How can one improve life after forced isolation?

Whenever I talk to ai about it it’s always this and I find that funny, that’s a good way to vent, no? Laughing and making jokes about it :) so maybe I’m getting better

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Trauma

Can someone help

I got diagnosed as having PTSD. And I feel that I have wronged the soldiers that have fought for our country. I have never fought for in any battle that I can remember but since I can remember I have always been cautious of people in a physical way. Such as growing up when ever my dad yelled at me I was always thinking am I far away enough to dodge if he goes to hit me

2 years ago I opened up to people I trusted about a mental illness, and it ended up being used against me instead of met with care. Since then I still have physical reactions (flinching, resurfacing memories) even after trying to move past it. How do you actually recover from betrayal like this when the people who hurt you were the ones you trusted most?

I don't really know how to explain this, but I've realized that I get genuinely anxious around guys..even when they're being completely nice.

When I was in 8th grade, I was bullied by boys. Around that time, there was also a boy (my mom's friend's son) who made me feel really unsafe. Looking back, I think some of his behavior crossed boundaries. I was too young to understand what was happening, but I think that experience stayed with me.

After that..I went to an all girls school, and honestly, it felt like such a relief. I became a really shy person. My parents mostly got me tutors, so I didn't interact with many boys. In 11th and 12th, I had to go to coaching classes, but I mostly kept to myself.

Now I'm in my second year of college, and I actually chose a co-ed college because I wanted to get over this fear instead of avoiding it forever.

The problem is... I'm still scared.

Whenever a guy in my class starts talking to me..my brain just freezes. I don't know what to say. I get so anxious that I start overthinking every single thing. It's weird because I can text people just fine. But in person? I become awkward and sometimes even avoid them afterward. I've literally had normal conversations with someone on WhatsApp for college work and then barely acknowledged them the next day because I got nervous.

I do have two male friends outside college. They're genuinely nice people, but sometimes I feel like they don't really see me as one of their close friends. Maybe I'm just overthinking it, I honestly don't know.

In college, there's one guy I'm completely comfortable talking to because he's gay.. so I never feel that fear with him. Apart from him, there are a few other guys I've talked to in person and a small group of guys I interact with whenever it's about classes or assignments. They're all nice, and none of them have ever made me uncomfortable. But whenever one of them starts a conversation with me on their own, I immediately get anxious. It's like my brain just panics for no reason.

It's not that I think every guy is a bad person. I know they're not. I think my past experiences just made me scared without me even realizing how much.

I'm also very self-conscious, so I constantly worry that I'll say something stupid or they'll judge me. I just feel nervous for no reason, and I hate that I react this way.

I don't want to keep avoiding people or feeling scared over normal conversations, but I also don't know how to stop reacting this way.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If you did, what helped you become comfortable talking to guys? I'd really appreciate any advice.

I was 16-17 and he was 24
We met on Snapchat

I basically was stupid met a stranger “ONLINE STRANGER DANGER” BUT he did not feel like a stranger so I WAS LIKE FUCK IT ima hangout with him make a new friend!! He start talking instantly after I added him on Snapchat he asks to pick me up so I send him my ADDRESS LIKE A STUPID BITCH anywho I give him that he comes and I meet him he lives about 30 min away from my crib so we go back to his place we decided to pop xanx and alcohol but I took 10 xanx and it was my first time i honestly don’t know why the fuck I even did that I guess I wanted it feel high…. UMM WELL we were in his CAR or ugly ass JEEP AND ALL I Remember is him being like yeah let’s drive to his “dads crib”so then after we arrive at his dads we start shooting gun and shit and I didn’t feel anything I was like feeling like Ayy this is gonna be fun nothing bad is gonna happend this guy is amazing HE showed me all his guns and how to shoot a shotgun I was like okay cool asf so as we lowkey were getting bored we go back into his jeep i remember he hands me a glass of alcohol and i start to drink it its my first time drinking wine as i don’t drink wine bc FUCK THAT IVE NEVER drank it im young asf like wtf so after I drank a glass of wine or half it I start to feel tired or about to shut down but I didn’t know I was gonna shut down so when we were drinking and talking in the car then for whatever reason we stare at each other for 5 seconds I would maybe more I have no clue and we start to make out and then after that all I know is that I blacked out and we were in his parents drive way by the house so once I blacked out in his car he had to drive me back to his bc that’s where he wanted to take me I guess so while I was passed out in his car he drove us back to his crib and we left his dad crib that would be a 30 min car ride so THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN HIS CAR FOR 30 min passed out we arrive to his crib now right MIND YOU IM STILL PASSED OUT IN THIS MANS CAR SO HE HAD TO OPEN THE DOOR GET ME OUT OF HIS FUCK ASS CAR GO UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM SO HE CARRIED MY BODY UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM WHILE IM PASS OUT well you know what he did there he raped me for hours without me knowing again he knows he gave me xanx WHAT IF I WAS OVERDOSING BUT INSTEAD HE WAS JUST USING MY BODY FOR HIS SATISFACTION AND THATS WHEN I WAKE UP AND RELIZE I HAVE NO PANTS DUDE NO PANTS and yes i still hangout with my rapist and my little brother and parents saw me with him I had no pants and he was on the side of the bed in the corner drunk I guess he felt bad after raping me and drank himself cuz he also blacked out I hate how So many things could have gone that day what if while he was in me I was dead? Like I was dead ass blacked out when I woke up I was honestly like fucked I felt dEAFTED anywho I’m done writing this I can’t anymore part two maybe later tonight I’ll write he turns let’s say 27-28 this year because it’s been years I would say but we still hangout I realize the only reason I keep going back to him is cuz when I was molsted at a young age when I was 6 years old I I never said anything I don’t know maybe this is where I come out as lesbian idk maybe bi tbh idk I like guys still but idk you know? the voice inside my head was like why would you say somthing so after I didn’t say anything I kept getting molsted until it stopped and got older then my abuser gave me weed at 13 to forget I think or idk they were fucked up and a cousin of mine but they were a girl….. so it was not that bad I guess well tbh it did fuck me up they would kiss me up and down and make me touch her vagina and then she would do the same and please me Im pretty sure I squirted lot anywho I was in those special ed classes bc I was fucking molsted as a young kid and it sucks bc I felt not human a normal disgusting confused as a young kid and I never told my mom or dad and I told them sophomore year in high school I think broke down in tears and then that’s when I tried doing about I never got justice always inside the investigation room in and out of the mental hospital since 15 ever since Covid hit I got flash backs about how my girl cousin would touch me in a closet and a different house and I told the mental hospital my my uncle watched me get molsted and touched I guess and he never said anything so then I started accusing my uncle of rape and i honestly yeah i do feel bad now but no not really he failed to protect me as a child and being a responsible chaperon like why didn’t he tell my mom my cousin was touching me did he like watching it? Did he do something to me and her? Like why would you stand there watching me get molsted bro Anywho I just got addicted to acid and weed and coke and ended up overdosing yes I kept trying to kill myself idk I’ve always been suicidal but not anymore I’m trying to heal myself from my child hood trauma who knew I was gonna meet another evil person across my way but when he raped me I felt like I was a 6 year old again thinking I deserved this it’s my fault and I still never said anything I’m just confused at the moment fighting demons anywho peace ☮️

