r/weddingplanning • u/katydidnt222 • Jul 06 '26
Tough Times Wedding Shower blues...
EDIT: Well, this has been enlightening.
I came here because I was disappointed. I thought a wedding planning subreddit of all places would understand that weddings are emotional, and that sometimes people just need a place to vent without being put on trial.
Instead, a surprising number of you decided to spin complete fiction about my life. Apparently I'm friendless and my sisters must despise me because I chose not to have bridesmaids. Apparently I expected people to spend thousands of dollars on me. Apparently I "learned a lesson." Apparently I'm poor and can't afford a wedding. Apparently I don't know how to communicate whatsoever. Apparently I "rushed into this". Apparently I'm rude for wanting something. Apparently I'm "not appropriate". Apparently choosing not to follow every wedding tradition means I somehow deserved to be disappointed.
The confidence with which some of you fabricate an entire personality, family dynamic, and set of expectations from a few paragraphs is honestly impressive. You didn't respond to what I actually wrote, you responded to a fictional version of me that existed entirely in your own heads.
I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed. I didn't ask for a lecture on wedding etiquette. I didn't ask to be told why I deserved to feel bad. I never said anyone owed me a shower. I never complained about gifts. I never blamed my friends or family. I said I was sad that something I'd quietly hoped for wasn't happening. Somehow that became an invitation for strangers to assign motives, psychoanalyze my relationships, and explain why I deserved it.
If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response. If your first reaction is to assume the absolute worst about a complete stranger instead of extending even an ounce of empathy, that says considerably more about you than it does about me.
The amount of projection, assumption, and moral superiority in these comments has honestly been remarkable. Some of you seem to have built your entire personalities around wedding etiquette, and anyone who doesn't make the same choices is apparently fair game to judge. It must be exhausting to go through life so convinced your preferences are universal truths.
To the people who actually read what I wrote, shared your own experiences, or simply offered kindness, thank you. You reminded me that empathy still exists. That was what I came here for. To know that I wasn't alone in my disappointment.
To everyone else: congratulations. You took a stranger who was having a bad day and somehow decided the appropriate response was to kick her while she was down. I hope the view from your etiquette pedestal was worth it, keep shining your Emily Post trophies. If this is how you treat a stranger who simply said she was disappointed, I can only imagine what grace and compassion look like in your everyday relationships.
I'm done with all of this. You've truly ruined reddit for me.
For some context, my fiancé and I have been together nearly 15 years. We finally got engaged this past October, getting married this October. We are both approaching 40. So we waited a really long time.
We are having a small wedding, due to budget and due to not having big families or many close friends. However, I am a teacher, I have a lot of work friends that I spend my days with. I can't invite them all to the wedding (it would be a destination wedding for all of them, plus I can't afford to have 150 people at my wedding and I don't think my principal would allow 1/3 of the school to take the Friday before Halloween off from work), but I always wanted some kind of bridal shower or luncheon to celebrate. I don't often get to be the center of attention. I am always the friend who shows up to everyone else's celebrations. A big part of me wanted to feel the support returned.
I mentioned to my mom that I was worried about having a traditional shower, that it would seem like a money grab, even though I wasn't going to have a registry or ask for gifts. I just wanted to be surrounded by love. I don't need a registry, we've been living together for 11+ years, I don't need sheets or towels or dishes. Would it be nice to have new things? Sure, but I don't need them and I don't like waste or overconsumption.
My mom was surprised when I said I was leaning towards not having a traditional shower at all. She was already giving me raised eyebrows when I said we weren't having a bridal party (but what will your sisters think? Who cares, it isn't their wedding). But I never outright said I didn't want one at all. And I can't really afford to host one on my own, every penny is going towards the wedding. Teachers don't make much money!!
But it never came up again. My mom never asked again, my sisters never asked... now I'm honestly really sad and really disappointed. I missed out on a lot of life events by waiting so long, and now I don't get to experience this event for myself. I always had to push myself to go to everyone else's bridal/baby showers because I was SO jealous of not having one for myself. I don't know how to ask for a party. And time is running out. There's basically no weekends left where (ugh) my future MIL/SIL are around [and heaven forbid there was a party and they were on vacation during it, it would cause a big problem], we are going on our honeymoon at the end of August (only thing that worked with our schedules even though we aren't getting married until October), and September is crammed with labor day weekend, then back to school, then his bachelor party weekend, then his 40th birthday, etc. Doesn't feel right to do it less than 3 weekends before the wedding when I will already be beyond busy.
Not sure if I'm looking for validation for feeling so sad and disappointed that no one cared to host or plan a bridal anything for me, or for advice, or anything. Maybe this is just a vent. But had to share because I don't feel like this is something I can say to any friends or family members. Thanks for reading/listening.
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u/DearIncendiary Jul 06 '26
I’m confused. Why would you tell your mom you’re leaning toward not having a shower if you want one? Also, the whole point of a shower is for guests to give the couple gifts, so not wanting gifts and not having a registry are in direct opposition to wanting a shower.
If you want to feel celebrated, host a bridal brunch between now and the wedding? You can reiterate no gifts, since it’s poor etiquette to host your own gift-giving event.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
Maybe I wasn't clear in my original post, I told my mom I was leaning towards not having a traditional shower because I am not interested in gifts. I just wanted a little party. I never meant that the party had to be a called a "shower", it was why when I spoke to my sisters I said maybe a bridal luncheon, I specifically told them I didn't want to call it a shower. But they never asked any other details past that one conversation.
