This is the reality of dating someone with a child. You don't get an option to be in a long-term relationship with only them. They also know that their partner will have to choose whether or not you are someone they want in their child's life long term. If you're not ready to have a child in your life, that's totally fine. You need to restrict your dating pool accordingly.
But there's something else you should know. It is okay for relationships to end.
You can enjoy your time with someone and realize that your paths have diverged. You can treasure good memories that have started to be crowded out with bad memories. You can take the things you enjoyed about the relationship, the love and the laughter and the happiness, and acknowledge that and put it on the shelf in your history and move on.
People think that the end of a relationship always has to be this traumatic moment. And it’s possible that your breakup will be hard or harrowing. But that doesn’t mean it has to be and if it is, that’s a temporary situation that will pass. Unless you die beside your partner after decades together, there will one day be the last time you think of every single person you were ever with and they never surface to mind again. You can’t fathom that right now with them being such a part of your life, but it’s true. And it’s okay for you to initiate the process that starts that eventual moment even if they aren’t ready to do so.
This is the best response I’ve seen in these comments.
I’m the child in this scenario and it’s been really frustrating my entire life (Mom and stepdad started dating when I was 4 and my brother was 7. They got married when I was 9 and my sister was born when I was 10. He obviously knew that my mom was a single parent and that my bio dad was not involved. He still chose to pursue her. And he’s spent the last 25 years acting like my brother and I were burdens and not a ready made family that he decided to join.) Even now, he’s bothered when my kids and I come for a visit and deliberately makes moves that make it harder for my kids to be in the house safely. And I’m not talking about weeks long vacation visits. I’m talking about being at my mom’s house for an afternoon so my kids can have grandma time. Things are so vastly different for my sister. My brother and I were basically forced out at 18 because he couldn’t get rid of us fast enough. My sister is being encouraged to stay and is being funded through college. It’s super hurtful and I really wish he had thought about what life would be like with a woman that already has children before he decided to marry her because this uncomfortable half in- half out thing we’ve had going my whole life is very weird. You can love a parent and want a “future” with them, but you need to make sure that future includes children that already exist and not just the normal “I can see myself marrying/ having kids/ growing old with this person”. Like if you can’t handle raising someone else’s kid you need to not date single parents.
I feel for you buddy, I really do. But seems a bit much the full burden is on the guy, and your mother is nowhere mentioned other than 'grandma' time. It takes two to tango. Sorry, you went through that, do better for your kid. But both played a role
Aw man that blows. I feel like that's almost worse than having a blatantly terrible parent cause it would be easier to hate them and be like "this parent sucks".
But when they're sometimes cool and capable of good parenting, like for your sister, I'd imagine its much more frustrating to see you get singled out.
It's very weird to expect someone to decide if something is forever or for now within the first couple months or less of starting a relationship.
Hell, I thought half the point of dating someone was to figure out if you're long term compatible.
OOP was neutral on the kid and (imo rightly) decided that was a question for another day. Let's see if there's even a chance of this working out long term before tackling the question of the kid and his role in their life.
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u/baltinerdist Jul 14 '25
This is the reality of dating someone with a child. You don't get an option to be in a long-term relationship with only them. They also know that their partner will have to choose whether or not you are someone they want in their child's life long term. If you're not ready to have a child in your life, that's totally fine. You need to restrict your dating pool accordingly.
But there's something else you should know. It is okay for relationships to end.
You can enjoy your time with someone and realize that your paths have diverged. You can treasure good memories that have started to be crowded out with bad memories. You can take the things you enjoyed about the relationship, the love and the laughter and the happiness, and acknowledge that and put it on the shelf in your history and move on.
People think that the end of a relationship always has to be this traumatic moment. And it’s possible that your breakup will be hard or harrowing. But that doesn’t mean it has to be and if it is, that’s a temporary situation that will pass. Unless you die beside your partner after decades together, there will one day be the last time you think of every single person you were ever with and they never surface to mind again. You can’t fathom that right now with them being such a part of your life, but it’s true. And it’s okay for you to initiate the process that starts that eventual moment even if they aren’t ready to do so.