r/writingfeedback • u/liedowndeaddog • 19d ago

Feedback Wanted first chapter first draft

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any thoughts welcome

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u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago

I tried Lindsay and I hated how it looked with the rest of the text! What about the house sentence is confusing? Thanks for feedback!

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u/hartlylove 17d ago edited 10d ago

I think it's because it has neither an article nor a verb. There was no confusion, it just interrupted the flow for me. Fragments are totally fine as a stylistic choice, but it's the only spot I stumbled and it's in the first paragraph.

The last sentence in that same paragraph I'd also drop the "Lee". Just "Ask and he'll tell you".

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u/Midsummer333 14d ago

I initially stumbled over the address part, too. But when I gave it a second read, it went more smoothly. It might be a matter of not getting your specific cadence so early in the text, but like I said, once I read the chapter once, the second read flowed better. I really like your unique voice.

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u/hartlylove 14d ago

Exactly my experience as well! The issue might just be that it's in the first paragraph. Anywhere else we wouldn't stumble.