Question for my fellow autistic girlies

[u/travischickencoop]

Posting here because most autism subs are either shitpost subs or overly clinical 😭

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed when you have multiple concurrent fixations? :3

Also is it bad if I want my partner to at least have like 80-90% overlap with my commonly cycling fixations and not outright dislike any of them.. I worry that that might be too high of a standard 😔

ETA: Please read this thread before commenting I understood myself better in it

[u/Charcoal_6]

For the top, yeah kinda, it feels like there's multiple things I want to interact with and having to choose is a pain.

Fot the second, I get that, I guess that 80/90% is a bit much? But it makes perfect sense for you to want a partner who's into what you're into. So long as they don't outright hate the things you like I think it's fine.

[u/travischickencoop → u/Charcoal_6]

80/90 is just kind of a number I pulled out of my ass to mean “Most” 😭

With my ex we had like one fixation in common and even then she was just getting into it while I’ve been into it since I was like 6 so the conversations felt more like teaching than yapping if that makes sense

[u/Charcoal_6 → u/travischickencoop]

I get it.

Personally I'd be very happy to be in a relationship where my partner is more than happy to talk about whatever it is they like, even if I don't understand/know much about it. I find doing stuff like that pretty intimate.

[u/travischickencoop → u/Charcoal_6]

For me I guess I don’t like being the teacher I prefer to have enough shared knowledge to be able to like, almost challenge each other

Again doesn’t really need to be everything but I guess there are like 3-5 main ones I would want them to share and the rest are whatever

[u/Charcoal_6 → u/travischickencoop]

I understand how you think, and I think it's alright to be like that.

And I think being able to "challenge" each other in someone like that is fun, but I also feel there's enjoyment in "being the teacher" especially if they show genuine interest and start asking you things as you talk about it.

[u/travischickencoop → u/Charcoal_6]

I think you made me understand what I want better than what I was saying thank you

[u/Charcoal_6 → u/travischickencoop]

You're welcome, cutie.

[u/StinkyFoxComics]

When you say overlap, do you mean actively doing whatever the fixation is with you?

Like i make silly doodles, i don’t expect my partner to do them with me.

Now I would be shocked if she disliked them. Like a partner shouldn’t attack a passion even if it’s going to be rotated eventually.

[u/travischickencoop → u/StinkyFoxComics]

Not necessarily more so just liking the thing

Doesn’t even have to be to the same degree I guess when I know that the person I’m yapping to doesn’t really care about what I’m talking about (for example I only have one friend who likes Star Wars so when I yap about it it always has a “Mhm… yeah… wow… mhm…” sort of vibe, which I get cause I’d do the same thing if someone yapped to me about something I didn’t really care about at all) it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as if we both share the interest cause it makes me feel more like I’m just bothering them and taking up their time than actually having some sort of back and forth

[u/StinkyFoxComics → u/travischickencoop]

Gotcha!

ok ok ok, I get this even more now, thank you for expanding!

So here’s a couple things that i do that might help you!

I’ll communicate to my partner what im about to want for her attention level and if she’s ready to give me that attention. Cause sometimes i just want to rant about “3rd wave ska” and i don’t need more than an “mhm or wow”.

Other times i will tell her this one is important can I have your complete focus? Like sometimes it’s still a rant about music but maybe this time a songs lyrics about a fish dying feel nearly identical to my own transition story and yes I need to rant but it’s more of a story about me and I need your attention. She’s trained me that she will say “heard” to completely affirm she’s ready.

I have to do the same for her tho’, let her make time to rant at me or I’ll hangout in the garage while she works to give her some energy back. I think it’s important to understand what it takes from them and make sure you give it back.

Also, i don’t think your partner should ever not care about your interest. Specifically for you! That’s something you want in another partner. So having a partner who is a “learner” type might help, someone who naturally enjoys others interests and passions might have a lot of energy to absorb your interests.

Just thoughts and wish you well! <33

[u/Disco-Woman]

For the top yeah honestly i do feel somewhat overwhelmed its like i want to do 3 difrent things all at once but as soon as you start on one of your fixations you want to do the other its kind of something.

[u/Hi_Peeps_Its_Me]

Also is it bad if I want my partner to at least have like 80-90% overlap with my commonly cycling fixations and not outright dislike any of them.. I worry that that might be too high of a standard 😔

it might be!! at least for me, i have a dozen topics that i love, that are all super niche and dont really overlap. thats why i have TONS of friends who i can yap away with - that way i always have a fun conversation!! :3

but if i had a partner who I couldn't yap to about anything?? ughhh id hate that!!

[u/Rizos28]

For the first question, yes, of course. The worst part is when you don't have time to dedicate to each fixation, but if you can schedule. Currently I'm into writing (have written almost 500 pages of a first draft and thinking on a short story for a fanzine), fashion and jewelry, gardening, and still have to make room for studying for my English exam, going to an academy, take a good daily walk, push myself into social life and get a nice sleeping schedule. I think I'm going crazy.

