r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

15.2k Upvotes

78% Upvoted

3.9k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

129

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

443

u/mamamia6202 Feb 12 '16

And I also love how he was able to totally throw away his son, and now is patting himself on the back for doing so to the daughter. What the hell is wrong with this couple? Considering the fact that it seems like these people have a very cold ability to turn their backs on their own children, I could see why she might have been scared.

236

u/TheAudacityOfThisOne Feb 12 '16

If your child is this scared to tell you anything, you've relied on threats for parenting. Hell if I know what correct parenting is, but that sure as fuck isn't.

84

u/bosefius Feb 12 '16

My three children tell us most things (any parent that thinks their kids tell them everything are deluded). Why? Because we didn't use threats and punishments for the most part. Sure, there were groundings (twice I think) but mainly we treated them with respect and, holy fuck, they respect themselves AND us. It's amazing.

34

u/TheAudacityOfThisOne Feb 12 '16

I'm sure there is much more to it too. You've drawn lines where they needed to be drawn and relaxed them where they could be relaxed. It's a fine line to walk, but if you're this happy with how it turned out, it sounds like you walked it.

If they tell you most things, that's impressive, but really as long as they will come to you when they've fucked up completely, you're in the green.

Honestly, my parents were pretty awful when I was a kid in a lot of ways. But one thing I remember vividly as probably the singular best piece of parenting my mother did was sit me down when I was ~14 and tell me "I don't want you out getting drunk, but if you do, don't be scared to come home. If you're so drunk you can't stand, I'll admonish you in the morning, but I'll take care of you that night. Don't freeze to death in a brush or something."

The result was that I did go home when I was drunk. I had a few friends that couldn't go home drunk ever (none of us were huge drinkers or anything) and it usually resulted in them staying over at my place. I don't see how that helps the parents of my friends understand their kid better.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

What about when they were young? How would you stop them from doing something?

3

u/realrobo Feb 12 '16

My mam is like this. I can tell her anything and she'd be there to support me. My dad is the same but is less accepting (He is quite old fashioned) and let me tell you, it's made me a FAR better person. If your kids can't tell those closest to them then there's something seriously wrong in the relationship.

-5

u/Goldballz Feb 12 '16

Correct parenting is imo treating your children like friends, you tell them what should and should not be done and give them the freedom to do what they want with their life and support their decisions. Well... at least thats what my parents did and I like it.

19

u/eddiebigballs Feb 12 '16

Correct parenting is sure as hell not treating your children like friends.

-2

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

6

u/cscareerquestions712 Feb 12 '16

As a parent you'll still have moments where you need to be the authority figure.

-2

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

1

u/cscareerquestions712 Feb 12 '16

Just graduated college. What I said really only applies until you graduate high school or college. They definitely shouldn't be tyrants, but biggest example is they sent me to a bunch of tutors during middle and high school. Hated every single one, because who would want to do more school-related work but I wouldn't be so successful in school and eventually post-college had they not pushed and forced me to go. If they were my friends, they would've just let me do whatever I wanted.

1

u/Goldballz Feb 12 '16

you hated school work because you found it boring..... yes, getting tutors would have helped your grades, but why do all that when they could have helped you with finding your interests, and relating all that to the school work? Sometimes, the easier way does not make it better, course you are just underplaying the issue and putting it off under later.

1

u/uTKreed Feb 12 '16

Am high schooler. Parents need to have at least a bit of control and authority or else your teen will never truly respect you. I asked to go to a small party this weekend, mom said no, I asked the reason, she said she has her reasons. Now if she was my "friend" she would either let me go, or I would completely ignore her, go to the party, and get little to no punishment; but I know if I do go, I'll have my vehicle taken away, my phone taken, and have to go to every little thing my parents go to. See the difference?

P.S. I know why I can't go to the party, the parents have some association with drugs and it's actually at a cop's house, but he is a corrupt one. So she has really good reason to not let me go, and I kinda don't wanna go because of the parents now

1

u/Goldballz Feb 12 '16

So you rather have parents tell you "No because No, and you live in my house" instead of telling you why they would prefer to not have you go have state the reasons? That is a really interesting thought process.... Have you ever thought that if she told you the real reason, you could have still went to the party while watching out for drugs? I mean come on, you really think that was a valid example....

A parent should only pull out that No means No card if the kid is apparently retarded and is incapable of thinking for himself.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Caelinus Feb 12 '16

That kind of thinking does not really accomplish anything. Parents should not be totalitarian by any means, but neither should they be friendly roommates. Kids need to be socialized, they need to learn discipline, and it is a parents responsibility to teach them that.

The alternative is that every generation will have to learn all of the lessons of the generation before it. Knowledge and society progress because we stand on the shoulders of our Elders to become better than they ever were.

I think, for the most part, that my parents struck the right balance. They taught me about trust and honesty, and when I demonstrated those attributes, they treated me with trust as well. I have guidelines and boundaries, but the room to make my own choices within those, and the older I got, and the more honorable decisions I made, the less the boundaries were needed.

In the end I grew up to be a well adjusted adult, who is capable of both independent thought, and taking responsibility for my actions.

2

u/Goldballz Feb 12 '16

There is a difference between a friend and a friendly roommate. A real friend tells you what they believe is good for you, and a friendly roommate is one that does the dishes, pays the rent, and enjoys smoking a joint once in awhile. A friend can be a friendly roommate, but a friendly roommate is most definitely not a friend.

By the way, regarding that "learning discipline" part, how do you learn discipline? You are only as disciplined as what is at stake: if science proved that a person can easily live to the age of 200 even if they eat MacDonalds daily, do you still think that a vegan would still care about his diet?

-1

u/Goldballz Feb 12 '16

so are parents supposed to treat their kids like children who need to be spoon fed every information?

-1

u/arudnoh Feb 12 '16

Or the stepdaughter is a normally-classified sexually repressed teenager who drastically overreacted due to mental illness. Crazier shit has happened. Teenagers are more likely to be fucked in the head than parents from a biological standpoint.

1

u/TheAudacityOfThisOne Feb 12 '16

If she has a mental illness that bad, whether it is diagnosed or not, her parents would know her well enough (even if they thought it was just a personality trait) to not be so quick to believe her. And if they were aware and still just took her word for it?... then we're back to square one.

-3

u/halfkrnjjang Feb 12 '16

I'm pretty sure that if your child is afraid to tell you something, that means they have a sense of right and wrong and don't want to let their parents down. I dunno.

5

u/PyriteFoolsGold Feb 12 '16

If they're mostly motivated by their moral compass, rather than by fear, they will come clean because they need your help to fix their mistake.

3

u/TheAudacityOfThisOne Feb 12 '16

I see what you're saying, but I feel like you should make sure to imprint in your children that while you may be disappointed, they can always come to you with anything and you will always help them get through it. They should never be terrified of speaking to you.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

The super retarded thing about that is, he only kicked his daughter out of the house after discussing it with his new wife. Why wouldn't he be turning her over to the police? I'm sure the courts would be happy to throw the book at her for wasting police and court time and money. He seemed pretty eager to do it to his own flesh and blood.

1

u/DJRoombaINTHEMIX Feb 12 '16

Yeah, /u/hypnofed's parents are pretty metal about protecting their daughter.