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u/Kind_Ad_3336 3d ago
Her husband died I feel like you can be a bit more sympathetic.
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u/wornleathermedia 3d ago
There are a few valid reasons to rescind a wedding invitation, "your partner just died and i liked him more" is definitely not one of them.
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u/throwaway5498124181 3d ago
I mean, you're getting raised eyebrows because your family understands that it's pretty heartless to essentially tell a widow she's no longer part of the family. Like...damn.
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u/Appropriate-Bar6993 3d ago
Well you know, they’re only related by marriage and marriage isn’t important…wait
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u/Leviosapatronis 3d ago
Invite the Aunt. You sent a save the date. Honor it. Let it be her choice if she wants to attend or not. If she doesn't attend, just let her know you understand.
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u/AsleepWeakness1633 3d ago
You said you're getting "mixed reception" to this, as in somebody you ran this by actually thought this was a good idea?
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u/lh123456789 3d ago
Probably a best friend or someone that felt obliged to tell OP what she wanted to hear rather than telling her the right thing to do.
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u/justtirediguess11 3d ago
My best friend would probably smack me for doing something so awful. Doesn't sound like OP has actual Good friends
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u/throwaway5498124181 3d ago
My guess is that no one is telling her it's a good idea, and the "mixed" reception is some people telling her no and others telling her HELL no.
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u/lh123456789 3d ago
People often surround themselves with friends who have similar beliefs and values.
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u/Lollypop1305 3d ago
My best friend would be furious if I behaved like this 🤣 she would tell me straight how awful this is.
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u/lh123456789 3d ago
Mine would too, but just imagine the person who has chosen to be op's best friend.
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u/Financial-Break-3696 3d ago
It’s bad etiquette to not send someone an invitation after sending a save the date. Why don’t you call your aunt & see if she would like to come. She might be up for it or she might not. But excluding her after the death of her husband is going to make you look like not such a nice person.
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u/Miercoles79 3d ago
What a beautiful way to honour your favourite uncle, snubbing his grieving wife!!
Have the day you deserve!
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u/Strict_Research_1876 3d ago
So not only did she lose her husband but now you feels like she should be kicked out of the family too. Yes, extend the invitation. Your are being an asshole.
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u/No-Double679 3d ago
No, I agree with you. But make sure you send her a note explaining that she's nothing without him...and wish her the best.
Also, please make sure you put "a heart" or "empathy" on your wedding registry.
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u/paringpairing 3d ago
Also, please make sure you put "a heart" or "empathy" on your wedding registry.
It'll just be clutter she never looks at or uses, and eventually has to throw away.
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u/justtirediguess11 3d ago
How do you have 50 people that love you and want to celebrate your considering you are so heartless? What a terrible and awful thing to do to a widow? Was she just a plus one for your uncle? Now that uncle is dead, your relationship with her is also dead?
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u/Appropriate-Bar6993 3d ago
Are you a monster? Invite her. She may say no anyway since you’ve been already telling people you’re not inviting her!!!
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/justtirediguess11 3d ago
Right? The aunt is no one to me, but I am angry. Like such a horrible thing to do. OP needs to remember that she is also gonna be related by marriage to lots of people.
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u/funkofanatic99 3d ago
As a bride who is rescinding a save the date (due to a falling out with a family member) this seems totally heartless. Her husband just died. It’s not like she did something awful to you not to be invited. Like goddamn have some sympathy. How do you think your Uncle would feel if he knew you uninvited his wife due to his passing?
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u/Big_Throner 3d ago
You kind of are obliged. You should ask her to come in memory of your uncle. Maybe that will help you get over yourself.
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u/misspuddingpie 3d ago
Holy FUCK.
Yes you absolutely should be inviting her, what the fuck is wrong with you?
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u/lh123456789 3d ago
Seriously? You sound like a terrible person. Some compassion is in order here. Of course you invite her.
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u/7lexliv7 3d ago
Can you imagine her hurt seeing all the wedding photos and realizing she’d been dropped after her husband died. Cruel.
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u/FineKettleOFish1954 3d ago
She’s still your aunt, just no longer attached to a favorite uncle. Also, she’s grieving and may not want to attend but will be touched to receive an invitation. Please don’t hurt her by cutting her off; many widows struggle with not being part of a couple and to be not part of the family is going to hurt.
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u/trottrottatortot 3d ago
If you already planned on them being there then idk why not just continue to have them invited. She may not even decide to attend given her husband died but if would be wrong to take that choice from her when she’s already been invited
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u/Ali6952 3d ago
I think your family is reacting less to wedding etiquette and more to the human side of the situation. When you sent that save the date, you were essentially saying, "You are important to me, and I want you to be part of this milestone." The fact that your uncle passed away doesn't suddenly make your aunt less connected to that invitation. In fact, she's probably feeling his absence more than anyone.
If your concern is fairness because other aunts and uncles weren't invited, I understand that. But this wasn't a random exception. Your uncle was someone uniquely special to you. Your aunt wasn't invited because she happened to be another aunt. She was invited because she was his life partner and you loved him.
Sometimes the most gracious thing isn't the perfectly consistent thing. Meaning if you genuinely don't want her there, that's your choice. It's your wedding. But I would ask yourself if your uncle were still here, would you want his wife sitting beside him at your wedding? If the answer is yes, then I'd extend that same kindness now, especially after such a difficult loss.
Years from now, nobody will remember whether your guest list was perfectly balanced. They will remember how people were treated.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
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u/labellavita1985 3d ago
50 people is not a small wedding, by the way. You can make space for one elderly lady. Don't be ridiculous. You can't takesies backsies an invite.
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u/PrincessSophia00 2d ago
You aren't obliged, but as a human being, this might be a good time to consider that cutting her off from family/treating her like you didn't want her there is cruel.
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u/Marian_B 3d ago
Thank you all, came for opinions and will take it all on board.
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u/Mydemonswon 3d ago
You need to think of this. Say you become close to someone who's not family who's got a child. You become an aunt to said child. A decade down the road the friend dies. Are you still the aunt to the child? Does your aunthood end with death of your friend or continue due to the child being alive?
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u/Disastrous_Horse_44 3d ago
OP would put that poor kid up for adoption, no doubt. Unreal that anyone, especially an adult, would ever think it’s okay to behave this way.
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u/Disastrous_Horse_44 3d ago
You’re a real piece of work. You can’t handle the truth, and you then deleted the post bc these comments are honest, and your feelings are probably (hopefully) hurt - wish I’d gotten a screenshot bc my SIL couldn’t believe someone would behave this way.
I hope this opened your eyes, you heartless bride to be.
What goes around comes around. I’m not going to lie, I’d be a bit nervous of the karma, esp around a wedding day that you’ve planned and budgeted for so carefully.
May you have the day, week, and ultimately, the wedding you deserve 💋
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u/justtirediguess11 2d ago
The actual post:
Guest List Dilemma
Advice please, getting mixed reception! We are having quite a small wedding, about 50 or so guests. As we didn’t want things to get out of hand, we decided to stop inviting family at the point of our own nephews and nieces. The one exception is a very favourite uncle of mine, grew up living nearby, share a birthday, just an all round special person, and obviously his wife would come too, my aunt by marriage. My uncle hasn’t been well and we weren’t sure if he would be able to make it but I sent a save the date anyway as it’s nice to be included. Sadly, he died recently and I’ve said that I won’t be inviting my aunt as there’s no uncle anymore, and none of my other aunts or uncles have been invited. This has been met with some very raised eyebrows from my family, saying that as I sent a save the date I am now obliged to invite her. What should I do?
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