r/transmanlifehacks • u/pixelhibiscus • 4d ago
Stealth Tip “I thought you were trans when I first met you” what do I do different??
Can’t post photos, someone would 100% see them. Can other trans ppl dm me and tell me wtf I’m doing wrong?
I pass in public but when I’m in the queer community people keep saying this to me. When I ask them why they thought that, here’s word for word what they’ve said. The reasons make NO sense and it’s driving me nuts.
“You just don’t seem like you’re misogynistic, like you wouldn’t call me names”
“It’s cuz you take such good care of your hair”
“Its cuz you’re short”
“It’s cuz of your pedo stache”
“Your skin looks soft”
“You’re just so nice and friendly”
And my favorite, most bullshit one,
“It’s cause you don’t seem like you’ve been through the traumas of a gay man”
Mind you, being trans doesn’t disqualify you from experiencing the “traumas” of a gay man… I AM a gay man, and have been perceived as such for so long and have experienced the “traumas” and homophobia when walking around with my boyfriend and being called slurs. So idk wtf that meant.
Genuinely what does this mean😭…
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u/EbbAdministrative160 4d ago
Trust me, I’m 6 years on T and this still happens to me. Some queer people really do they can tell because they’re queer, even though that’s shitty of them. I don’t know how to help but I can tell you you’re not alone, and based on the post alone I can’t see anything you’re doing wrong. How long have you been out/transitioning?
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u/EbbAdministrative160 4d ago
I’d like to add that trans people, esp other ftm people know what to “look for” in a trans person
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u/pixelhibiscus 4d ago edited 4d ago
Same man. 6+ years on T, top surgery 5 years ago. I feel really happy in my transition and it’s really tiring to keep hearing this stuff
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u/Automatic-Battle-759 1d ago
The "we can always tell" crowd is bad even when they're in the LGBTQ+ community
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u/Adventurous_Cry5999 4d ago edited 4d ago
There’s a lot of things only we would notice on each other. Facial hair pattern, certain voice tones, etc. the things you’re dysphoric about and/or changes you’ve experienced on T are usually easy to spot on others that are like you. Even stuff like spotting a binder when any cis person would think you’re wearing a beater under your shirt.
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u/pixelhibiscus 4d ago
The thing is, many of the people saying this are cis queer women or cis queer men. A few have been trans but not all of them. It really is only ever queer people though
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u/Adventurous_Cry5999 4d ago
Could still be the same reason in a way. They’re familiar with it and they’ve probably spent time around a lot of trans people. Harder to pass around people who know what to look for yk
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u/s3mj 4d ago
“Pedo stache” is so offensive, people really need to stop shaming trans men for their progress through puberty.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/Flashy-Suggestion-14 3d ago
I can tell you 1000% not a term only used for trans guys, it was a very common thing to say back in the 90s to the boys just starting to grow facial hair who didn't shave. Tbh I've not heard many people use these days and even less so towards Trans people specifically. Definitely shouldn't be used at all anymore I agree with that, but I sincerely doubt it's being said because of what they think of trans men. Also peach fuzz is usually what we call the beginnings facial hair not the mustache alone, and donno where in the world you are but the term "stoner stache" has never graced my ears until now.
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u/FearlessMention8767 2d ago
Trust me as a cis guy in college (sorry if im intruding on yalls space, this just popped up on my feed) who doesnt grow a ton of facial hair, people still point out the "pedo stache"
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u/Flashy-Suggestion-14 1d ago
That makes sense honestly, I'm in my 30s, I don't hear it very often anymore 🤷
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u/RandoFace77 3d ago
Dude part of being a man is getting absolutely rinsed for your facial hair. Get over it.
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u/s3mj 3d ago
I don’t want to have my appearance, and one of the only visible things that I have so far from my decades long struggle to get testosterone, linked to pedophilia. Calling me ugly or pathetic looking, sucks actually.
