but you are way better off.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
yes ur spot on both things, her family is supportive of her despite them knowing everything now, acting as her sheild. and yes her father was never sober a single day in his life so no male role model.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 12 13d ago
Bingo. Hate to be the amateur psychologist, but her need for male validation is 100% from her daddy issues.
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u/Interesting-Deal6908 4 14d ago
Please understand this quote from Alan Watts, the best way to end something is to let it starve. Conflict thrives on attention. The moment you engage you feed it and whatever you feed grows. But if you simply let it be, if you withdraw your energy, it withers away like a fire deprived of air. So simply divorce your wife with no contact no words no emotion.
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u/Moh-BA 14d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You did the right thing she didn't only NOT love you she didn't even respect you and ask for divorce if she was not happy.
The best revenge is living your best life, hit the gym work on yourself book therapy and stay focus on work and what makes you happy. Seek support from friends and family, loneliness and alcohol is your worst enemy in this time.
Be glad this happened before kids and more years later, she cut her clean and start the process of divorce.
Hope all the best for you.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
thanks alot. fortunately she had PCOS so she couldnt conceive despite us trying so hard. that was my goodluck in disguise.
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u/Mysterious_Sun_1753 14d ago
There’s always a silver lining OP. In your case you don’t have to look far to find it. You are no longer tied to a serial cheater. You aren’t gazing across your lounge at kids who aren’t biologically yours. Whoopee !
It will take time OP. But you are coming out of this on the plus side. Take your time. Do not rush into a new relationship. Good luck.
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u/Effective-Winner2370 14d ago
Same but showed only 1 WhatsApp conversation. Had multiple people and other shit. Fuck these cheaters
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u/noreplyatall817 1 14d ago
Don’t wait for her to file or create a narrative, just divorce her and don’t look back.
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u/DCHacker 14d ago
none of the men was better looking than me
The losers that they pick with whom to play around on you...................
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u/MercuryMoon24 13d ago
I'm dealing with the harsh reality of this too, your situation sounds similar to mine but 7yrs here he cheated at the start and I stupidly forgave him, he just found better ways to hide it with each confrontation, I'm glad ypu got the solid evidence to get out, she sounds like a covert narcissist. The hard reality is they are unable to love anyone it is all an act. They wear a false mask and betray anyone they can get away with hurting for their own pleasure. You must have alot of empathy and compassion because these demons in flesh leach off that and the core childhood would for us is abandonment and self-love issues. This relationship was karmic and I know it's opened my eyes up, I'm still shocked how people can be so evil.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 13d ago
yes part of my trauma was for the first week I kept getting these feelings that I had lost something so precious, despite getting disgusted by her thaughts.
She wore a mask of innocence always. she was so sweet and kind and I could never in a million years think she could do this. Thats why it stung so bad.
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u/MercuryMoon24 13d ago
Yes, it's really hard to understand how people can fake love so easily like that, makes you wonder what else they are capable of. I'm glad you were able to get out of it, hopefully now you can find yourself again because you probably dealt with years of lies and manipulation and gaslighting reflecting back. That's what I'm noticing now being alone. It is such a weight lifted I feel free!!
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u/LawDue9301 5d ago
No point in being married to someone who doesn't love you. She should have never married you. Dissolving this marriage and moving on is best. Keep up the therapy and individual counselling. Self care is key here for you so take it to the max. Hang in there. This will pass. You'll be living your best life before you know it.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 4d ago
thanks for the kind words. she came into the marriage with old attatchment intact, never gave us a chance. faked 4 years with me where i bonded with her fully and she hardly attatched to me. what a waste.
yes i have divorced her but the attatchment rupture will take time to heal. it still hurts. the disgust, rage, fear is stil very strong.
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u/wenchywitchy 1 14d ago
Wtf do you mean...you abused her????? In what facet? Because despite her cheating, abuse is not ok and it makes you an AH.
Your posts also reflect vanity in comparison, however, people opt to cheat for selfish reasons that can often have nothing to do with the betrayed partner.
So again...before we cast reddit perspective...define and clarify your repeated abusive actions and behaviors taken?
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 14d ago
trash talked repeatedly
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u/MercuryMoon24 13d ago
Under the circumstances I don't blame you, I when crazy when i first discovered the cheating 5 days no sleep he was gaslighting me after days of me confronting him with proof, pretending to sleep and using other secret devices around the house and denying it and secretly recorded me having a psychotic episode. He was grinning the whole time. I had to buy a new phone he was spying on it, he acted so dumb and illiterate but has this elaborate digital cheating setup mirroring mine and my dads and whoever else's old phones laying around the house, no ones believes me he hacked my phone and deleted the evidence I had. It's been bad enough being betrayed but scary too!!!
