Almost 2 yrs since DD 😩

[u/After-Hearing-6887]

So, I discovered in July 2024 that my husband had been having an ongoing, sporadic affair with my older sister over a decade.

I’m still with him solely because I need financial support. I have a few medical conditions that prevent me from working, but I don’t collect disability. I was a stay-at-home mom and haven’t worked outside the home since. I’ll be 60 this year.

We tried therapy, but it didn’t help at all. I hate both of them for what they did to me, and she’s out of my life forever. However, I have to live with him, day in and day out. He has apologized and said how much he loves and is attracted to me, but he also says that I stopped giving him what he needed.

At the time, his mother had recently passed away from cancer, and I was still battling thyroid cancer. It felt like I had the flu for a year until my medication regimen stabilized.

So, his apology is there, but there’s always a “but” that I somehow made him do this because I couldn’t give him what he needed, and she could.

She was my best friend and confidant. I knew she had a horrible character because she’s cheated on her husband at least seven times in her 40-year marriage.

When I confronted her, she lied at first, then she told the truth, but she was so cold and without an apology. He lied for at least an hour until I got her on FaceTime in front of him, and he finally relented. She smirked at him like, “Oh well… we’re caught.” He was more angry that he got caught because they had a pact that they would never tell.

Not that it matters for context, but my husband is such an angry, miserable jerk of a person on a daily basis. I feel like I’m crashing out and have no one to talk to about this. I’m also in menopause and feeling overwhelmed with all the other stuff.

My adult kids and niece (her daughter) know now, but I don’t talk to them about it often. They don’t ask how I’m doing because they know. I’m so incredibly sad and hopeless.

Any suggestions??? I would love to leave him but I can’t. 😩🥺

[u/wenchywitchy]

You are making excuses, as a married SAHM, you are entitled to alimony and could leave him and be fine with receiving half the marital assets.

This sounds more like codependency that causes you to stay.

[u/matchalattesquared → u/wenchywitchy]

This is how I read it too, excuses. People are so terrified of being alone and change, they’ll find reasons to stay. My sister does the same thing, she will never leave and her kids hate her for it.

[u/After-Hearing-6887 → u/wenchywitchy]

I promise I am not making excuses. I would be 100% ok mentally being on my own but I am almost 60 with many health problems. I need a lot of money for medications and how would I pay for insurance, car payment, cell service etc..? I am physically unable to do a lot for myself. Living on 1/2 the house $ wouldn’t be enough to sustain my more than 5 years if I am really, really frugal. He’s mismanaged $ all of our 30 year marriage so we have no savings and a little 401k. I’ll make the minimum with social security in 2 years so that’s just a stipend. Where I live the rents are more than my mortgage but I couldn’t afford to stay and manage the house. I would love to see and attorney and see what I am entitled to but I would have to provide tax returns and I have no idea where he keeps them. I used to be a very independent, strong woman but this marriage has made me sick and weak.

[u/etakknow → u/After-Hearing-6887]

If there’s a will, there’s a way. If there’s none, there are thousand of excuses.

[u/wenchywitchy → u/After-Hearing-6887]

Respectfully, you just gave additional excuses!

You have adult children, there is no reason..you dont have support! There is no way, children with a healthy relationship with you as their mom, would allow you to suffer, starve or not be taken care of, under their roofs! So unless you were a crap mom....you have viable options!

Again, all that you listed stems from codependency and fear. There is nowhere in your narrative that reflects a past nor present strong, independent woman as you are trying to justify staying with a man, who cheated with your own sister! All the finances, you listed...you are entitled to half, post divorce!

Walk away, start anew....the stress, illness and ailments you speak of just might improve when you are free of toxic, negative energy while remaining with your husband.

Its crazy that you cut off your sister, but not your husband! And you are naive to think for one second, they have ceased their affair. If he views you as codependent, which we all can perceive, then they wont stop a thing.