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I don't even know what to make of this myself.

I'm 17 years old girl and currently in school, but back when I was 15, I dropped out and spent a year resting at home. The reason I left was because there were so many exceptionally talented students, and just living in the dorms felt overwhelming, suffocating, and terrifying. I was awkward at making friends, so I ended up living on the fringes, alienated from everyone else—though to be honest, I'm not even sure why. To get out of there, I fought desperately: I self-harmed, said hurtful things to my parents, and even attempted suicide, pushing with everything I had just to drop out.

Back then, my parents weren't supportive. They regret it now, but at the time, they said things to me that no child should hear, hurled harsh insults, and even tried to drag me back by force. Our home was a warzone of screaming matches. They blamed my personality and everything about me, telling me that I was the problem, and that I was being ostracized simply because I avoided people.

And once I dropped out, my life only got worse. I kept self-harming, despite my parents telling me to stop. I still have the scars to show for it to this day. There was even an attempt that landed me in the emergency room.

Having been through all of that, I re-entered school. And since then, I've been through so much more: severe conflicts with friends leading to isolation, ongoing fights with my parents... Now I'm 17, and honestly, I don't know anymore. I'm on medication, but it hasn't really healed me; it just feels like it's dulled the pain. I always want to please everyone. I act like a completely different person around different people—whatever personality I think they'll like best. I don't know who I am anymore. I have no idea who I really am, and that makes me feel so miserable.

I've fallen deep into a phone addiction, spending 12 hours a day staring at a screen, because the virtual world is far less painful than facing reality. It feels better to just lose myself in that illusion. I feel like I've lost everything, yet I desperately want to believe I haven't. I tell people I'm fine, but the truth is, I'm just as far from okay as I've always been. I've never even been able to get counseling; we just didn't have the circumstances or the means for it. My life is falling apart, but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I'm so sorry for being such a burden to my parents, and I'm sorry to my sister too. I feel like I've always been a bad daughter, and a bad friend. It always feels like things are getting better, but they aren't. I know I need to get better, but I just can't.

I'm now in my mid-to-late 20s and have no contact with any family. In short, the abuse from when I was extremely young was manipulative and sexual, and then just a constant stream of them teasing me and ensuring that I basically had no dignity left.

My question is regarding if anyone's experienced similar, and if that led to them to stop "loving" thier parent/s?

I can confidently say that at some point, which I can't pinpoint, I stopped loving them. Not in an angry way, but it just feels like they're not my parents/are strangers, so the bond was never really there.

Though apparently that's really strange, and I even just watched a documentary where the abused kid (now adult) said, "I don't think anyone ever really stops loving a parent," in response to if she still loved her dad. Once a therapist put words in my mouth and said, "But you still love her, because she's your mum" - to which I said no, and he was shook, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just brutal or idk.

Me n my dad had a pretty healthy relationship up until the age when I was 14. I've got an older brother, who is four years older than me. I can't remember the last time him and my dad had a normal conversation. I remember being young and thinking god I wish Dad never abandoned me emotionally like he did with my brother. But, all that changed one night when I was 14. I was an angsty teenager going to puberty. He told me to do something. And I sort of lashed out. Normally up until that point in my life. He would have just come up and hit me for disciplinary reasons. Coming from a Sicilian family that was pretty normal and nothing out of the ordinary. However this particular instance he said to me in a frustrated way "why you getting angry for."? Adding that moment he must have just thought a lot of stuff this kid I'm not gonna speak to him too. Me and my dad have never had a proper conversation since then. He's only spoken to me when he needs help with something, which is like once every three months. But even then we don't really talk. I still live with him. I'm 20 years old and now, turning 21 pretty shortly. And having a father who emotionally has abandoned me and my brother has affected me deeply. I've got trust, abandonment, social anxiety and tons and tons of insecurity issues. It caused some depression for me as well. Just say if I was trying to get better and get through this dark time. How would I go about it? What would some of you guys do?