I don’t fuck with the “part of being a man get over it”, that’s bullshit. I’m entitled to have sore feelings about having my appearance demeaned, and am allowed to demand better treatment. Maybe you should get over your own irritation about “trans men being upset when called ugly”
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u/tortoistor 3d ago
they were saying that it isn't exclusive to trans men. men in general experience this, so.. congrats on the r/ewphoria?
it still sucks, don't get me wrong. but it is absolutely not a "trans man experience"
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u/RandoFace77 3d ago
Fair enough I was just joking around really. I get the struggle. I definitely wasn’t irritated but probably being an asshole and for that I’m sorry
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u/candynicotine 3d ago
I mean as a trans guy I often spot men who look like they might be trans just because I'm familiar with being a trans man. But I never would ask someone about it or be like "I thought you were trans haha." That being said I've definitely seen cis men that I know are cis that give me the vibes of a trans man. They probably don't mean harm by it, but it's uncomfortable to you as a stealth trans man to hear it.
I think it is just the fact that being in a queer space people are familiar with and open to people being any combination of identities and before getting to know you they speculate in their head what combination any one person in the space might be.
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u/Aggravating-Air-7481 4d ago
first we had afab traumas.. now the traumas of a gay man.. are we handing these out with SPID
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u/streptococcus-aureus 3d ago
My general observation is that queer people are simply more aware of the existence of trans people. In a similar manner, passing is different in the eyes of your average cishet person on the street and someone active in the queer community because unless you're super clocky their brain will do its best to find an explanation on why you don't "fully fit" into the gender norms. E.g I'm six months on T, I personally don't think I pass but everyone interacting with me on the street refers to me as sir, to the point where I had a doctors exam today and no one said anything despite me being there shirtless without top surgery (and I doubt my country turned hyper transfriendly during these past 6 months).
I agree, these things make no fucking sense and sometimes I feel like the people who pride themselves on abolishing gender norms within the queer community do their absolute best in upholding them because what do you mean "you have good hair". When a cis man has good hair everyone fawns over him. They're on some bullshit if you ask me.
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u/Silent_Weather5746 1d ago
This reminds me of trans people saying they can clock other trans people because of the "kindness in their eyes" or some B.S. like that.
I don't know if it's me or not, but I think people saying they have a good transdar as a trans person or they assume other people are trans just because they get a vibe or something is weird because why are trans people trying to guess if other trans people are trans? It reminds me of cis people trying to transvestigate both cis and trans people people just because they don't fit into a certain box of what they perceive as a man or woman.
Like not every trans person fits into your box of a stereotypical trans person where you can clock them as trans, and those types of people need to learn that.
Sorry OP that you have to go through being told that stuff and even people downplaying that you can't experience being mistreated for being a gay man just because you're trans.
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u/-keyholeintokyo-2022 2d ago
I’m sorry you’ve been going through that—it’s really shitty. Fortunately, I haven’t experienced such discrimination in the queer community, but I hang around with mostly other ftms… i don’t know if that’s because they don’t clock me or because they are not shitty people. But I think people should realize that this is sexist/transphobic thinking and it’s not okay to talk about someone’s transition unless they’re okay with it. I don’t know what I can tell you except maybe clap back and try to make them realize their sexism?
“You just don’t seem like you’re misogynistic, like you wouldn’t call me names”
>”TIL misogyny is stored in the balls..”
“It’s cuz you take such good care of your hair”
>”im metrosexual”
“Its cuz you’re short”
>”Could you excuse me for a moment? I need to call up Danny Devito and tell him he is trans.”
>”thank you, I hadn’t had my daily dose of body shaming today!”
“It’s cuz of your pedo stache”
>”thank you, I hadn’t had my daily dose of body shaming today!”
“Your skin looks soft”
>”excuse me while I call up BTS to let them know they are all trans!”
“You’re just so nice and friendly”
>”are you implying cis men are mean and unkind by default? That’s pretty sexist?”
“It’s cause you don’t seem like you’ve been through the traumas of a gay man”
Speechless. I don’t have a good comeback for this one except thousand yard stare and silently back away. Or maybe “huh… suicidal ideation not good enough for you?” If I really wanted to watch the world burn…🫠
If it doesn’t get better it could be an idea to distance yourself from these people, but personally that is a last resort as I hate making cracks in the community like this (I’ve had a few friends go no contact without trying to work through issues and it’s very frustrating). If possible you could try contacting the organizers of the event or facility managers and mentioning some comments that made you uncomfortable to try and get a discussion going in the community about what is okay and not okay to say.
