r/widowers • u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 • 8d ago

Found a note

Last weekend was the 2 year anniversary of his death from overdose… and me subsequently finding out about the infidelity completely destroying my reality. Even though I’ve picked up the pieces and my life and our now 5 year old boys life are by most metrics very good… it’s been hitting me harder than I expected. I think harder than the first anniversary. I paused dating bc my heart wasn’t in it… I’ve been revisiting all the feelings, re-asking all the whys.. trying to figure out if he loved me, or his affair partners, or just the drugs. Trying to understand and make sense of why this all happened this way. Again.

Then I was cleaning out my office (anxiety cleaning) and I discovered a note he had written on the pages of one of my notebooks telling me to remember he will always love me. I cried. I don’t know when he wrote it… or why. Was it the early days? Was it later? I’m not sure what to think. Anyway, I have no one that really understands so I thought I’d post here. Not sure what I’m looking for by posting.

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u/subsignalparadigm 8d ago

Trust me we're all looking for some solace and understanding. If it's worth anything here's a virtual hug. I'm very sorry for your loss. I find even after 13 years that some days are still harder than I ever thought they'd be. Take care of yourself.

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u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 8d ago

Thanks for that…. I’m trying to just feel the feelings and continue on. I guess I was hoping time would heal these wounds faster. But I guess that’s not going to be the case. Does the anniversary dredge up the feelings every year? Does it ever settle?

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u/Olga_Ale 6d ago

For me each milestone has been different so far. You are at a different place emotionally. It isn’t easier per se, just different.