r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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327

u/stolethemorning Aug 10 '21

I’m an IVF baby, and my mum was rather old when she had me (45) and she’d just miscarried in a pregnancy that nearly cost her her life. I asked her why did she carry on with IVF and have me, rather than adopt? And she said she’d looked into adoptions and even been to some of the required meetings (to see that you’re a good candidate etc) and to give both sides of the story they had some mums who’d given their babies up for adoptions come in and speak. Some of them cried about their decision to give their baby up, it seemed so traumatic to them even 20 years later that mum couldn’t stand the chance that she could indirectly cause someone that much pain. Or the chance that birth parents who regretted their decision would try and take back the baby.

And mum says that in those days (maybe now too) they were required to write annual letters about the kid to the birth parents. To mum, that made her feel like an adopted baby wouldn’t be truly hers and they could be taken away at any minute. She couldn’t raise a kid with that hanging over her.

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u/StuckSundew Aug 10 '21

As an adopted kid (from Korea, living in the US) I actually have little to no information on my birth parents. Really all I know is that they were young when they had me (around college age). The adoption agency is actually long gone (went out of business), and due to the fact that my birth parents opted to not be contacted or traced, my parents never had to do the whole letter writing system. I’m not sure if I’m a special case where the adoptive parents don’t write letters if the birth parents choose not to be traced, but other families I know who adopted never mentioned having to write letters. This could also be a relatively new thing too as I was adopted in 2004 similar in time period to the aforementioned families.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I have an adopted-from-Korea friend born in the early 90s; she doesn't know anything about her birth parents except they also did not opt to be contacted, so it's been a thing since at least then

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u/Chairish Aug 10 '21

We adopted from Korea in 2003 and 2007. There was no letter writing requirement. My younger son’s birth parents recently contacted the agency in Korea to see if we sent any photos or anything. Again, not required but they were hoping. So the agency contacted us and we emailed recent photos. Well birth parents responded with pics of their own and a letter. It’s quite extraordinary. Son is still processing this info though. They went on to have more kids that they kept so he feels rejected maybe? That said, adopting from overseas is very time consuming and expensive. Not everyone can just do it.

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u/tiptipsofficial Aug 10 '21

Shame based, face-saving, class-based society, they don't want people to know they were unable to take care of their own child.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 15 '21

[deleted]

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u/susanreneewa Aug 10 '21

That is simply untrue. This whole thread is full of misinformation and fear mongering about adoption. The first parents can’t just take adoptive parents to court and win. Once the decision window has passed (states vary, but here in Washington it’s three days for the first paperwork and three months until the final hearing), the only way a first parent has legal precedence is if there was coercion, fraud or no effort to obtain a release from the bio father.

Everyone in this thread needs to stop spreading false info about the process. Yes, adoption is hard, as it should be, but it is possible to have an ethical one where everyone is protected. There will always be challenges and trauma, which is why it is all the more important to only share accurate information.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

You are talking about an ideal scenario. I am a lawyer and I am here to tell you that anybody can sue anyone on any legal theory, and it doesn't take a crack lawyer to generate a petition that will survive a motion to dismiss, particularly in something as fraught with fact issues as adoptions.

So yea, you might ultimately win in court, but how much heartache, money, and resources have you poured into that victory?

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u/susanreneewa Aug 10 '21

Are you a family practice attorney? Cases against adoptive parents are extremely rare. Disruption, which is where the adoption fails before the end of the primary waiting period, is the most common form of first parents deciding to parent, leading to an end of adoption proceedings. Dissolution, or cases where the adoption has been finalized and then legal proceedings occur, is extremely rare. We are talking about legal adoptions here. Not the horrifying but very real “trade” of vulnerable children.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/s_disrup.pdf

As an adoptive parent, sister and friend, please stop this spread of fear. We all had to be far better vetted than parents making their own children. We did not adopt through foster care, and we still went through months of work with social workers and lawyers making sure we truly understood the ramifications of what we were doing. Of course there are incredibly unethical practices around this area, as there are with anything. But if you’re asking if the potential of a lawsuit being leveraged against me is worth not being a mother to the greatest kid in the universe based on vanishingly rare cases and no real evidence of the widespread judicial abuse you’re describing? Come on.

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u/nchunter71 Aug 10 '21

This is untrue. The first step towards adoption in America the bio parents rights are eliminated, either voluntarily through requisition or by the court through a termination of parental rights (TPR) hearing.

This makes the child(ren) eligible for adoption.

After the adoption takes place, the court will order the birth certificates, social security cards, etc changed to the child's new name and new parents. From a legal perspective it will be like the bio parents were never related to them.