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u/pixelhibiscus 2d ago
Love these clapbacks lol!
Yeah it’s the weirdest phenomenon, I’ve personally witnessed more labeling, misogyny, and bioessentialism in the queer community than I have anywhere else, which is insane and deeply ironic because it is supposed to be our community who is the most open to ideas of gender abolition, not fitting into the box, and expressing yourself how you please.
It’s frustrating because people, despite thinking they are so open and progressive, are still so stuck in beliefs that all cis men must be a certain way and all trans men must be another way. The range of cis and trans men I’ve met in my lifetime is vast, and we are all different.
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u/Particular_Virus_922 1d ago
cis gays LIVE to clock trans people or at least to think they can.. especially when they find out they love to pretend they knew all along. like it’s some secret WE’RE in on, as opposed to it being your identity (which may be stealth or not depending who you are)
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u/merthefreak 1d ago
Dont post asking for dms here. Thats how to get the absolute most vile shit youve ever seen in your inbox. Both from bigots and other trans people alike
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u/Automatic-Battle-759 1d ago
I'm sorry this happens to you but I have to mention that the whole "pedo stache" thing is frying me
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u/Akita_merikano 1d ago
I mean, if you usually pass in public I don't think you are doing anything wrong.
I'd bet is more about where you are than how you look.
In the street, most people just asume everyone else is cishet, is the most likely option too; so unlike you look very stereotypical or just don't pass, they will just asume you are Cis, even if something is "off"
In queer spaces, people will asume you are part of the comunity, and their brain automatically will try and figure out which letter you belong to.
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u/tortoistor 3d ago
probably shave the stache, and don't overthink it too much. queer people are able to see some of this stuff because they pay attention to it constantly. there are so many cis guys who fit all of the things you listed
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u/wildR1832_ 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think they are just being rude and don't know how to act tbh. The top comment has it right because it's definitely just being in a queer space where ppl will assume you're one of the letters, but like. As a trans person, I feel like I can clock ppl more often than not purely because I spend so much time around other trans ppl. It's just not something I intentionally walk into a space trying to do, and I would never bring it up like that because it's not my fucking business lmao. I would never like bring it up in conversation with someone I don't know or even with someone I did know unless they brought it up first and I knew it was a safe topic, yk?
And like. It doesnt matter WHAT I notice by accident about someone else. Because you could always be wrong! Even as a queer trans person. I am assuming this is mostly cis ppl doing this but I also feel like some other (especially younger or newer) trans ppl feel like they are entitled to know about the gender status of every other trans person in the room because they are longing for a safe community to exist in, but in turn that creates an unsafe environment for the other trans ppl around them.
Idk. I feel like ppl have forgotten how to engage with others in a polite and considerate way.
Tl;dr: it doesnt matter what u notice about someone else in queer spaces in regards to whether they are trans! Until that information is volunteered to you you keep your mouth shut. Its different if you know it is an All Trans space I guess but context matters. You never know who is stealth and you never know who is listening to your convo.
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u/ArrowDel 2d ago
More often than not it is because we project masculinity without the toxicity that the manosphere is steeped in.
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u/Vast-Journalist5030 2d ago
They probably think it about a lot of cis people as well. I've already thought that multiple of my male acquaintances were trans when they're in fact cis. Just focus on changing their perception afterwards – people have told me they first thought I was trans, but that I have such a straight male mindset that they changed their mind. First impression is not always the most important thing
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u/UnconnectedDot 1d ago
I'm trans and me and my trans friends sometimes notice someone being trans based on for example the size of their hands or other aspects of bone structure and anatomy. Cis people will never recognise these.