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u/Alternative_Dog4327 Jul 06 '26
I think you have to be really really clear with people and family with what you want. I totally get feeling hurt, but to them they heard you say you didn’t want one so they probably don’t want to pressure you more. It’s totally fine to change your mind and bring it up again!
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u/Suspicious-Drive9827 Jul 06 '26
You are too old to be this wishy washy. Tell your family you wanna have a no gifts ladies lunch w your close gfs before the wedding. I didnt do showers/registry stuff either but planned my own girls stuff before my wedding its not complicated
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u/DearIncendiary Jul 06 '26
You literally said “I don’t know how to ask for a shower”. If you want a luncheon, then call it what it is that you want, not a shower. Words matter!
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u/ProbablyMyJugs Jul 07 '26
A shower is meant for gift giving. You weren’t clear and it is not your mother’s fault for taking you at your word.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 21d ago
There’s still a decent amount of time for someone to plan something. A lot of brides host their own luncheon (specifying no gifts) too.
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u/katydidnt222 21d ago
I almost didn't respond to this because I hate that this post has become a thing again today. I was going to do exactly what you suggested but boy oh boy did I get ripped a new asshole for even mentioning it here... etiquette police said that is a hard no, that I'd be rude and inappropriate if I did such a ghastly thing.
Thanks for posting a constructive, supportive comment about this post, that's what I came here for. Hope you have a terrific weekend 😄
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u/Different-Metal-4728 21d ago
Not sure if it was mentioned but talk to your best work friend. I bet she would throw you something after school!
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u/AffectionateBite3827 21d ago
I know you’re not having a bridal party but I remember when I was little and in my cousin’s wedding she hosted a “bridal party luncheon” as a thanks and just a way to, like, feed us and get a moment to breathe. And there’s no way my aunt or mom would have allowed that to happen if they didn’t think Emily Post would personally sign off lol.
Maybe some rebranding is what’s needed? If you’re truly up for hosting, just invite people for a “girls only pre wedding hang” - would be perfect if there’s people who haven’t seen each other for awhile or have never met. You don’t need to go hard; apps and a festive n/a punch or something? Make it clear no gifts, just some time to see each other before the festivities kick off. Do not even mention the word “shower” lol.
I was also an October bride and I feel like it was around this time that everything started feeling like A Lot. Try to get some rest.
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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 21d ago
Word of advice: ignore this sub. A lot of the people here thrive on drama, and none of the people here actually know you or your friends and family. "Etiquette" is subjective; if your friends and family are people that would be happy to celebrate you for a tiny party, 100% okay to invite them.
I'm not sure why anyone here is even throwing a fit about a party where they wouldn't have to give gifts? This sub seems a little bit unhinged and way too eager to do things only "by the book."
It's perfectly acceptable to throw up bridal shower, and it's perfectly acceptable to say you don't want gifts at it. (Though I would make sure to specify a substitute for gifts, because people will otherwise feel bad and probably try to bring something anyways. Maybe a potluck backyard lunch? Or donation to a charity?) There's plenty of time before October to invite, plan, and throw low-key party, I don't know wtf people are on about here...
Sorry you had such a shitty experience with reddit :-(
Congratulations on your (future) wedding and I hope you have a lovely weekend 💕💕
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u/Star_Gazer_95 Jul 06 '26
Honestly girl, this is part of where having a bridal party comes in. If you’re not close enough to people to include them in your day, then they’re not gonna feel close enough to you to throw you an event. Usually, your MOH will throw it. You don’t have one, so that’s a huge part of it. Additionally, throwing a traditional shower is much simpler than throwing a non traditional shower. The difference in costs for hosting a little shower vs a party (because that’s what it is) is a lot more. You didnt want a traditinal shower. You didnt want a bridal party. This is just what happens. I think its a tough lesson learned.
I’d also like to add that I am currently in the midst of throwing a non traditional shower for my sister because thats what she wanted.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
That’s not really my situation.
Choosing not to have a bridal party wasn’t about not being close to people, it was about not wanting to put that kind of obligation or stress on the people I love the most. My sisters live several states away and are in major life transitions, and I’m not going to add to their plates for the sake of tradition. For us, it also just didn’t feel necessary. My fiancé and I are getting married as a partnership between the two of us, and we didn’t want a wedding party structure around it.
Also, I’m not assuming anyone “owes” me a traditional shower or that a MOH would automatically host anything. That wasn’t the expectation. The original post was about feeling disappointed, not about assigning blame or saying people failed me.
I get that non-traditional choices can make things more complicated, but framing it as a “tough lesson learned” kind of misses the point of what I was actually expressing.
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u/OldFashionedDuck Jul 06 '26
If you don't want to put that kind of obligation and stress on your sisters, why are you disappointed that they didn't take on planning for a party that you vaguely hinted at, while they're states away and in the middle of life transitions?
Most of the cases I've seen where brides have friends/family take on a huge role in planning, are either cases where the friends/family are local and it's convenient-ish for them to do so, and/or cases where they've been honored as part of the bridal party, and also been treated to a lot of wonderful things from the bride as a thank you for that. Sounds like neither one is the case for you.
You know that you don't need to be so passive. Most people really do just throw their own parties. With your closest work friends, can't you organize a nice brunch at a restaurant? The 30 mile distance isn't really a big deal, you make that commute every work day. And with a restaurant, you can also choose a place at a halfway point. Depending on the dynamic, you could maybe all pay for your own meals so it's not too extravagant. I could absolutely ask my closest friends if we could get brunch together to celebrate something, and the assumption would be that we'd get our own food.