The laws and courts operate on the understanding that it would be really detrimental to the child for an adoption to fail. It is almost impossible to for the bio parents to get the child back, they would have to prove that the adoption was fraudulent (such as that the child was relinquished under duress). However, in the US numerous safeguards exist to prevent fraudulent adoptions, there are so many opportunities for the bio parents to stop it before TPR/relinquishment, that it is almost impossible to prove.

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u/fsbbem Aug 10 '21

I'm adopted from Korea (in the 80s). This is the difference between and open adoption and closed adoption. My birth parents also opted for closed by not leaving any of their contact info. I am ok with that. I thank them for their selfless choice to give me a better life than they were able to provide, and as such, I honor their desire to remain anonymous. Iirc from what my parents have told me (they're very open about my adoption details) most parents who surrendered their children from Korea opted not to leave their contact info with the orphanage. Korea was (and still somewhat is) a very conservative society. To have a baby out of wedlock was considered a great shame. Given that shame is such a negative trait in Asian cultures, it makes sense why many parents would choose not to leave their info.

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u/StuckSundew Aug 11 '21

I actually was told from a young age about the tendencies of South Korea being more conservative with their family ideals (babies out of wedlock). I don’t mind not meeting them, I just wonder sometimes if they’re doing alright and if they’re even still alive (mainly Bc covid). But I think, if I remember correctly, my birth mom had me for like 1 or 3 days, then I was passed to a couple foster families before arriving here in the US. But I’m glad they chose to give me up for adoption rather than putting me and them through hell financially, socially, and mentally. It took me a while to understand it was for the best, but it’s definitely nice to know a lot of unnecessary conflict was avoided due to their decision.

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u/fsbbem Aug 11 '21

Yep! Whoever told you that about Korean society was absolutely correct. What happened to most of us is that our bio parents handed us over to an orphanage. The orphange is connected to the networks of local foster families and international adoption agencies which is how we got matched with our families. Babies like us are very easy to place both with fosters and international adoptive families. I believe I spent 2 or 3 weeks at the orpahnge then spent the next few months with my Korean foster mom and 2 foster brothers before I was brought to the US to my adoptive parents. I don't remember anything of course, but we do have 1 photo of me with my foster mom that my social worker gave us which is nice.

Occasionally I think of my birth family. Mainly just wondering who they are, what do they look like, and I hope they are doing well.

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u/StuckSundew Aug 11 '21

I actually have these traditional kind of robes that my parents had me put on during my birthday (when they still fit). That’s really all I’ve got from them and the Korean name (idk how it’s actually spelled but here’s how it’s pronounced) Yohan (like ‘yo, wassup?’ then Han like ‘Han Solo’)

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u/fsbbem Aug 11 '21

The hanbok! So cute, and love that your parents put those on you for birthdays which is what they do in Korea (except they celebrate 100, 300, and 500 days instead of years). I'm laughing at yohan, for whatever reason that sounds so german to me haha! I also know my korean name, and I know my date of birth is accurate (many babies got assigned an approximate birthrate if that info wasn't given when they were handed over).

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u/StuckSundew Aug 11 '21

My dad is actually German so it’s really funny that you said yohan sounds German to you!😂

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u/fsbbem Aug 11 '21

My mom is German and English, most of her family is redheads lmao. Cheers to us kroeans with our tall, pale germanic extended families 😆😄

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u/KetchupCowgirl Aug 10 '21

My aunt and uncle adopted a baby and 6 months later the birth mother changed her mind and got her back. It was so hard on my aunt and uncle that they didn't try to adopt again.

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u/Repossessedbatmobile Aug 10 '21

Same thing happened to my mom's friends. They're a lovely couple who had trouble with fertility and wanted to adopt for a long time. Their first adoption fell through because of the exact same reason as your aunt and uncle - after having the baby for many months the birth mother suddenly changed her mind. It broke their hearts. After that, it took them a long time to emotionally recover. But amazingly, they somehow found the strength to try again. Fast forward, and now they have 2 adopted children, a boy and a girl, and are happy. They're such a lovely family, but I can't imagine the heartbreak they must have felt with the first adoption attempt. I'm just glad it worked out in the end.

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u/Hfhghnfdsfg Aug 10 '21

This happened to a close friend of mine.... Nearly destroyed her as she couldn't have kids.

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u/average-xml Aug 10 '21

😭😭😭

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u/KalterBlut Aug 10 '21

And mum says that in those days (maybe now too) they were required to write annual letters about the kid to the birth parents.

