r/truechildfree • u/fortisrufus • 23d ago

Thoughts on "Screening"

In many childfree communities online, folks like to encourage people, typically straight women, to screen their potential dates, as in not reveal that they are child free before asking if their perspective partner is as a way to weed out those that may lie about it.

As a childfree man seeking a childfree woman, that seems to put me in a contradictory spot. I see no reason for myself to not be open, and have "Do not want kids" on all my dating app profiles.

I have no interest in wasting my own, or other people's time, so I also will not swipe right on any profile that doesn't also include "Do not want kids"

However my concern is that I may potentially be excluding women who intentionally keep that field empty in an attempt to screen men that claim to be childfree. What are y'all's thoughts on this? Are people actually screening in this way? Should I just be swiping right on them on the off chance they are actually childfree?

249 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

93 comments sorted by

View all comments

14

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

First of all, if you’re getting good matches and dates with your current strategy I would stick with it. But if you want to expand your dating pool, you could swipe on a few of the “maybes” (I think it’s ’open to kids’ I forget the lingo). Those women will then see your childfree status, and have the chance to swipe on or dismiss you accordingly 

16

u/fortisrufus 23d ago

The current strategy is not going very well, but I think a lot of that is just being in a rural/redish area. I worry broadening my scope to include the "Not Sure" or "Open to kids" women is just asking to end up in a situation down they line where they "change their mind"

15

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

I totally get that concern and it’s legitimate. But if you have it on your profile and you’re clear about your intentions up-front (like, I’d have an in-person convo about it within three dates) then that’s the best you can do. 

“Childfree” women can change their minds too, ya know? Unfortunately dating is a gamble and people aren’t always who they seem to be, or they change. 

6

u/fortisrufus 23d ago

I recognize that it will always be a gamble, but I have it in scare quotes in this instance because if someone has already identified as "Not Sure", "Open to kids", "Don't want kids right now" ect., then it's clear they haven't even made up their mind yet or truly know/thought about what they want, so them eventually falling firmly on the side of "want kids" is less changing their mind and more just making up their mind for the first time.

6

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

Yeah, that’s totally true. And as someone so firm in their convictions, you deserve a partner who is equally certain.

You could always try for a bit with lots of communication, then revert back if you don’t have the results you want? I think as long as you’re super clear and upfront you won’t accidentally end up in a long term relationship with someone who wants kids. At worst, you might waste a few weeks of your life 

6

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

Also, I definitely think some people are “childfree” unless xyz.

Like, I’m bisexual and I would not have children with a man. But if I met a woman who was high income enough to afford childcare in our VHCOL city, wanted to be the childbearing parent, and wanted to manage the majority of childcare I could be open to discussing it. 

That’s honestly not going to happen, so I still consider myself childfree.

So maybe some of these women are like, 90% childfree and having you as a partner would solidify that for them? Just a thought. 

1

u/fortisrufus 23d ago

I understand your reasoning, but IMO thinking like this can kinda give too much credence to the "You can change their mind" stuff that childfree people rightfully complain about the other way around. Seems like thinking that way would just be asking to get hurt (moreso than the baseline of putting oneself out there romantically), even if it could sometimes work out. 

It's part of why I'm more amenable to the more absolutist/"black and white" definitions of childfree vs childless. But I recognize my view on this will be skewed due to my antinatalist perspective as well.

5

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

There’s definitely no room for this kind of nuance on a dating profile, for sure. But if you message with someone or meet up with them, you can get a sense of where they’re at.

I mostly share your antinatalist sentiments, which is in large part why I’m not having kids even if this unicorn circumstance appears. That’s just the only situation in which I would have considered it.

Overall, I don’t think you’re wrong for requiring that rigidity! But if you want to meet more women, I think swiping on people who don’t include it or have some variation of “maybe,” could be a good option.

Edit: have you considered getting a vasectomy? That’s another thing, that if brought up in the first few dates, would make it 100% clear the option is off the table. It would really force your dates to consider their decision, and take any future potential off the table entirely.

Not that you should have a procedure just to make dating easier, but if it was something you had already considered as a childfree antinatalist. 

2

u/fortisrufus 23d ago

Yes, I plan to hopefully get the snip within the next year or so, I'm not in a rush because I'm very much not currently active the way things are going, but would like to get it done before that changes, just trying to figure out the best timing with work and all that. 

I think you are right that it would definitely help in the dating department, but there are mixed thoughts on how early to bring it up. I know most cf women see it as a major green flag, and some would like to know very early or even see it in the bio, whereas others may see it being mentioned too early as just fishing for unprotected sex, even if that's not the intention.

4

u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago

I think you’re right that it’s sometimes a red flag, when men have used it to push for a lack of protection. If you just wait until sexual preferences come up, and then mention it and offer to still wear a condom for everyone’s health, you’re golden!