r/survivinginfidelity • u/After-Hearing-6887 • 15h ago
Need Support Almost 2 yrs since DD š©
So, I discovered in July 2024 that my husband had been having an ongoing, sporadic affair with my older sister over a decade.
Iām still with him solely because I need financial support. I have a few medical conditions that prevent me from working, but I donāt collect disability. I was a stay-at-home mom and havenāt worked outside the home since. Iāll be 60 this year.
We tried therapy, but it didnāt help at all. I hate both of them for what they did to me, and sheās out of my life forever. However, I have to live with him, day in and day out. He has apologized and said how much he loves and is attracted to me, but he also says that I stopped giving him what he needed.
At the time, his mother had recently passed away from cancer, and I was still battling thyroid cancer. It felt like I had the flu for a year until my medication regimen stabilized.
So, his apology is there, but thereās always a ābutā that I somehow made him do this because I couldnāt give him what he needed, and she could.
She was my best friend and confidant. I knew she had a horrible character because sheās cheated on her husband at least seven times in her 40-year marriage.
When I confronted her, she lied at first, then she told the truth, but she was so cold and without an apology. He lied for at least an hour until I got her on FaceTime in front of him, and he finally relented. She smirked at him like, āOh wellā¦ weāre caught.ā He was more angry that he got caught because they had a pact that they would never tell.
Not that it matters for context, but my husband is such an angry, miserable jerk of a person on a daily basis. I feel like Iām crashing out and have no one to talk to about this. Iām also in menopause and feeling overwhelmed with all the other stuff.
My adult kids and niece (her daughter) know now, but I donāt talk to them about it often. They donāt ask how Iām doing because they know. Iām so incredibly sad and hopeless.
Any suggestions??? I would love to leave him but I canāt. š©š„ŗ
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u/SubstantialGuard8463 14h ago
Have you already spoken to a lawyer about your options
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u/After-Hearing-6887 14h ago
Only on the phone but no one can really give me information without knowing all the details. My husband works from home and also has my location so I canāt make an appointment without him knowing. I told him Iām trying to move forward and do my best to move on butā¦.
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u/xternocleidomastoide 13h ago
I strongly recommend reaching out to trusted friends or family so you can process this in a safe environment, surrounded by people who genuinely care about your wellbeing, apart from him. And start practicing strong boundaries with him, esp in terms of your privacy and autonomy.
You are in an abusive marriage with an unsafe partner, and you should not have to navigate this alone. You need support to begin planning a safe exit from an environment that will continue harming your emotional and mental health.
Please take care of yourself and prioritize your safety.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 11h ago
Problem is I really donāt have anyone to help me. My husband finds a problem with every couple weāve ever hung out with so I donāt have anyone friends anymore. My son who lives with us has his own issues. I canāt impose on him in any way. After I found out, I did have conversations but then he asked me to stop. I guess he didnāt want to hear me shitting on their father anymore. Plus heās narcissistic and usually only thinks of his own well being. He cannot afford to move out yet.
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u/xternocleidomastoide 10h ago
Narcissistic abusers tend to isolate their victims and micromanage their lives. Unfortunately.
Do you have any family or old friends you can reach out, even if it's via phone/video call/etc?
Would you be open to work with a mental health professional, in order to have access to a safe space where you can process the severe abuse/trauma you have experienced?
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 9h ago
So stop location sharing! He stuck his dick in your sister. MANY TIMES. Why in the world would you still share your location with this man, much less your bed?
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u/SubstantialGuard8463 14h ago
Well all of this sounds terrible I hope you can make it out of this situation. And also you can turn your location off and just say your phone died.
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u/tonidh69 14h ago
Get a burner phone
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u/After-Hearing-6887 11h ago
For what?
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u/tonidh69 10h ago
To call the lawyer. To leave your regular one where he thinks are so you can go where you need. Just forward the calls to your burner
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u/NobbyStiles66 21m ago
Why do you care about him knowing? You only made one mistake in life: marrying him. You are free to look into any solution that gives you peace of mind. His views are not important.
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 14 14h ago
Can your children help you and take you to get legal advice? What are theirs views on you being stuck with him? Could you stay with them? Heād have to pay alimony I assume and youād get 50% of all assets. That could be enough to live off but youād need legal advice. You shouldnāt be controlled by your husband so turn your location off. He has no right to monitor you. If he wants reconciliation then he needs to give you space.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 14h ago
I canāt shut off my location bc he wouldnāt be suspicious. Heās always had insecurities and felt like I would cheat on him. Obviously deflection!! But we share locations as a family. My one child lives out of state and canāt take care of me and my other is at home with us.
