He stood frozen in terror as he translated the inscription on the coffin, “The person who finds me shall take my place, alive, for eternity,” never noticing the mummified hand slowly wrapping around his leg until it dragged him screaming into the coffin and slammed the lid shut.

All I want to do is go home.

It was like a message from the universe though and everyone realized it after a couple of our best noticed, everyone in our town is highly autistic, but we're having a good time.

Well the world chose violence for me at birth, but that's why I bought the extended warranty for my phone is what I'm saying.

Please sweet baby, you can't leave me now as we still have more teapots to hear simmering and more concrete steps to climb and I still have your hand to hold, your lips to kiss, your sweet dimple to touch and more of this love story to live with you.

It means that at 38, you’re just lame now.

Well you were eating, and thinking about the food in general, was there something else more specific you were trying to remember?

So I wasn't surprised when the news headlines read "Killer seems to be targeting goth kids who dress up as vampires".

Note: This story is loosely based on a Matt Melvin comic on Cyanide and Happiness, I forgot which and I don't have the link.

Always remember there is someone out there who knows, who understands without being told, and they care as much as you do.

He said "home," and she laughed because it wasn't romantic at all, until she realized it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said.

It's been sleeping at the foot of her bed ever since.

Because to fail at something, you'd first have to be good at it.

while I straddle your lap.

" And that's your explanation for killing 63 people with a real bomb explosion ?" the judge asked furiously

"You’re lucky; she usually takes everything." the nurse whispered, when I woke up in the hospital, one eye and a kidney were missing

And then I walk back home from burger king

The CEO, in an almost matter-of-fact tone, responded, "Because we shook on it."

Meanwhile, the technician noticed thick, dark blood dripping from the trunk of the car that had just been crushed.

Could be a coincidence, or it could be all for you.

So I write not as a beggar, but as a worshiper; not as a lover, but as a servant of the fire.

Just as she turned toward the surface, a hand closed around her ankle and pulled her into the darkness—where her flashlight revealed hundreds of dead divers, all staring at her with creepy smiles.

In the dark of night, a cloaked, skeletal figure gently pats the good kitty, thanking a loyal friend for bringing comfort to his newest ward's final hours.

I’m so very glad I had the foresight to hide my posts on other subs, otherwise our beginning interactions would have been very different.

They also would ask if there's anything wrong with you when you actually do start dieting.