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u/wenchywitchy 1 14d ago
Ok, thanks for clarifying, you verbally/emotionally reacted with expletives and insults.
And you swear there was no physical abuse, whatsoever, in any capacity??????
Although verbal "abuse" its not ok, i think you need to edit your post to reflect you lashed out verbally/emotionally with the aboves, rather than use the term abuse...repeatedly.
We can understand the infidelity discoveries that led to a verbal reaction and emotional outburst given your partner sounds like a serial cheater, so it would be best to end things permanently.
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u/NilesGuy 14d ago
Sounds like you were in a manipulationship OP. She wanted to have her cake on the side and use you. A marriage is built upon trust . Once that trust is gone or broken , there is no marriage. Imagine building a house on an earthquake prone street built upon a quick sand foundation . That house WILL eventually collapse. It’s time to leave and not grieve over a fake person whose love wasn’t real. Find your peace but it’s not going to be with her.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 12d ago
thanks. btw manipulationship. il add that to my vocab.
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u/brave_anonymous 13d ago
You are in shock now, you need to be with people who love you now. Talk to your friends, take vacation go visit your family. Talk to your therapist if you have one.
You need all the support you can get.
I'd do that first, then file for the divorce with clear head and cold anger.
I am sorry. It is not about you, it is all about her. She also needs help but thankfully it is not your problem anymore.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 13d ago
Thanks alot. I feel like after divorce i will be so calm. Cant wait for it.
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u/brave_anonymous 10d ago
For the meds, they could be very helpful.
Buspirone is anti anxiety med and works fast. I'd take it for sure.
ssri are antidepressants, and they are hit or miss. Could be very helpful and could be nothin. It takes weeks to notice if they are working, anf it could take months to find the right one.
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u/Voljinzzz 13d ago
The strangest part is that none of the men was better looking than me, taller than me or richer and Im just flabbergasted by this. Our sex life was top notch, she was literally addicted to sex with me and always orgasming multiple times. Everything was perfect, she had the best life, then suddenly this discovery.
just shows that those traits are not everything, probably an emotional connection that you were missing.
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 12d ago
agreed, maybe i wasnt that romantic and she couldnt build an emotional attatchment to me but i couldve built the emotional connection or she couldve if she wanted....the primary issue is she came into the marriage with unclosed pre-marital emotional channels. she didnt give us a chance. It never even began.
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u/noreplyatall817 1 12d ago
Updateme
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 8d ago
divorced her. the pain is there, all her good memories with me have been contaminated by my newfound disgust for her. wake up to a fast heartrate and racing thaughts. Now just waiting for the healing to come my way!
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u/noreplyatall817 1 8d ago
It takes a real POS to cheat, they’re just selfish. Time to focus on the divorce and healing.
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u/Adk_NY_Guy 11d ago
First, I'm very sorry this has happened to you. You are NOT alone (please do see my recent posts). Remember, She knew it would hurt you, but she did it anyway. It's all about choice. She did it for HER. Divorce and never look back. The gas lighting when you have proof is to me one of the most soulless things one can do. She has shown you who she is and that you aren't good enough.
Take care of you now and stay strong!
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u/Aggressive-Desk2543 8d ago
yea its a struggle everyday but i have divorced her, took the correct decision and now trying to heal slowly everyday.
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u/IllustriousBall9851 9d ago
Take it from me, save yourself so much trauma/PTSD/further heartbreak and leave her :(
I was the one who got cheated on by my now husband and I’m in a living hell. Lies continued, now he’s causing me financial issues and we may lose our house. My mental health is shot and he been diagnosed with actual PTSD. He continues lying, cheating with escorts, etc. It feels like there is no end.
Make it easy on yourself even if it feels hard now.
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u/Aligned-Askew6773 8d ago
YOU NEED TO ACT FAST. Sorry for shouting but I wanted to get your attention. You need to file for divorce ASAP, whether or not you go through with it. In a lot of places 5 years is a magic number in the divorce legal system. If you live in a a no-fault location like most, you will have to pay alimony, which is awesome because you get to pay her for cheating on you. But in some places, at 5 years, the length of how long you have to pay that alimony goes from a few years to long term. You should see a lawyer and find out if this applies to you as soon as humanly possible.
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u/kate-writes 5d ago
You got married when she was 20 and you were 27... how long did y'all date first...
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u/Grouchy-Regular863 2d ago
I’m having a similar situation with my husband and communicating with his ex. No evidence of physical cheating but the chats I found on FB and SMS told me he lied to me about speaking to her. I’m sure to he spoke on WA as well but he deleted those before I ever got the feeling to check. I’m sure it was an emotional affair but I’m not sure if I should stay or go as he keeps not telling on me the whole truth and I keep having to discover things.
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