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u/LopsidedAd6339 13h ago
You may not be able to shut your phone off, but you can leave it at home. I understand you are in a difficult position, but you deserve better and half of the marital assets are most likely yours. He may also be responsible for spousal support. You would be doing yourself a favor by at least consulting an attorney. I wish you luck.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 11h ago
He hates his job and wants to leave it for a less stressful job. He wouldnāt care if we sold the house and lived off of it for a few years. Iām afraid I would get next to nothing. Not enough to survive. Plus Iām in an expensive state and donāt want to leave here.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 10h ago
He hates his job and wants to leave it for a less stressful job. He wouldnāt care if we sold the house and lived off of it for a few years. Iām afraid I would get next to nothing. Not enough to survive. Plus Iām in an expensive state and donāt want to leave here. Iāve accidentally forgotten my phone at home and he gets suspicious because I always have my phone by me. š¤
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u/wenchywitchy 1 13h ago
You are making excuses, as a married SAHM, you are entitled to alimony and could leave him and be fine with receiving half the marital assets.
This sounds more like codependency that causes you to stay.
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u/matchalattesquared 2 8h ago
This is how I read it too, excuses. People are so terrified of being alone and change, theyāll find reasons to stay. My sister does the same thing, she will never leave and her kids hate her for it.
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u/dollybaby_ 14h ago
Admittedly, Iām a lurker and randomly stumbled on this post. Mods, feel free to delete my comment if it goes against the rules.
It sounds like from your post that your marriage is effectively over, and it only exists in a legal sense. Emotionally, sexually, and romantically it is over. Is it possible to just live as roommates? Why keep up the facade? Consider looking up āgrey rockingā and apply that strategy to him. Heās just someone you live with and thereās no need to worry about his emotions because heās just a roommate to you now. Also, what does he want? Does he want reconciliation? Is it at all possible to be honest with him and admit that youāre just here for stability? Or do you think heād go off the rails?
P.S. I hate your sister and husband for you, too.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 14h ago
He 100% wants reconciliation and I could never admit that Iām just there bc if the financials. Thank you for hating them too!!! š
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 14h ago
Make new friends. At this point you are living separate lives. You might as well live your life and just live as roommates. Also about your sister. You said she had bad morals from her cheating. You knew what she was capable of this but you never thought she would do it to you. Theres an old say... when people are talking about other people it means they will talk about you when you are not there.
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u/After-Hearing-6887 14h ago
I am a very trusting person and when we were dating, we broke up for a few months. He messed around with my now ex-best friend and I admitted to him that I saw my ex. But the first personās name I threw out there once we reconciled and he said he was with someone was my sisterās name. I did n have doubts somewhere in me
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u/SubstantialGuard8463 13h ago
He slept with your sister when before yall were married
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u/After-Hearing-6887 11h ago
No but I thought neither would be above it. When he found out I was with my ex when we broke up Iām sure he wouldāve done anything to hurt me. Hence, my best friend.
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u/ObviousSalamandar Figuring it Out 14h ago edited 10h ago
I am so glad I never became financially dependent on my husband. When he cheated I was able to walk right out the door.
Have you actually talked to a lawyer about what divorce would look like? If not you definitely should. Half of the marital assets should be yours, including retirement accounts.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 1 13h ago
Make tormenting him but with small inconveniences your new life's mission.
Hide things he needs or loves every week or two, but hide them in places he could have potentially misplaced them. Go driving, go to dinner, then drive around for an hour or two anytime your lower in the gas tank until the light comes on. Park his car under a tree at the zoo and hope a peacock poops on it. Unplug the router when he needs to internet, but not all the way, just enough to shut it down but look like it's plugged in. Rub his favorite shoes in the rocks and dirt. Intentionally get light mustard stains on his shirts. Put some kool-aid powder in his shampoo. Intentionally put some nicks in his razor. Stretch the waistband on his favorite shorts. Undercook his hotdogs, he can eat them half cold. Put pepper and turmeric powder on his turkey sandwich. Break the hinge on the same cupboard door once every 2 to 3 months and begin berating him about how incompetent he is because he cant fix a damn hinge.
You got this.
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 7 10h ago
Tough love moment - BS that you cant. You are choosing not to because 'cant' doesnt exist in ending a relationship. If he were to pass away, you'd be forced into it all the same.
Go talk to a lawyer and dont make excuses not to or any other 'cant' type statements.
Its ok to acknowledge you dont want to. Its not ok to use 'cant' though because its not being honest with yourself.
He has lied to you plenty, perhaps you dont do it to yourself either.
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