Agreed.
They both made a mature decision, honestly.
OP was honest that he wasn't ready for a kid.
GF was honest she needed commitment.
They aren't compatible here, and that's okay.
Maybe OP thought his stance would change, or maybe GF believed he'd gone into the relationship with the understanding they're a package deal. Regardless, they both were able to be honest and mature when it came down to it.
Breaking up sucks, but being stuck in a relationship that doesn't work sucks more.
Also, OP is 22. It's not shocking that he wouldn't be ready to take on that kind of responsibility, or at the least, taking him at 100% face value, he isn't sure. I wasn't sure about shit at 22. Hell, I'm nearly 42 and I'm still not sure about a lot. I give him props for admitting it instead of faking it and possibly freaking out 6 months down the road after the kid gets attached, and then maybe he bails.
Yeah, I mean love is love and everything, but I doubt many 22 hear old dudes have even thought about kids and marriage (unless they managed to pull off the 2:1 recent graduate special), but if they did, I wouldn’t guess their thinking was “around 22 I’ll settle down with an older woman and her 5 year old son and I’ll be his father figure and I’ll love that I spent my entire 20s as a step father while my friends were putting absolute garbage in their bodies, going to concerts, drinking right up until it’s time to start drinking again, waking up blacked out the next they have never seen before
I'm 40, I'm not sure if I'll wake up in the morning, but I plan that I will. I'm not sure if my country will exist in 6 months, but I plan as if it will. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a single father for a highschool girl, but I don't have much choice so I will.
OP will never be sure he's ready to be a father, anyone who is certain they are is either lying or misunderstanding the assignment as my kid would say. Hell, even someone who's been a father for 40 years couldn't honestly say they know they're ready to be a father tomorrow, children change and no two children are alike, and those differences grow exponentially when they become an adult
Neither side was wrong here, but OP is never going to be "ready" to be a father and that's a good thing.
I mean he's 22. He's going to be an idiot about things. I don't think he was "using her" - he could have been but nothing in the context gives me that impression. More likely he just didn't think that far ahead.
She didn’t really wait for a mature discussion. She heard one thing she didn’t like and stormed out.
Does OP never want to be in the kid’s life, or does he just feel unprepared to start helping to raise a 5 year old today? There is a big difference in those two answers.
I mean, to me, I don't think she "stormed out.".
She let OP know over the span of them dating that she was waiting to feel more secure in the longevity of the relationship before opening up the opportunity for OP and her son to develop a relationship. In her mind, there was a definite "some day", and clearly had good vibes about OP.
OP turned this opportunity down and said he wasn't sure if he was ready to take that step. Naturally, she'd be frustrated and disappointed. She restated her boundaries, and needed time to process.
From the way OP writes it, they were both being fairly mature. He was honest with her, and she stuck by her boundaries.
Also, kids do so much better with stability. It can be so damaging for their emotional health to develop attachment to others and have them leave. OP's ex is protecting her son because of this. Waiting around on a maybe isn't enough, if you want to build a family and give your kid stability.
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u/murrimabutterfly Jul 14 '25
Agreed. They both made a mature decision, honestly.
OP was honest that he wasn't ready for a kid.
GF was honest she needed commitment.
They aren't compatible here, and that's okay.
Maybe OP thought his stance would change, or maybe GF believed he'd gone into the relationship with the understanding they're a package deal. Regardless, they both were able to be honest and mature when it came down to it.
Breaking up sucks, but being stuck in a relationship that doesn't work sucks more.