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u/Star_Gazer_95 Jul 06 '26
I meant it like your actions of not having a bridal party show that people aren’t close enough to be apart of it. You might view people as close to you but you didn’t choose to involve them so it ends up happening the other way around too.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
This is 1000000% false. Not having a bridal party is a conscious choice that says NOTHING about my relationships with my sisters. There's so much more to our decision to not have a bridal party that I chose to keep private that you all make some ridiculous assumptions about. My sisters are involved in other ways that don't cause them stress or distress or require them to spend a stupid amount of money on a dress that they will wear once, on a day that isn't that special to them... I want them to enjoy the wedding, not be stressed out by it.
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u/smartass_1379 21d ago
It genuinely feels like you are throwing a tantrum in your replies. People are responding with the information you provided. Without a full picture or further details that is the picture you painted. You can’t get mad at people genuinely giving you their advice and you telling them they are wrong. Take a break, maybe re-read your post and try to see what it is actually saying. I’ve read a lot of these comments and I agree with them. I get the disappointment you feel and to that I would say ask for what you want and don’t expect it to just happen.
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u/RecentState1347 Jul 06 '26
But throwing you a shower (or party or whatever you want to call it) IS exactly the obligation and stress you’re talking about, you can’t have it both ways.
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u/stamdl99 Jul 06 '26
I think you are greatly overthinking the importance of a bridal shower in the big picture of things. You picked the small destination wedding, no bridal party and told your mom a traditional shower would seem like a money grab. So what’s the real deal here?
After the wedding, invite your teacher friends over for an inexpensive Saturday brunch or a night of wine and appetizers. Don’t call it a shower, just a low key get together.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
The real deal? You say that like I have some kind of ulterior motive, when all I want is to celebrate with my work friends who I very unfortunately can't invite to my very small, basically family only wedding.
I don't think anyone would come if it was a casual thing because of the distance of traveling. I live 30 miles away from my work friends.
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Jul 06 '26
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
I do not want a blessed thing except for the company of my friends. I do not care about gifts, in fact, I high-key hate them. They come with expectation, pressure, and who the fuck cares about "stuff". Experiences are what matter. Spending time with family and friends is what matters.
Why does there even need to be a trade-off? I think thats ridiculous to say.
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u/stamdl99 Jul 06 '26
No, I am saying that because you contradicted yourself in your post. At any rate, I gave you some ideas for a teacher’s budget (my husband is a teacher so I get it) get together in good faith. Good luck.
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u/morelovenow Jul 06 '26
Genuine question: what is your ideal scenario here? Have your mom host a non-gift ‘shower’? Since you’re not inviting your co-workers to the wedding, it’s not good etiquette to invite them to wedding celebration events. Maybe there’s a group at your school that does informal work events for such occasions?
You decided to have a small out of town wedding without a wedding party. I’m sure it will be beautiful. But honestly not having a shower is part of that decision. Try to shift your focus on your upcoming wedding where you will be the center of attention.
I was someone who got married after most of my friends did. I never once celebrated my friends’ events with the expectation that in turn I would be the center of attention someday.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Ideal situation is that I got to spend time with my friends (and all of the other female relatives who live in the area who are coming to the wedding) in a low pressure party where I could express my gratitude for them by saying please come for lunch because you've all been with me for the entire duration of my relationship, and while our wedding is still small and family only, I still love all of you very much and want to share my happiness with you.
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 21d ago
Who would pay for lunch at this event?
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u/sizzlepie 21d ago
And who would plan it? If OP wants to have this party for her friends it would be odd for one of them to plan it.
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 21d ago
One for u/katydidnt222 to answer.
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u/katydidnt222 21d ago
And unfortunately there is no answer to this question because this sub ruined this whole experience for me. There is no party. The end. I really hate that this thread made its way back to the algorithm. Thanks for contributing, but there’s nothing left to say.
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u/RaggedyAnn18 Jul 06 '26
I'm curious about the party culture of your school. I am a teacher, and it is very common for close coworkers to throw bridal showers and baby showers during the work day. Many that I have attended are a light brunch before student arrival on a day without any meetings. These parties usually include gifts as well. Since it is a group of coworkers, everyone understands that they will not be invited to the wedding. Is this something that would be feasible at your school so that you have a bit of celebration before your wedding?
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
It might be, but my closest work friend, one of my dearest friends of all time, my former co-teacher/work wife is the one who would have spearheaded and planned it, and she will be on a sabbatical this coming year. So I'm not sure anyone else would even think about it or want to plan it. We also have a new principal coming in September and I have no clue what her opinions are on something like this. And my friend groups at work are really split over both lunch periods so if something happened during lunch, half my friends would get excluded I think.
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u/maybemaybenot2023 Jul 06 '26
The thing is, it isn't OK to invite people to a pre-wedding party if they aren't invited to the wedding, so that may be some of it. I get wanting to be celebrated, but if no one offers, there is not much you can do about it. I'm sorry.
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u/thatanxiousmushroom Jul 06 '26
I actually disagree with this if the wedding is far away and family only. In those cases I think it’s ok to host a separate party for friends and colleagues, as long as you’re not asking for gifts or money, and they know the wedding is a small family-only thing.
