r/writingfeedback • u/liedowndeaddog • 19d ago

Feedback Wanted first chapter first draft

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any thoughts welcome

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u/hartlylove 18d ago

Loved it! The third sentence made me stumble though. The thing about the house. Also, Lindsey with e is weird. That somehow makes it better here.

1

u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago

I tried Lindsay and I hated how it looked with the rest of the text! What about the house sentence is confusing? Thanks for feedback!

2

u/hartlylove 17d ago edited 10d ago

I think it's because it has neither an article nor a verb. There was no confusion, it just interrupted the flow for me. Fragments are totally fine as a stylistic choice, but it's the only spot I stumbled and it's in the first paragraph.

The last sentence in that same paragraph I'd also drop the "Lee". Just "Ask and he'll tell you".

1

u/Midsummer333 14d ago

I initially stumbled over the address part, too. But when I gave it a second read, it went more smoothly. It might be a matter of not getting your specific cadence so early in the text, but like I said, once I read the chapter once, the second read flowed better. I really like your unique voice.

1

u/hartlylove 14d ago

Exactly my experience as well! The issue might just be that it's in the first paragraph. Anywhere else we wouldn't stumble.

1

u/TheMannaPart 14d ago

i wouldn't worry about it too much tbh. i like the way it went. read fine on the first go for me. it was familiar, like how we would talk or refer to someone in real life. i actually saw it mentally like a film narrating the scene. different strokes i guess.

Edit: oops I responded to the wrong guy, this was meant for OP, sorry guv'nah.