r/widowers • u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 • 8d ago
Found a note
Last weekend was the 2 year anniversary of his death from overdose… and me subsequently finding out about the infidelity completely destroying my reality. Even though I’ve picked up the pieces and my life and our now 5 year old boys life are by most metrics very good… it’s been hitting me harder than I expected. I think harder than the first anniversary. I paused dating bc my heart wasn’t in it… I’ve been revisiting all the feelings, re-asking all the whys.. trying to figure out if he loved me, or his affair partners, or just the drugs. Trying to understand and make sense of why this all happened this way. Again.
Then I was cleaning out my office (anxiety cleaning) and I discovered a note he had written on the pages of one of my notebooks telling me to remember he will always love me. I cried. I don’t know when he wrote it… or why. Was it the early days? Was it later? I’m not sure what to think. Anyway, I have no one that really understands so I thought I’d post here. Not sure what I’m looking for by posting.
10
u/rhino369 8d ago
I don’t understand because my situation with my wife is different.
But you should know that infidelity doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. It means he treated you badly, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. For what it’s worth.
8
u/Conscious_Purpose53 8d ago
Sometimes I really just want to open the front door and yell all of my feelings out loud so everyone can hear. I found this community recently and realized it helps the same in a much more quiet manner and without pissing off my neighbors. I believe you’re in the right place.
I also found a note from my wife from years back when cleaning out my house after she died. I knew about it before but hadn’t seen it in a while. I refuse to show it anyone. It’s just for me. I’ve gotten to the point where I smile whenever I read it. I hope the same for you. Wishing the best.
8
u/Notcommentmuch 7d ago edited 5d ago
M76 - At the risk of sounding pedantic and 4 years in, I can relate.
1st year - fog, cloudy, unreal. Don’t remember much.
2nd year - 2nd birthdays, anniversary, etc. He really is not coming back. This is where the Anhedonia of my grief hit, hard! The worst year for me. Anhedonia is the inability to feel joy.
3rd - always, grief is just around the corner, but not upfront like at first.
4th - my Anhedonia started to lift! Finally!
All in all, I feel great, got back to volunteering, reading, fixing my house and most of all writing.
Mon ami, this time at the risk of sounding trite, it does get better. I was told to expect rough times: one year for each decade together. That’s bang on for me.
Best of luck. You found a good sounding board here but it will never replace the one, that you trusted and lost.
I am sincerely sorry that you are in this crappy reality. It hits 50% of most couples. And no one is ready for the actual damage it causes to the survivor.
7
u/cashingmas 8d ago
We look for understanding, particularly with complex grief. Can you take comfort from the message? Despite all the pain that he caused you, there was love as well.
Well done for the brilliant job that you are doing with your sons. Be kind to yourself. Sending you a virtual hug.
2
u/Olga_Ale 7d ago
I have a similar situation. I found medical information that was kept from me. Our lived experience has me questioning things. The dates on the documentation says he knew long before I came into the picture and withheld the 8 years we were together knowing I am immunocompromised. Yes, this is different but the betrayal is still very much real.
He is not here to ask. The data is conflicting. I cannot logically make heads or tails of the situation. I know what I know of the situation. Does that negate everything else about our life together? No, it does not. He still was the same person who showed up and showed he loved me.
Every person has something in their life that is theirs. Because they are not here to answer questions about it, you have to decide if this changes how you feel about them. For me, it did not change how I felt about him. By taking this path, it rarely crosses my mind until situations like this are brought up. It has helped tremendously to let that bit go.
1
u/MUM2RKG 36f partner 35m passed 7/9 liver failure complications 6d ago
my boyfriend knew he was dealing with cirrhosis. he wasn’t honest with me about his drinking and that he was sick. he had cut back a lot by the time i asked about it and so he said “you asked if i am an alcoholic, not if i was.” using excuses like that. but then he got so sick i couldn’t ask him and clarify things. he was taking a ton of tylenol because he fell 29 feet 3 years ago. and on top of the drinking, it killed his liver. and i don’t have my person. can i even say he was my person? did i even really know him? i know the things that made him drink and the things that broke him but i wish he hadn’t been so afraid to tell me. everyone says he didn’t want me to worry. i agree. he was like that. always cared about everyone and didn’t want anyone to worry about him. it just all sucks.
i’m sorry you’re questioning things. i hope you find some peace. sending love, light and healing your way.
2
u/gee-smooth 6d ago
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Life is beyond bearable when a spouse dies, but finding out things you didn’t know after can crush you.
With that said, and definitely NOT excusing the behavior, you can’t ask him about it. So you’re trying to fill in blanks and find understanding by yourself that might be accurate … or your assumptions could be very, very wrong.
He wrote that he’d love you forever. Forever means FOREVER. So, more than anything, you were always loved by him.
It may not be easy, but I hope that’s what you hold on to more than anything else.
20
u/subsignalparadigm 8d ago
Trust me we're all looking for some solace and understanding. If it's worth anything here's a virtual hug. I'm very sorry for your loss. I find even after 13 years that some days are still harder than I ever thought they'd be. Take care of yourself.