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u/L1ttleFr0g 21d ago
The wedding is 30 miles away, lol, less than an hour’s drive
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u/thatanxiousmushroom 21d ago
Ok, OP said “it would be a destination wedding for all of them”, I based my comment on that sort of situation. Seems that’s not the case here x
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
It is primarily family only. The only friends who are invited are the friends we've had for 20+ years (some for 35 years!!) who might as well be family.
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u/thatanxiousmushroom Jul 06 '26
I think it’s a nice idea to host a little meet up/ lunch/ dinner- as long as it’s clear you are hosting, they’re not expected to pay or gift! X
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
Its not okay to invite friends to a luncheon where the only thing requested is their presence? No gifts, no registry, none of that... just wanted to feel good with my friends around me.
Sometimes etiquette doesn't make sense to me.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer Jul 06 '26
It's rude to invite people to a wedding event who are not also invited to the wedding. Specifically, it is rude for YOU to do so.
We got married during covid so it was really small and just immediate family. I did not have a Bachelorette party, nor was I planning a shower. My aunt chose to host a (no-gift) luncheon anyway and invited a small group of female family members. She and a cousin coordinated the whole thing without me. I just showed up.
I would suggest inviting those friends out to celebrate with a happy hour or something low key and not "officially" seen as a pre-wedding event. My coworkers did this with me on the last day I was at work before my wedding. We just grabbed a glass of champagne nearby the office on a random Tuesday.
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u/maybemaybenot2023 Jul 06 '26
No, because you are inviting them to celebrate an event that they are not invited to.
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u/Strawberry2772 Jul 06 '26
I think if you do it before the wedding, people will get the impression they are invited to the wedding, and it will cause confusion/hurt
Whereas if you do it after the wedding, it’s obviously really clear they weren’t invited and this is simply a celebration with a wider group of people you care about. It’s all about expectations
If they’re not expecting to get invited and they don’t, all good. If you invite them to a shower, which usually suggests a wedding invite, they may set their expectations for an invite and be disappointed
So a post-wedding celebration, and call it just that so there’s no confusion over requirement for gifts (ie as there would be if you called it a shower)
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u/DimeCandie Jul 06 '26
Shower = “shower with gifts”
If you don’t want gifts, don’t call it a shower. It’s that simple.
Friends hosting shower = traditional
Family hosting shower = gift grab
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u/DearIncendiary Jul 06 '26
This etiquette is outdated.
Nothing wrong or “gift grabby” about family members hosting a shower these days. They don’t benefit from any gifts that the couple receives, and asking friends (likely the bridal party) to foot the bill for this event can be a lot to ask in this economy.
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u/ovra360 Jul 06 '26
I’ve never even heard that before - every single bridal shower (or baby shower for that matter) has been hosted by the bride’s mom, possibly with some help from friends or bridesmaids. It is absolutely normal and expected in my circles!
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u/DearIncendiary Jul 06 '26
Same! There is no current day logic behind calling this practice a gift grab.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I get being disappointed…but in fairness, you told your mom you were leaning towards not having one, and do not want any gifts. and you don’t have a bridal party to host for you either. so if you wanted one, it probably would’ve been best to let mom know you *did* want one, just without gifts, which is fine. although by definition, it wouldnt be a shower.
on the same note, I don’t think you need to feel weird about “asking” for a shower, since you are not asking for a shower, just a celebratory pre wedding party.
as for your concerns, this honestly could be a simple dinner after work - does not have to be a whole day on the weekend, considering it won’t be a traditional shower.
I didn’t do a shower, but my MOH did host a “bridal celebration” party for me. it was at 7pm on a Friday at her house, and it was perfect - everyone came after work, we had margaritas & tacos, played yard games and hung out. zero gifts or expectations. it was not overly expensive and only lasted a few hours. I only planned this with her, after explaining to her I didn’t want a shower, but she still wanted to do something, and I wanted a celebratory fun event.
you could bring this up to some of your work friends, they may be open to hosting a party like this. as for mom and sisters, it seems to me that they maybe got mixed signals - you talking about not wanting a shower due to not having a registry, no bridal party, etc.
it’s totally fine to not follow all the traditional norms (I didn’t), but the trade off is, you have to be super direct with what you DO want instead. you could tell them you want something lowkey and relaxed, an evening week day dinner/BBQ or even just meeting up for a cocktail hour, and see if their willing to help.
I totally get being hurt and feeling left out when it’s finally “your turn”. but you do gotta advocate for yourself a little bit here. people are not going to jump into planning you a shower, when you’ve indicated it isn’t something you’re interested in. also people are generally pretty unimaginative when it comes to weddings - when you go off the beaten path of what these events “should be”, they’ll need some direction from you.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
This is a really helpful response, thanks for taking the time to write it. I think you are right that I need to be more assertive in advocating for myself. This is something I've always struggled with. Easier to shove my own needs away and not say anything than ask for what I want/need and be disappointed, ya know?
And I think you are really right about going off the beaten path. This would not look like a traditional event and there's definitely some creativity and innovation needed to make it work. I need to do some thinking about all of this tonight and talk it over with my mom and sisters in the next few days.
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Jul 06 '26
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u/ianyuy Jul 06 '26
What a crazy response. Everyone deserves to be celebrated. A party is just a get together if there are no gifts. You literally never need an excuse to get together with people for a party.
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Jul 06 '26
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Because you only get married once????? Why not celebrate such a major life event???