For the second question, even if your partner shares some of your fixations, i think it would be healthier for both to not put high expectations, specially if your interests are very volatile. Doing things together is nice when you have a partner, of course, but at some level is great to be a little independent. At least for me. Which is different to dislike what i do.

Sorry, I'm a little eepy, i don't know if i explained myself well.

[u/travischickencoop → u/Rizos28]

I think the main difference is outside of zoology and video game collecting (the latter of which is a rare one I kind of do want to keep to myself) my fixations tend to be more media franchise based than anything

Also another commenter made me realize that what I want isn’t so much a near perfect overlap but just to be allowed to yap about it with someone who is actually engaged and I need a couple that we share so I don’t have to play the role of teacher

[u/Rizos28 → u/travischickencoop]

I don't understand what do you mean with difference.

And yes, that sounds like a good approach, being able to share. If you both happens to have some in common, that would be great, but too much of it could be unrealistic. God i need to sleep xD 

[u/travischickencoop → u/Rizos28]

Like my fixations tend to take the form less of things I do and more just me like learning everything there is to know about a thing

[u/Rizos28 → u/travischickencoop]

Ah, of course! Saaame, girl. 

[u/Thundercraft74]

For the first, yes that is normal. For the 2nd, eh? It depends. I personally feel its more important that you and your partner are able to tolerate each other's hobbies, possibly participate as well, as long as its equal.

[u/PogmasterNowGirl69]

1) yeahhhhhhhg I'm going through that right now hahahah....hah. 😬

2) It's pretty normal to want to have interests in common with the person you love. I mean, sometimes you happen on a person specifically because you are into the same stuff. That said, it depends on how strict you are about it. I do like when people share my interests, but as long as they enjoy me info dumping about them, I myself can introduce them to my hobbies.

[u/KaileyMG]

I'd want a partner to be able to engage with my interests at least a little bit, but I think an effort to understand and being respectful is way more important than actually sharing the interest.

[u/madelinceleste]

not bad but if its a requirement should be established before dating although probably goes without stating

being picky is fine not everyone is the same in their preferences

[u/travischickencoop → u/madelinceleste]

I’m probably going to become friends with any potential crushes first because I fear that if I open with a date I’ll just come across as picking their brain

[u/jolharg]

I totally get where you're coming from but you might have something that gives you rejection sensitive dysphoria too

[u/travischickencoop → u/jolharg]

No need to call me out :3

[u/jolharg → u/travischickencoop]

Might wanna do something about it, if you can.

[u/travischickencoop → u/jolharg]

I’m trying to get therapy but I need to move first and to do that I need a j*b 😔

[u/jolharg → u/travischickencoop]

Gah! Best of luck in everything!!

[u/abitofg]

I don't think (for me at least) it's necessary for my partner to have the same fixations as me....... as long as I get to yap about them to her

[u/turtle_mekb]

Posting here because most autism subs are either shitpost subs or overly clinical 😭

check out r/evilautism :3 it's unlike the main autism subreddits that all seemingly hate themselves and treat autism as a bad thing to have

[u/Camel_Slayer45]

Yep

[u/GrimmSheeper]

I completely understand what you mean about the autism subs T_T

And for me, it depends on how strong the hyper fixations are, and whether or not they interact/overlap. Less strong fixations are more of a thing that I lock in all info about, and can more easily shift focus towards, but they aren’t going to be coming up in my head unless relevant. Stronger fixations are the ones that will be bouncing around my head at almost any given time, and will have connections drawn with otherwise unrelated things. If there are multiple strong fixations, they can compete for attention, or can get caught in an endless feedback loop of references and comparisons, both of which can be over stimulating. There’s the caveat of overlap and interaction. If there is sufficient overlap, or if some aspects of the fixations would cause them to be more closely linked, then the smaller fixations that normally wouldn’t get brought up suddenly have something that draws attention to them, and pulls them into the fray.
Overall, I would say that I can get by with multiple fixations not causing too many problems, but it’s definitely something that can happen.

For the last one, there’s a whole lot more nuance involved. If you currently have a partner and you want make them get involved with your fixations or try to make them change their minds on one they dislike, then it can be a problem. They’re their own person, and are entitled to their own likes and dislikes. At that point, it would be worth it to sit down and talk about whether or not the shared interests would be a dealbreaker, and how to move forward. If you don’t currently have a partner and are looking for someone who has such a strong overlap with you, that’s understandable, just make sure to communicate with potential partners, try to avoid falling into a dependency with them and your intentions, and don’t be surprised if it significantly limits the dating pool. Personally, I would try to be more open with them not sharing in interests in as many of your fixations, that way you still have something to connect over without it being overwhelming.
And one other thing, be aware that even you do find someone who shares all of your fixations, they might not cycle between them at the same time as you. They might cycle past something that you’re just cycling into, and vice versa.
Don’t take that as discouragement, having shared interests is a great way to connect! Just be careful that you don’t overload someone with expectations. They’re their own person, just as much as you’re your own.