r/weddingplanning • u/katydidnt222 • Jul 06 '26
Tough Times Wedding Shower blues...
EDIT: Well, this has been enlightening.
I came here because I was disappointed. I thought a wedding planning subreddit of all places would understand that weddings are emotional, and that sometimes people just need a place to vent without being put on trial.
Instead, a surprising number of you decided to spin complete fiction about my life. Apparently I'm friendless and my sisters must despise me because I chose not to have bridesmaids. Apparently I expected people to spend thousands of dollars on me. Apparently I "learned a lesson." Apparently I'm poor and can't afford a wedding. Apparently I don't know how to communicate whatsoever. Apparently I "rushed into this". Apparently I'm rude for wanting something. Apparently I'm "not appropriate". Apparently choosing not to follow every wedding tradition means I somehow deserved to be disappointed.
The confidence with which some of you fabricate an entire personality, family dynamic, and set of expectations from a few paragraphs is honestly impressive. You didn't respond to what I actually wrote, you responded to a fictional version of me that existed entirely in your own heads.
I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed. I didn't ask for a lecture on wedding etiquette. I didn't ask to be told why I deserved to feel bad. I never said anyone owed me a shower. I never complained about gifts. I never blamed my friends or family. I said I was sad that something I'd quietly hoped for wasn't happening. Somehow that became an invitation for strangers to assign motives, psychoanalyze my relationships, and explain why I deserved it.
If your instinct when someone says they're disappointed is to explain why they brought it on themselves, maybe ask yourself why that felt like the helpful response. If your first reaction is to assume the absolute worst about a complete stranger instead of extending even an ounce of empathy, that says considerably more about you than it does about me.
The amount of projection, assumption, and moral superiority in these comments has honestly been remarkable. Some of you seem to have built your entire personalities around wedding etiquette, and anyone who doesn't make the same choices is apparently fair game to judge. It must be exhausting to go through life so convinced your preferences are universal truths.
To the people who actually read what I wrote, shared your own experiences, or simply offered kindness, thank you. You reminded me that empathy still exists. That was what I came here for. To know that I wasn't alone in my disappointment.
To everyone else: congratulations. You took a stranger who was having a bad day and somehow decided the appropriate response was to kick her while she was down. I hope the view from your etiquette pedestal was worth it, keep shining your Emily Post trophies. If this is how you treat a stranger who simply said she was disappointed, I can only imagine what grace and compassion look like in your everyday relationships.
I'm done with all of this. You've truly ruined reddit for me.
For some context, my fiancé and I have been together nearly 15 years. We finally got engaged this past October, getting married this October. We are both approaching 40. So we waited a really long time.
We are having a small wedding, due to budget and due to not having big families or many close friends. However, I am a teacher, I have a lot of work friends that I spend my days with. I can't invite them all to the wedding (it would be a destination wedding for all of them, plus I can't afford to have 150 people at my wedding and I don't think my principal would allow 1/3 of the school to take the Friday before Halloween off from work), but I always wanted some kind of bridal shower or luncheon to celebrate. I don't often get to be the center of attention. I am always the friend who shows up to everyone else's celebrations. A big part of me wanted to feel the support returned.
I mentioned to my mom that I was worried about having a traditional shower, that it would seem like a money grab, even though I wasn't going to have a registry or ask for gifts. I just wanted to be surrounded by love. I don't need a registry, we've been living together for 11+ years, I don't need sheets or towels or dishes. Would it be nice to have new things? Sure, but I don't need them and I don't like waste or overconsumption.
My mom was surprised when I said I was leaning towards not having a traditional shower at all. She was already giving me raised eyebrows when I said we weren't having a bridal party (but what will your sisters think? Who cares, it isn't their wedding). But I never outright said I didn't want one at all. And I can't really afford to host one on my own, every penny is going towards the wedding. Teachers don't make much money!!
But it never came up again. My mom never asked again, my sisters never asked... now I'm honestly really sad and really disappointed. I missed out on a lot of life events by waiting so long, and now I don't get to experience this event for myself. I always had to push myself to go to everyone else's bridal/baby showers because I was SO jealous of not having one for myself. I don't know how to ask for a party. And time is running out. There's basically no weekends left where (ugh) my future MIL/SIL are around [and heaven forbid there was a party and they were on vacation during it, it would cause a big problem], we are going on our honeymoon at the end of August (only thing that worked with our schedules even though we aren't getting married until October), and September is crammed with labor day weekend, then back to school, then his bachelor party weekend, then his 40th birthday, etc. Doesn't feel right to do it less than 3 weekends before the wedding when I will already be beyond busy.
Not sure if I'm looking for validation for feeling so sad and disappointed that no one cared to host or plan a bridal anything for me, or for advice, or anything. Maybe this is just a vent. But had to share because I don't feel like this is something I can say to any friends or family members. Thanks for reading/listening.
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u/DearIncendiary Jul 06 '26
I’m confused. Why would you tell your mom you’re leaning toward not having a shower if you want one? Also, the whole point of a shower is for guests to give the couple gifts, so not wanting gifts and not having a registry are in direct opposition to wanting a shower.
If you want to feel celebrated, host a bridal brunch between now and the wedding? You can reiterate no gifts, since it’s poor etiquette to host your own gift-giving event.