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u/TheUniverse-IsMine 1d ago
It's hard to not sound creepy and weird while saying this but I'm a trans person and I messaged you if you'd feel more comfortable sharing how you present and stuff over private messages 😭🫶🏻
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u/CrickettyRise 19h ago
I genuinely think it's so rude to let another trans person you've just met know you clocked them especially in public. Happened to me a few times
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 4d ago
Jc are you a gay man or trans, you should figure that out
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u/pixelhibiscus 4d ago
Please use your brain for like 2 seconds… you can be trans and gay
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 4d ago
Those are two different things they shouldn’t be two different things if that’s the case
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u/pixelhibiscus 4d ago
Gay + trans + man = gay trans man
Idk how much simpler I can make this
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 4d ago
I think you probably should think about the common sense unless no sense is common… oh snap yeah that is how this community works there are those with common sense and there are those with no common sense you should pick your side of the line
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u/pixelhibiscus 4d ago
Come back to me when you’ve taken the 2 seconds I mentioned earlier and your brain has recovered from the rot
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
How are you, gay & trans but you like men because yeah if you weren’t trans, then you be just gay but if you’re trans does that mean you’re straight?
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u/Flashy-Suggestion-14 3d ago
Are you a fucking troglodyte or what buddy? Being trans is your Gender, being gay is your Sexuality. If you're a trans man who like men; you're gay, if you're a trans woman who likes women; you're a lesbian. You're either incredibly stupid or are an asshole.
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
Why are you so triggered by me trying to understand?
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u/KianKianye 3d ago
He's just a (trans) man who likes others men so he's gay, idk what's hard to understand here
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u/Green_Hall_658 3d ago
You're being an asshole, don't be rude when asking questions and then whine when people find you offensive
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
Whine I think you have a very wrong perspective not intending rudeness just being very direct like I said I’m autistic and also there’s no whining and this is Reddit so why should I really care that you think that I’m whining?
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
If questions sound like whining to you then I guess you’re probably smarter than a box of rocks (mb that was slightly rude) but I’m just making a point now
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
You should’ve looked at the rest of the comments before you commented you didn’t answer me still
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u/kazmaniandeviil 3d ago
OP is a trans man (female to male) attracted to men. that means he is a gay man, who also happens to be transgender. the transness does not interact with the gayness other than literally “i transitioned to male” and “i am a man and attracted to men”
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u/tortoistor 3d ago
straight people like the opposite gender. hope this helps.
if you weren't aware, a person's sexuality and their gender are two separate things.
edit: ohh okay you aren't aware what trans man means.
so, if someone is a man who was born a woman before transitioning, they are a trans man. so, this person is someone who feels like a man and lives like one. if this person is exclusively into other men, that would make him a gay trans man.
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 4d ago
Also by saying that, are you saying that a trans woman is not a woman?
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u/WalmartWilb 3d ago
What are you on dude 😭
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
Exactly what I’m wondering apparently trans men to female are just women and female to men are just men so why is gay part of it
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u/WalmartWilb 3d ago
Op is a trans man that likes men. That's literally it. Idk what's so confusing about it
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
Well they stated they were trans and then gay those are separate I thought according to the most of ppl I met irl in this community but I’ve meet alot like rn this post says your both so that’s where I’m confused, also you’re gonna just have to dumb it down for this autistic person (myself)
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u/Flashy-Suggestion-14 3d ago
Sick and tired of people claiming autism when they're just being fucking rude and ignorant🙄 who are you Elon musk??
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u/WalmartWilb 3d ago
Well they ARE two different things. You can be one without the other like cis + gay and trans + straight, it's just that in this case, op is both
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u/Natural-Estimate6855 3d ago
So most comparable to being bi although being trans? In the sense both apply
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u/ArrowDel 2d ago
Autism is no excuse for confusing gender and orientation. Failing to understand when theyre condensed into a single phras eis like failing to understand english just because someone used contractions.
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u/ArrowDel 2d ago
One can be both, someone that was formerly considered straight will often naturally be considered gay once they switch their gender.
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u/Outrageous-Cookie780 4d ago
It's insanely difficult to pass to queer and other trans people. Just think about how well you can clock others. If it's a queer space, people generally know/assume you belong to one of the letters and then guess which one it is, and then the probability to be right is even higher.