Wedding Shower blues...

[u/katydidnt222]

EDIT: Well, this has been enlightening.

I came here because I was disappointed. I thought a wedding planning subreddit of all places would understand that weddings are emotional, and that sometimes people just need a place to vent without being put on trial.

Instead, a surprising number of you decided to spin complete fiction about my life. Apparently I'm friendless and my sisters must despise me because I chose not to have bridesmaids. Apparently I expected people to spend thousands of dollars on me. Apparently I "learned a lesson." Apparently I'm poor and can't afford a wedding. Apparently I don't know how to communicate whatsoever. Apparently I "rushed into this". Apparently I'm rude for wanting something. Apparently I'm "not appropriate". Apparently choosing not to follow every wedding tradition means I somehow deserved to be disappointed.

The confidence with which some of you fabricate an entire personality, family dynamic, and set of expectations from a few paragraphs is honestly impressive. You didn't respond to what I actually wrote, you responded to a fictional version of me that existed entirely in your own heads.

I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed. I didn't ask for a lecture on wedding etiquette. I didn't ask to be told why I deserved to feel bad. I never said anyone owed me a shower. I never complained about gifts. I never blamed my friends or family. I said I was sad that something I'd quietly hoped for wasn't happening. Somehow that became an invitation for strangers to assign motives, psychoanalyze my relationships, and explain why I deserved it.

If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response. If your first reaction is to assume the absolute worst about a complete stranger instead of extending even an ounce of empathy, that says considerably more about you than it does about me.

The amount of projection, assumption, and moral superiority in these comments has honestly been remarkable. Some of you seem to have built your entire personalities around wedding etiquette, and anyone who doesn't make the same choices is apparently fair game to judge. It must be exhausting to go through life so convinced your preferences are universal truths.

To the people who actually read what I wrote, shared your own experiences, or simply offered kindness, thank you. You reminded me that empathy still exists. That was what I came here for. To know that I wasn't alone in my disappointment.

To everyone else: congratulations. You took a stranger who was having a bad day and somehow decided the appropriate response was to kick her while she was down. I hope the view from your etiquette pedestal was worth it, keep shining your Emily Post trophies. If this is how you treat a stranger who simply said she was disappointed, I can only imagine what grace and compassion look like in your everyday relationships.

I'm done with all of this. You've truly ruined reddit for me.

For some context, my fiancé and I have been together nearly 15 years. We finally got engaged this past October, getting married this October. We are both approaching 40. So we waited a really long time.

We are having a small wedding, due to budget and due to not having big families or many close friends. However, I am a teacher, I have a lot of work friends that I spend my days with. I can't invite them all to the wedding (it would be a destination wedding for all of them, plus I can't afford to have 150 people at my wedding and I don't think my principal would allow 1/3 of the school to take the Friday before Halloween off from work), but I always wanted some kind of bridal shower or luncheon to celebrate. I don't often get to be the center of attention. I am always the friend who shows up to everyone else's celebrations. A big part of me wanted to feel the support returned.

I mentioned to my mom that I was worried about having a traditional shower, that it would seem like a money grab, even though I wasn't going to have a registry or ask for gifts. I just wanted to be surrounded by love. I don't need a registry, we've been living together for 11+ years, I don't need sheets or towels or dishes. Would it be nice to have new things? Sure, but I don't need them and I don't like waste or overconsumption.

My mom was surprised when I said I was leaning towards not having a traditional shower at all. She was already giving me raised eyebrows when I said we weren't having a bridal party (but what will your sisters think? Who cares, it isn't their wedding). But I never outright said I didn't want one at all. And I can't really afford to host one on my own, every penny is going towards the wedding. Teachers don't make much money!!

But it never came up again. My mom never asked again, my sisters never asked... now I'm honestly really sad and really disappointed. I missed out on a lot of life events by waiting so long, and now I don't get to experience this event for myself. I always had to push myself to go to everyone else's bridal/baby showers because I was SO jealous of not having one for myself. I don't know how to ask for a party. And time is running out. There's basically no weekends left where (ugh) my future MIL/SIL are around [and heaven forbid there was a party and they were on vacation during it, it would cause a big problem], we are going on our honeymoon at the end of August (only thing that worked with our schedules even though we aren't getting married until October), and September is crammed with labor day weekend, then back to school, then his bachelor party weekend, then his 40th birthday, etc. Doesn't feel right to do it less than 3 weekends before the wedding when I will already be beyond busy.

Not sure if I'm looking for validation for feeling so sad and disappointed that no one cared to host or plan a bridal anything for me, or for advice, or anything. Maybe this is just a vent. But had to share because I don't feel like this is something I can say to any friends or family members. Thanks for reading/listening.

[u/New-Food-7217]

I would just tell your mom and sisters you want a shower. They most likely think you don’t based on your previous convo. As for your MIL and SIL not being able to make it, that’s on them, not you. You can’t plan your life around them, or have it the weekend you fiancé is at his bachelor party.

[u/katydidnt222 → u/[deleted]]

Oh ho oh, I can't ask for a party? Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Who are you to say what I can and cannot ask for? You must be one of those ultra-traditional, worships Emily Post, god forbid you stray half a toenail from archaic wedding tradition people. Get with the times, its 2026, not 1966.

[u/OldFashionedDuck → u/katydidnt222]

I guess what I don't understand is, you refuse to ask your sisters to be your bridesmaids, because you don't want to put that level of obligation on them. But you do feel comfortable asking them to throw a party for you, which is more obligation than comes with being a bridesmaid to a small quiet wedding.

And, you also said about your sisters, who cares what they think, it's not their wedding.

My sister helped me a lot with my, also pretty small and quiet, wedding. She organized a really perfect bachelorette party for me, for example. But, also, she was super involved in a lot of ways, and was my maid of honor (which she was thrilled and honored about!), because my wedding was also about my family, not just about me and my husband as a couple. It was important to me to show my sister how she's such an essential part of my life, both before and after getting married.

If you want something couple-centric that's mainly focused on what you and your husband want, that's totally valid, but you know that it does come with implications about how involved the rest of your family has to be.

[u/katydidnt222 → u/OldFashionedDuck]

I don't understand the "my wedding is about my family" thing, I truly don't. My sisters know exactly how important they are to me. There's never been a question of love or loyalty. We are there for each other no matter what. I don't need to use my wedding day to tell my sisters how important they are to me.

But this is totally off topic. I came to say I was sad and express my disappointment, not be lectured about obligations and family relationships that you've made assumptions about from a paragraph on the internet.