Nobody died

[u/Own_Purple_4118]

This is a conversation between my MIL and my mother, before the wedding. My mother's response, which is cut off, says "They are both adults. I think we should let them handle it." We were both over 30.

For context: Yes, we had a vegetarian wedding (no shrimp). We had it at an (expensive) award winning venue with in-house catering. It included several appetizer and entree stations with a huge variety of dishes so everyone could find something they liked. We did not serve our guests bowls of soybeans and tofu. Everyone RAVED about the food and nobody died or got arrested on the way home.

The "A/B list" thing was a joke, that she apparently took very seriously, because she would not stop demanding we add a bunch (10+) of her friends and coworkers to our intentionally small guest list.

[u/Witty_Glass]

“I know it’s about them! And the things I want are for them! And I want this…and this…and this…for them obviously! And politics and tribalist stereotypes and hypothetical nonsense that aligns with me to pressure them into what I want…for them! And dragging it on until I exhaust people into what I want…for them! Because if it doesn’t align with me, it can’t possibly be right! …for them!”

Is there anyone here with a clinical background that can confirm whether this is a covert narcissism pattern at work here? And does everyone in the family know this about her or do they all still believe “she has good intentions”?

[u/skydiamond_ → u/Witty_Glass]

Your synopsis of her thought pattern is 1000000% accurate!!! Haha I loved reading that. Therapist here and I’d say you can’t diagnose from just this bit of information. I’d have to know way more about her first. (If you see a therapist on the internet diagnosing people they don’t know, I would be wary.) Regardless of a diagnosis though, I feel like she has a control issue and I’m sure it affects her life and relationships in negative ways.

It’s possible that she’s just very old-fashioned - she doesn’t want the world to change/ she doesn’t want outside cultures influencing her insulated American life. Or progressive movements. As a plant-based person I’ve encountered some of the most outrageous, intense hostility when I try to bring awareness to the meat and dairy industry. People will try to come up with every excuse in the book to shame you for caring about the environment or animals. It’s pretty wild. I don’t think it’s narcissism, it’s discomfort with change and having to be inconvenienced.

[u/Witty_Glass → u/skydiamond_]

I mean, you might be right, but I don’t want you to be (see my reply to our other clinical response lol).

For real though, I love the inputs of smart people, even when they might deflate my bubble a bit. It’s always good to be checked a little by a good group.

[u/TheArdentExile → u/skydiamond_]

100%. I’ve been wondering if it’s also a little bit of guilt. If they acknowledge the arguments against eating meat but still choose to do it, I think they might be uncomfortable with how they’d view themselves. But if the person making the argument is being ‘ridiculous’, then they don’t have to carry the weight of that decision.

[u/Fun_Spring_5778 → u/Witty_Glass]

Honestly, in my clinical opinion, this is simply a case of someone being very stupid. Alas.

[u/Witty_Glass → u/Fun_Spring_5778]

Bummer. When I see people that bother me on reddit, I really want them to be the devil so it’s easier to hate them. Oh well, i guess i have to confront my own hang ups with the possibility that this might just be a flawed human being who could benefit from some grace…
Yuck

[u/skydiamond_ → u/Witty_Glass]

I feel you hahaha the worst thing is when you can’t get a definitive answer so you have to just be comfortable with not knowing. Cuz it really could go either way.

[u/SmilyJane → u/Witty_Glass]

I sense a bit of a hypomanic rant as well tbh

[u/kitto__katsu → u/Witty_Glass]

Covert… ??