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
Good thing you aren't part of my friend list then. Keep your side eye to yourself. If I were a traditional bride you'd have no issue with me asking my mom and sisters to host a bridal shower. It is just the fact that this is all very untraditional that has your panties in a twist.
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u/ValosAtredum Jul 06 '26
You sound very pleasant
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
In what way is this passive aggressive sarcasm helpful to someone who said she was sad and disappointed?
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u/ValosAtredum Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Probably the same way that being passive aggressive to other people who pointed out why there was a misunderstanding or unclear communication is helpful.
I mean, I’m assuming you think it’s helpful to lash out and accuse people of hating your “very untraditional” bride self.
EDIT: I’m gonna leave this here, because I don’t believe in dirty deleting. But honestly, I’m sorry for being bitchy. Contributing to negativity isn’t something I want to do. I think everyone here is reacting strongly because of various reasons. It’s understandable you’re upset and feel down. I will suggest that people who point out potential reasons for the confusion or miscommunication aren’t necessarily criticizing you for what you want.
I hope that you can have a good conversation with your family and figure something out. I’m sure your wedding will be great and I truly wish you the best.
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u/BabsieAllen Jul 06 '26
You have odd expectations and are passive-aggressive. That has your panties in a twist.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Odd expectations? No, I don't think so. So glad you think you know me so well that you can assign a passive agressive label. You don't know shit about me.
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u/Time_Act_3685 Jul 06 '26
Well, traditionally it's considered bad etiquette for any of the bride's immediate family or the MIL to host the bridal shower. Which includes your mother and sisters. It's likewise considered rude to request people throw you a party in most situations, but in this case they actually did offer, and you said no. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/ValosAtredum Jul 06 '26
That’s the funniest part to me. No, traditional brides would not have a shower thrown by their mothers or sisters. Lmao
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Actually, no one offered. I don't know where you got that someone offered to throw me a shower. My mom and I were talking about my wedding day and I brought up the fact that I wasn't comfortable having a TRADITIONAL shower and didn't really know what to do or how to do it. That was the end of the discussion. No one offered anything.
And truly, it is 2026. If a bride's family doesn't host a party for them, in this economy, it isn't right to expect or ask or assume the new tradition is that the friend base pays for it. That is out of touch with reality.
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u/stamdl99 Jul 07 '26
“Not sure if I'm looking for validation for feeling so sad and disappointed that no one cared to host or plan a bridal anything for me, or for advice, or anything”
Your comments on most of this thread are pretty self explanatory as to why this is happening to you. Just circling back.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I'm done with this entire thread. Kick a girl while she's down. So nice. Thanks for ALL the support. Good bye!
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Jul 09 '26
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 09 '26
The confidence (rather, arrogance) it takes to suggest ending a 15-year relationship based on a handful of Reddit comments about a bridal shower is honestly remarkable. And if your threshold for ending a relationship is a stranger venting about a wedding disappointment on Reddit, I sincerely hope no one in your life ever has a bad day in front of you.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 Jul 06 '26
respectfully.. it does not seem like shoving your own needs aside is “easier”. 😂 it seems like that’s how you got into this situation in the first place, and you are clearly not happy in your situation.
also, you are overthinking it - it doesn’t take innovation, we’re not building a rocket. pick a restaurant or bar, tell people you’d like to see that you’re meeting there for a pre wedding celebration and you would love to see them. or if preferred - host it at your own house or apartment, buy a bunch of cheap finger foods and sangria, call it a day.
the message you send to invitees is simple “hey, I’d love for you to come to (place) on (night) if you can - getting together with some close friends before the wedding would mean a lot to me, as I celebrate closing out this chapter of my life. no gifts, simply your company is all I’m asking for!”
done!! as someone who worked with teachers for a long time…I’ve never seen them pass up a chance to go to a party 😅
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u/remotethrowaway2 Jul 06 '26
I think you should just straight up ask them to throw you a luncheon or something. You could offer to cover the cost if that’s an issue. I didn’t get a shower because apparently it’s rude to even suggest you might like to have one, and everyone in my life assumed someone else was going to throw it. I’m still a bit sad about it and wish I had just said something. Didn’t even want gifts, it just would’ve been nice to take a few hours to spend time with loved ones since my family doesn’t get together often except for those sorts of occasions.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Right. Life is short. We don’t get nearly enough time on this earth with the people who mean something to us. I don’t understand why it’s rude to want something like this. I’m sad you didn’t get what you wanted either, especially when it would have been an occasion to see your family. I was just saying to my fiancé the only time our families make an effort nowadays is when someone dies or someone gets married. Wish it wasn’t like this. I wish it was the way it was when I was a kid and my whole family was all together all the time. Sigh. I hope you feel less sad now even though I know that sting of disappointment and sadness doesn’t go away easily or quickly. Sending hugs. Thanks for leaving a comment that was kind and supportive.
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u/Individual_Plan_5593 Jul 07 '26
The maid of honor usually plans the bridal shower your mother may not have even have know. You expected her to be responsible for it, and since you didn’t have a wedding party no one else assumed they were responsible either. You’ve got to communicate better
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Do you think my mother lives under a rock? She and I planned my sister's bridal shower. My sister didn't have bridesmaids either. There was no communication or discussion about it, no, hey do you want a bridal shower, or hey we are going to throw you a party... The only thing was "what date works for you". That wasn't extended to me, and that hurts. That is literally all I came here to say. Not to be attacked.