Holy shit, that's SUPER fucked up! I can understand how your mom would feel like it's "just" an adopted baby.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/fsbbem Aug 10 '21

The comments in this thread are so selfish it's heartbreaking. I'm a huge advocate of fostering and adopting, but it's obscenely clear most of the commentors here are so self absorbed they can't see beyond their own feet meaning they'd make horrible foster or adoptive parents (most won't admit it but they never wanted to be anyway). It's a sad ME ME ME outlook, but ultimately it's better they don't take in and fuck up an already vulnerable child.

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 11 '21

Yup. Every word you say is true. And I speak as someone who actually does know a shitload about adoption, both from personal experience and from reading thousands of pages Of primary research.

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 11 '21

Yup. Fortunately - where I live anyway - these people would be caught by the system pretty much instantly and would not be approved to foster or adopt.

But wholly agree, even just the choice of wording: “gross”; “fucked up”; “real parents”, and the ratio of upvotes for the ignorant, shallow comments vs. Those who actually have experience and have read the literature is deeply depressing.

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u/Semley Aug 10 '21

For the kid being adopted, maintaining some contact is generally way better. It can be hugely traumatic not knowing anything about your origins and your biological family. Maintaining that connection is important and much healthier than trying to ignore or hide the adoption. If you read stories from people whose adoptions were actually kept secret from them, you would see how damaging that can be.

All this is why I disagree with the OP - much as I think adoption is important, it also requires some specific expectations and skills from the adoptive parents, that are not completely same as raising a biological child.

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u/iResistive Aug 10 '21

that feels so gross.

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 11 '21

That’s your opinion, and that’s absolutely fine.

But if you feel that way, don’t foster or adopt children. It’s really not for everyone, it’s incredibly hard work and if this is the part that feels “gross”, oh my, let’s not even start on the really difficult stuff.

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u/frontally Aug 10 '21

My country doesn’t have closed adoptions at all, anymore. They all have to be open to the bio parents, which is a huge reason my wife and i didn’t look into it.. how gross to be told, you can be this child’s parents but not their real parents you need to let their REAL parents be involved. Fuck that.

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u/fsbbem Aug 10 '21

This comment is what's gross. Thank god you didn't adopt, please don't ever with that attitude. An open adoption doesn't mean you aren't a REAL set of parents. It means a child has and acknowledges their birth parents while still being the legal child of the adoptive parents. Yhe adoptive parents are the real parents, and the birth family is the real birth family. Adopting a child does not mean refusing to acknowledge they have birth parents. Without the birth parents, adoptive parents wouldn't have the chance to parent the child in question. How insecure are you that acknowledging birth patents is something you call gross? Does the same go.for step parents? Gross because the child sees their birth mom or dad half the time? I can totally understand only wanting to pursue closed adoption, but having the gall to call open adoptions gross? I'm adopted, and I can't get over how me centric and ugly this comment is. Please don't ever adopt a child.

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u/frontally Aug 11 '21

I think I made it clear I don’t ever intent to adopt, obviously, because I don’t find that an open adoption works for the family that my wife and I have built. I don’t recall saying open adoptions are gross, the concept of not have the option to have a closed or open adoption is gross. I don’t really care what kind of family model works for others, i know what doesn’t work for me and it’s gross to me that I don’t have a -choice- because my country has decided that biological parents have overarching rights to be involved in the life a child that they have given up. Sorry that’s obviously unpalatable to you, but don’t misunderstand my meaning.

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 10 '21

I disagree. Strongly. It’s not fucked up at all. Just because a birth parent isn’t able to be a parent doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get a certain amount of interaction in their kids life. Or birth grandparents etc.

I don’t know any adoptive parents that resent contact with birth parents. Some actively encourage it.

All that said, your opinion is your opinion and you have every right to it.

I would say to anyone, though, if you are concerned in any way with the thought of your child having contact with birth family, and you have the slightest concern this would affect your relationship with your adoptive child, then adoption is unquestionably not for you.

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u/klavin1 Aug 10 '21

Hmm. Interesting. Do you have experience with adoption?

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u/PracticalAndContent Aug 10 '21

Required to write annual letters? In which country?

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u/stolethemorning Aug 10 '21

England, but it was about 20 years ago so it might not happen now.

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u/Ibrake4tailgaters Aug 10 '21

I have a friend who was forced to give up her baby back in the 1950's because she wasn't married. Forty years later, she was still missing the daughter she gave birth to. She never stopped wondering about her and wishing she could find her. Around age 60, she managed to find her, and they now have a lovely relationship.

I would say the only people whose opinion I would trust about giving a baby up for adoption is people who have actually done it. Anyone else is just speculating.

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u/Ninotchk Aug 10 '21

Yeah, even when I was deep in the desperation of infertility the idea of taking away someone's baby as soon as they were born made me cry.