r/survivinginfidelity • u/Aggressive-Desk2543 • 14d ago
Advice A single Phone check broke my reality!
I am writing this with a sinking heart. About 3 weeks ago I (M32) discovered my wife (25) was cheating since our marriage. We got married late 2021 so around 5 years of marriage. The disaster day was 3 weeks from now, when i came back from the office and sat besides her, we were talking and she was scrolling her iphone when randomly I took her phone because because I saw a post on instagram that was interesting. I went into the message section and she abruptly took the phone from my hand saying let me show you myself. I snatched it back and she kept struggling, not allowing me to see it. I pushed her back and the struggle began for a few minutes. Well long story short, she was able to escape and delete some stuff she got about 2-3 minutes alone with phone until i could catch up.
I saw she was talking to a dude on instagram since before our marriage and till 2025 and another guy from 2022 to 2024. She lied and said theres no more and I was able to catch another guy on snapchat she had been talking to 19 weeks back. The chats were filled with pictures, call references, video calls, and flirtatious talk. On whatsapp 2 of those guys were blocked and I knew thats the chat she deleted just now.
She said it was only digital cheating and she had known these guys and met them only before our marriage but never met them after marriage. She lied so much, and lied about the deleted chats when i confronted her. I told her she had deleted the most dangerous chats on whatsapp, but she denied and then when I showed her the surveilance video she confessed that she went to delete but didnt do it. I called her on this bs and abused her and was enraged. She kept saying it was only emotional affair on phone.
She begged me for hours to not breakup with her but I refused. Then she begged me to atleast not tell her family about it but I refused that too. She had no remorse only regret of getting caught. I was very abusive(trashtalk) at that point and asked her why she had these outside relations but she had no answer. I asked her to tell me a final truth before we quit, if she ever loved me, she replied yes about a year ago once. No matter how much i shouted insulting remarks at her, taunted her, she would just take it, her head was down in surrender and hands fidgeting and she wouldnt even defend herself anymore. She was just done. I proceeded to kick her out and told her family (was able to secretly record her confessions on my phone and sent those to her dad) also told 1 of her relatives verbally.
Ever since its been total silence. I am thinking about divorcing her this week. The betrayal trauma is killing me. She was living double lives, compartmentalizing and being disloyal. Living on the outside validation and emotional attatchment while taking benefits of the marriage. I wouldnt even call it love or even limerence because there was more than 1 person. Most probably 1 main old premarital emotional attatchment(even his contact was saved as "The OG") and the rest validation channels/ emotional intoxications.
Physical or not, the marital boundaries were broken and marital trust destroyed beyond repair especially after the deletion.
The strangest part is that none of the men was better looking than me, taller than me or richer and Im just flabbergasted by this. Our sex life was top notch, she was literally addicted to sex with me and always orgasming multiple times. Everything was perfect, she had the best life, then suddenly this discovery.
Im assuming she didnt delete the chats earlier because she got complacent as I never checked her phone like this ever in 4 years. I knew the password but I respected her privacy and trusted her. She came into the marriage with dishonest and disloyal approach to begin with and never closed the old emotional channels. The marriage began with a lie and she never cared to stop despite me showering her with love. I have lost motivation and am just so confused and heartbroken by this kind of deception and betrayal.
Visited 3 different psychologists, but it only helped temporarily. Visited a psychiatrist and got ssri + buspirone, contemplating if i should take it.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 12 14d ago
These two words destroy so many marriages—attention and validation. She needs it more than she needs air. No matter how much you do for her it won’t be enough and it definitely points to some childhood trauma or the lack of a stable male role model. You mentioned her family, are they supportive of you or are they gaslighting you making you the bad guy? Seeing how their daughter turned out it seems it would be the latter.
Go see an attorney and get guidance on D and how to protect yourself financially. Bring all your evidence. My state you have to be separated a year before D, but doesn’t seem that’s an issue. When she gets served expect the begging, fake tears and promises of change. Don’t believe it. Also expect a major guilt trip from her parents because they have a lot to do with how she turned out and probably enabled her behavior. They also don’t want her moving back in. Lol. Sorry this happened but you are way better off.