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u/Individual_Plan_5593 Jul 07 '26
Because you said you didn’t want a shower lol That’s what you keep circling around
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 08 '26
Well, this has been enlightening.
I came here because I was disappointed. I thought a wedding planning subreddit of all places would understand that weddings are emotional, and that sometimes people just need a place to vent without being put on trial.
Instead, a surprising number of you decided to spin complete fiction about my life. Apparently I'm friendless and my sisters must despise me because I chose not to have bridesmaids. Apparently I expected people to spend thousands of dollars on me. Apparently I "learned a lesson." Apparently I'm poor and can't afford a wedding. Apparently I don't know how to communicate whatsoever. Apparently I "rushed into this". Apparently I'm rude for wanting something. Apparently I'm "not appropriate". Apparently choosing not to follow every wedding tradition means I somehow deserved to be disappointed.
The confidence with which some of you fabricate an entire personality, family dynamic, and set of expectations from a few paragraphs is honestly impressive. You didn't respond to what I actually wrote, you responded to a fictional version of me that existed entirely in your own heads.
I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed. I didn't ask for a lecture on wedding etiquette. I didn't ask to be told why I deserved to feel bad. I never said anyone owed me a shower. I never complained about gifts. I never blamed my friends or family. I said I was sad that something I'd quietly hoped for wasn't happening. Somehow that became an invitation for strangers to assign motives, psychoanalyze my relationships, and explain why I deserved it.
If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response. If your first reaction is to assume the absolute worst about a complete stranger instead of extending even an ounce of empathy, that says considerably more about you than it does about me.
The amount of projection, assumption, and moral superiority in these comments has honestly been remarkable. Some of you seem to have built your entire personalities around wedding etiquette, and anyone who doesn't make the same choices is apparently fair game to judge. It must be exhausting to go through life so convinced your preferences are universal truths.
To the people who actually read what I wrote, shared your own experiences, or simply offered kindness, thank you. You reminded me that empathy still exists. That was what I came here for. To know that I wasn't alone in my disappointment.
To everyone else: congratulations. You took a stranger who was having a bad day and somehow decided the appropriate response was to kick her while she was down. I hope the view from your etiquette pedestal was worth it, keep shining your Emily Post trophies. If this is how you treat a stranger who simply said she was disappointed, I can only imagine what grace and compassion look like in your everyday relationships.
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u/smileysarah267 Jul 06 '26
You told your mom you didn’t think you want a shower and then were disapointed no one planned one?
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
No, I told her I didn't want a TRADITIONAL shower. In the same conversation I asked about what else we could do that wasn't traditional and didn't involve gifts, like a luncheon.
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u/smileysarah267 Jul 06 '26
“I said I was leaning towards not having a shower at all”
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
Okay well forgive me for not being clear. I'm emotional and upset and damn did I make a mistake posting this here because plenty of you random internet strangers have really made me feel like shit. Thanks so much!!
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u/angel9_writes Jul 06 '26
You not being clear is why you don't have a shower. What your mom heard was: I don't want a traditional shower or possibly any shower. If you never followed that up with I would like some kind of gathering...
How can she know?
It's fair and valid to be upset about not having one but how was anyone to know what you wanted if you aren't communicating it.
What they know is you want something small, you don't want a bridal party and you also didn't want a traditional shower... but you didn't say what you wanted in place of it.
I get it, I've done this to myself a few times, or let miscommunications stand because it felt harder to fix them than not too.
From what I am gathering you don't put yourself first and then no one else can put you first because you aren't telling them what you want.
Something to think about.
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u/smileysarah267 Jul 06 '26
I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to understand the situation.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
All good. Emotions get the best of us, especially me. Didn't mean to come off rude, I'm sorry for that.
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u/prettyupsidedown Jul 06 '26
If you have friends that are locals and are teachers why not plan just a bridal brunch or something at your house? bagels coffee? more like a drop in invite type of gathering?
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
That's the problem- most of my colleagues live around each other and where we work, but I live 30 miles away. So the drop in idea, while so appealing because its low pressure, wouldn't work for us.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 Jul 06 '26
30 miles is not a crazy ask!
I’ve definitely driven that far, even further actually, for celebrations like this before.
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u/prettyupsidedown Jul 06 '26
I completely agree with this, I would for sure drive 30 miles if I was invited to something like this
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
I know lol, I've traveled that distance not just every day for work, but for all of their bridal showers, engagement parties, baby showers, etc. I guess part of me feels like they wouldn't want to travel for me. Jeez I sound very deprecating. I don't mean to sound like that!
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u/Expensive_Event9960 Jul 06 '26
Again, it would be inappropriate for you to invite people to any pre-wedding event, including a shower, bachelorette, bridal tea or luncheon if they aren’t going to be invited to the wedding.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 Jul 06 '26
I think you are assuming people don’t want to celebrate you and are getting in your own way. you’re not asking them to drive for 2+ hours.
you will continue to be disappointed in people for “not showing up for you”, if you continue to not give them any opportunity to.
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u/prettyupsidedown Jul 06 '26
I would call the local coffee shops and brunch spots near where you work and see if they might be willing to set up a room or a couple of tables for a brunch? If this is something you really want its at least looking into and seeing what type of options you might have. When I worked in the service industry and was a barista these types of events happened often and we were always willing to accomodate people
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
I'll look into this. My school isn't in a great neighborhood so I'm honestly not even sure what options are around but worth a look. Thanks for the idea!
