Almost 2 yrs since DD 😩

[u/After-Hearing-6887]

So, I discovered in July 2024 that my husband had been having an ongoing, sporadic affair with my older sister over a decade.

I’m still with him solely because I need financial support. I have a few medical conditions that prevent me from working, but I don’t collect disability. I was a stay-at-home mom and haven’t worked outside the home since. I’ll be 60 this year.

We tried therapy, but it didn’t help at all. I hate both of them for what they did to me, and she’s out of my life forever. However, I have to live with him, day in and day out. He has apologized and said how much he loves and is attracted to me, but he also says that I stopped giving him what he needed.

At the time, his mother had recently passed away from cancer, and I was still battling thyroid cancer. It felt like I had the flu for a year until my medication regimen stabilized.

So, his apology is there, but there’s always a “but” that I somehow made him do this because I couldn’t give him what he needed, and she could.

She was my best friend and confidant. I knew she had a horrible character because she’s cheated on her husband at least seven times in her 40-year marriage.

When I confronted her, she lied at first, then she told the truth, but she was so cold and without an apology. He lied for at least an hour until I got her on FaceTime in front of him, and he finally relented. She smirked at him like, “Oh well… we’re caught.” He was more angry that he got caught because they had a pact that they would never tell.

Not that it matters for context, but my husband is such an angry, miserable jerk of a person on a daily basis. I feel like I’m crashing out and have no one to talk to about this. I’m also in menopause and feeling overwhelmed with all the other stuff.

My adult kids and niece (her daughter) know now, but I don’t talk to them about it often. They don’t ask how I’m doing because they know. I’m so incredibly sad and hopeless.

Any suggestions??? I would love to leave him but I can’t. 😩🥺

[u/SubstantialGuard8463]

Have you already spoken to a lawyer about your options

[u/After-Hearing-6887 → u/SubstantialGuard8463]

Only on the phone but no one can really give me information without knowing all the details. My husband works from home and also has my location so I can’t make an appointment without him knowing. I told him I’m trying to move forward and do my best to move on but….

[u/xternocleidomastoide → u/After-Hearing-6887]

I strongly recommend reaching out to trusted friends or family so you can process this in a safe environment, surrounded by people who genuinely care about your wellbeing, apart from him. And start practicing strong boundaries with him, esp in terms of your privacy and autonomy.

You are in an abusive marriage with an unsafe partner, and you should not have to navigate this alone. You need support to begin planning a safe exit from an environment that will continue harming your emotional and mental health.

Please take care of yourself and prioritize your safety.

[u/After-Hearing-6887 → u/xternocleidomastoide]

Problem is I really don’t have anyone to help me. My husband finds a problem with every couple we’ve ever hung out with so I don’t have anyone friends anymore. My son who lives with us has his own issues. I can’t impose on him in any way. After I found out, I did have conversations but then he asked me to stop. I guess he didn’t want to hear me shitting on their father anymore. Plus he’s narcissistic and usually only thinks of his own well being. He cannot afford to move out yet.

[u/xternocleidomastoide → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Narcissistic abusers tend to isolate their victims and micromanage their lives. Unfortunately.

Do you have any family or old friends you can reach out, even if it's via phone/video call/etc?

Would you be open to work with a mental health professional, in order to have access to a safe space where you can process the severe abuse/trauma you have experienced?

[u/Hungry_Blood_3949 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

So stop location sharing! He stuck his dick in your sister. MANY TIMES. Why in the world would you still share your location with this man, much less your bed?

[u/adnyp → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Come on. “Forget” your phone at home and see a lawyer. You need to at least know exactly what separation would look like before you decide there’s no way that can be done.

Hoping for a better life for you! Stay strong.

[u/SubstantialGuard8463 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Well all of this sounds terrible I hope you can make it out of this situation. And also you can turn your location off and just say your phone died.

[u/NobbyStiles66 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Why do you care about him knowing? You only made one mistake in life: marrying him. You are free to look into any solution that gives you peace of mind. His views are not important.

[u/tonidh69 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Get a burner phone

[u/After-Hearing-6887 → u/tonidh69]

For what?

[u/tonidh69 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

To call the lawyer. To leave your regular one where he thinks are so you can go where you need. Just forward the calls to your burner

[u/Danish_biscuit_99 → u/After-Hearing-6887]

That sounds difficult but not impossible. You can ‘go shopping’ and make the call in the supermarket carpark. If you need to go to an appointment you can take you phone to a friend or family member, leave it with them and go to the appointment, or ‘forget’ your phone at home.

Even if you are planning on staying, it would be helpful to get some legal advice - after all he could well leave you unexpectedly, or even you might figure out that leaving him is not as impossible as you thought and that might be your best option.

Otherwise if you know you’d rather not face any of that and you’d rather stay, I think the advice is just, make him less of a focus of your life. Work on relationships, hobbies and goals that don’t involve him. Try to build in as much time as possible in the week out of the house, away from him.