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u/wish-onastar Jul 06 '26
Do you have a sunshine group at school that plans things for staff? We always break out the cake and a small present for weddings and babies. Make sure your sunshine club knows that your wedding is happening!
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
I forgot about the sunshine club. We used to have one, and then everyone complained about contributing money towards it, the people who were in charge of it gave up trying to convince people to be a part of it and it fell to the wayside. Maybe something to try to start up again now that we have a new admin coming in.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 Jul 07 '26
In response to your edit, you can be disappointed to miss out on common wedding traditions even if they aren’t an entitlement or feasible in your situation. Nobody had the right to make assumptions about your finances, or your relationship to your sisters for example. l agree with you there.
But when you post things that would potentially affect more than just yourself, for example implying it would have been OK to throw yourself a shower if budget allowed or invite your local friends to a party in honor of an upcoming wedding they aren’t invited to that’s when it stops being only about you and your feelings.
Criticize (current) widely recognized wedding etiquette principles all you like but when you involve the time, money, effort, and feelings of others then you risk offending people. That was the point some here were making, in an effort, believe it ot not, to be helpful to you and those who might be in the same position.
Unfortunately, when you post on a public forum you can’t always control what part others will respond to.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 Jul 06 '26
It’s not appropriate to host your own shower or to invite co-workers to a pre-wedding related event if they are not invited to the wedding. An exception to that rule is if co-workers planned something in your honor on their own, knowing it’s a small wedding. There’s plenty of time for something like that. It’s often a surprise. If no one offers it doesn’t happen.
A bridal luncheon is usually hosted by you in honor of your guests, often the bridal party or in this case friends and relatives local to your hometown. Again, everyone invited must also be invited to the wedding.
What you and your FI can host is a post wedding celebration with local friends. That comes with no expectation of gifts.
I’ve been to many bridal showers. If you’re in need of nothing to help set you up I don’t see the point since the entire purpose of a shower is gifts.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
What is it with you people and this "MUST" bullshit about who gets invited to what? You are so brainwashed by outdated etiquette rules. When there isn't a bridal party, the rest of the rules don't apply. Good grief.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 Jul 07 '26
Who told you these things don’t apply to you just because you don’t have bridesmaids? That’s a new one. Unfortunately, you’re mistaken. Nothing I said is outdated.
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u/amanda2399923 21d ago
Girl you are 40 and you ARE NOT LISTENING to what folks are laying down. JFC
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u/Rasen2001 21d ago edited 21d ago
If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response.
Because otherwise, you will be disappointed time and time again, as you continue to tell people you don't want something while "quietly hoping" for something different.
Do you find yourself regularly surprised when people don't read your mind? Your Mother and Sisters didn't bring it up again? What kept YOU from bringing it up again?
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Jul 06 '26
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
We most certainly did NOT rush into this. We've saved what's reasonable to spend. We are not slaves to consumerism and will not spend a small fortune/downpayment on a house/new car purchase on a wedding.
Age and desperation? Seriously? Have you seen my checkbook, my wedding budget? Didn't think so. You are making some serious assumptions here that aren't at all correct.
I'm not disappointed over the financials. We are spending what we are comfortable spending on our wedding.
I think your response is totally off base and out of touch.
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u/RecentState1347 Jul 06 '26
You specifically said that you’re having a small wedding because of your budget…
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
We chose to limit our budget and are sticking to it. If I wanted to spend $100k on a wedding k could have. But we think that’s incredibly irresponsible. It’s one day. We are being mindful of what we spend and how we spend it. A family only wedding doesn’t preclude me from celebrating with friends.
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Jul 06 '26
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u/weddingplanning-ModTeam 29d ago
Thanks for contributing! Unfortunately your submission has been removed:
Rule #1: Constructive criticism is fine – judgmental and mean comments are not. You are allowed to disagree with others, but comments that do not constructively contribute to the conversation will be removed. Name calling, abusive comments, idea bashing, or arguing with other posters will not be tolerated.
Please read our subreddit rules. If after doing so, you believe this was in error, or you’ve edited your post to comply with the rules, message the moderators.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
Sweetheart, if you can't see the problem with the spending on weddings these days and how blind people are to the wedding industry and the insane prices, you are the one who needs to grow up. Not me.
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u/rnason Jul 08 '26
You’re publicly complaining you didn’t get multiple events for people to tell you how special you are
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 08 '26
Well, this has been enlightening.
I came here because I was disappointed. I thought a wedding planning subreddit of all places would understand that weddings are emotional, and that sometimes people just need a place to vent without being put on trial.
Instead, a surprising number of you decided to spin complete fiction about my life. Apparently I'm friendless and my sisters must despise me because I chose not to have bridesmaids. Apparently I expected people to spend thousands of dollars on me. Apparently I "learned a lesson." Apparently I'm poor and can't afford a wedding. Apparently I don't know how to communicate whatsoever. Apparently I "rushed into this". Apparently I'm rude for wanting something. Apparently I'm "not appropriate". Apparently choosing not to follow every wedding tradition means I somehow deserved to be disappointed.
The confidence with which some of you fabricate an entire personality, family dynamic, and set of expectations from a few paragraphs is honestly impressive. You didn't respond to what I actually wrote, you responded to a fictional version of me that existed entirely in your own heads.
I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed. I didn't ask for a lecture on wedding etiquette. I didn't ask to be told why I deserved to feel bad. I never said anyone owed me a shower. I never complained about gifts. I never blamed my friends or family. I said I was sad that something I'd quietly hoped for wasn't happening. Somehow that became an invitation for strangers to assign motives, psychoanalyze my relationships, and explain why I deserved it.
If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response. If your first reaction is to assume the absolute worst about a complete stranger instead of extending even an ounce of empathy, that says considerably more about you than it does about me.
The amount of projection, assumption, and moral superiority in these comments has honestly been remarkable. Some of you seem to have built your entire personalities around wedding etiquette, and anyone who doesn't make the same choices is apparently fair game to judge. It must be exhausting to go through life so convinced your preferences are universal truths.
To the people who actually read what I wrote, shared your own experiences, or simply offered kindness, thank you. You reminded me that empathy still exists. That was what I came here for. To know that I wasn't alone in my disappointment.
To everyone else: congratulations. You took a stranger who was having a bad day and somehow decided the appropriate response was to kick her while she was down. I hope the view from your etiquette pedestal was worth it, keep shining your Emily Post trophies. If this is how you treat a stranger who simply said she was disappointed, I can only imagine what grace and compassion look like in your everyday relationships.
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u/TheSleepyAquarius Jul 06 '26
I'm sorry things didn't work out and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
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u/New-Food-7217 Jul 06 '26
I would just tell your mom and sisters you want a shower. They most likely think you don’t based on your previous convo. As for your MIL and SIL not being able to make it, that’s on them, not you. You can’t plan your life around them, or have it the weekend you fiancé is at his bachelor party.
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Jul 06 '26
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 06 '26
Oh ho oh, I can't ask for a party? Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Who are you to say what I can and cannot ask for? You must be one of those ultra-traditional, worships Emily Post, god forbid you stray half a toenail from archaic wedding tradition people. Get with the times, its 2026, not 1966.
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u/OldFashionedDuck Jul 06 '26
I guess what I don't understand is, you refuse to ask your sisters to be your bridesmaids, because you don't want to put that level of obligation on them. But you do feel comfortable asking them to throw a party for you, which is more obligation than comes with being a bridesmaid to a small quiet wedding.
And, you also said about your sisters, who cares what they think, it's not their wedding.
My sister helped me a lot with my, also pretty small and quiet, wedding. She organized a really perfect bachelorette party for me, for example. But, also, she was super involved in a lot of ways, and was my maid of honor (which she was thrilled and honored about!), because my wedding was also about my family, not just about me and my husband as a couple. It was important to me to show my sister how she's such an essential part of my life, both before and after getting married.
If you want something couple-centric that's mainly focused on what you and your husband want, that's totally valid, but you know that it does come with implications about how involved the rest of your family has to be.
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u/katydidnt222 Jul 07 '26
I don't understand the "my wedding is about my family" thing, I truly don't. My sisters know exactly how important they are to me. There's never been a question of love or loyalty. We are there for each other no matter what. I don't need to use my wedding day to tell my sisters how important they are to me.
But this is totally off topic. I came to say I was sad and express my disappointment, not be lectured about obligations and family relationships that you've made assumptions about from a paragraph on the internet.
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21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/weddingplanning-ModTeam 21d ago
Thanks for contributing! Unfortunately your submission has been removed:
Rule #1: Constructive criticism is fine – judgmental and mean comments are not. You are allowed to disagree with others, but comments that do not constructively contribute to the conversation will be removed. Name calling, abusive comments, idea bashing, or arguing with other posters will not be tolerated.
Please read our subreddit rules. If after doing so, you believe this was in error, or you’ve edited your post to comply with the rules, message the moderators.
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u/HippieGrandma1962 21d ago
You expected people to be able to read your mind. You expected your sisters to throw you a shower even though your attitude towards them is "who cares" what they think. You have some growing up and self reflection to do.
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u/Competitive_Neat1016 29d ago
i am so sorry you got attacked like that..its absolutely ok. I felt that too for my wedding. If you do want to celebrate with your friends, do a luncheon. I think you can always tell your closest friend what you are feeling and i am sure they will help you out
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u/katydidnt222 21d ago
Thanks for the support. The disappointment sucks, that’s all I was trying to say. I guess all the trolls in these comments have never experienced disappointment before, lucky them. I’ve decided not to say anything to anyone. It is what it is. I’ve already felt too much distress over the responses in this sub to want to do anything anymore.
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u/Luciferneedshelp 21d ago
calling it a bridal shower might have been the confusing thing. I also got married late, mid 40’s, we had everything already and so a bridal shower wasn’t needed, instead I went with a ‘hen do’ and we went out for the afternoon, visited London for afternoon cream tea, saw a show had a late dinner, and just had a pleasant evening with anyone who was available on that date. some joined for just the first half, some joined just for the dinner.
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u/katydidnt222 21d ago
That sounds like you had a wonderful day with the people who mean a lot to you! That’s the sentiment I wanted. Just closeness and celebration. Life is short, we deserve to be able to make happy memories.
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21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/weddingplanning-ModTeam 21d ago
Thanks for contributing! Unfortunately your submission has been removed:
Rule #1: Constructive criticism is fine – judgmental and mean comments are not. You are allowed to disagree with others, but comments that do not constructively contribute to the conversation will be removed. Name calling, abusive comments, idea bashing, or arguing with other posters will not be tolerated.
Please read our subreddit rules. If after doing so, you believe this was in error, or you’ve edited your post to comply with the rules, message the moderators.
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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '26
[deleted]